Jokes Galleria!!! [Archive] - Page 2 - Outpost Users Support Forum

hayc59

05-20-2003, 02:33 PM

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

dp6304

05-20-2003, 03:06 PM

hayc59 Excellent!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Dmut

05-20-2003, 10:28 PM

that's was good, hayc59, international humor :)

hayc59

05-22-2003, 03:10 PM

:D :D :D :D

There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.

It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."

MegaHertz

05-23-2003, 10:21 AM

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket." She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

hayc59

05-23-2003, 10:26 AM

:D :D ;) :D

chrisclu

05-26-2003, 09:44 AM

Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station.
They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response.

The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty
attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We
come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader,
or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him
mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 1200 feet into the desert,
where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the
one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature.
It **** near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my
travels through the galaxy ... any guy who can wrap his ***** around himself
twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with."

hayc59

05-26-2003, 10:10 AM

chrisclu------
:D :D :D :D :D :D

hayc59

05-30-2003, 06:11 AM

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

hayc59

05-30-2003, 06:13 AM

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.

The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. "Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."

hayc59

05-30-2003, 09:44 AM

http://www.phj.at/funnycats.wmv

:D ;)

Luvop

05-30-2003, 02:36 PM

For my fellow Canadians. American friends may insert a president of their choice.

A Liberal Senator died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the Senator, "who's clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe only told two lies in his entire life."

The Senator asked, "Where's Prime Minister Chretien's clock?"

"It's in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

hayc59

05-30-2003, 02:50 PM

very good Luvop.....very good:D

hayc59

06-01-2003, 03:29 PM

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the
train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was
directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being
used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and
said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you
see my Little Fife is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing
the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The
French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only
are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the
little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the
empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone
defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know,
sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong
thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your
autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the
wrong ***** out the window.

chrisclu

06-05-2003, 05:38 AM

Subject: A Mother's Dilemma

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case.

Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time -now let your mother explain that to you."

hayc59

06-07-2003, 05:18 PM

Three Doctors

Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter
walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"

"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into
the world."

"Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes. The
same question is asked of the second doctor.

"I am a general practioner and go to Third World countries three times a
year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the
gates. The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts
out, "I am a director of a HMO."

St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter
Heaven...but only for 2 days."

chrisclu

06-10-2003, 11:09 AM

Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, 3 kids who were
fishing pulled her out of the water.

She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland. "
Hillary says, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special
senator's airplane"

The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
Hillary says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign
them!!"

The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in
TV and stereo headset!" ! Hillary is a little perplexed by this and
says, "But you don't look like you're handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your *** from drowning!!!

hayc59

06-10-2003, 12:39 PM

nice one Chris!!

dp6304

06-11-2003, 03:45 PM

Good evening,

My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine
from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a
Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."

"Really? What did he get?"

"Fifteen years."
:p

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

I poured spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.

Used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

Wear sleeveless shirts! Support your right to bare arms!

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
:rolleyes:

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the heck out of the dog.

Why do a pilgrim's pants always fall down?
Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Darn!"
A bad skydiver goes, "Darn!" WHACK!

What do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack.

What do you call skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

What goes clop, clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop clop, clop?
An Amish drive-by shooting.

:)

hayc59

06-13-2003, 05:50 AM

:D :stunned: :D ;) he,he

hayc59

06-15-2003, 08:38 AM

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Paranoid2000

06-16-2003, 08:02 PM

Fathers are getting a raw deal here ... :D Just to redress the balance:

Three boys were bragging about their fathers.

The first one said, 'My father runs so fast he can fire an arrow, start running, and get there before the arrow!'

The second one said, 'That's nothing! My father can shoot a gun, start running, and get there before the bullet!'

The third boy just smiled. 'That's nothing. My father is a civil servant. He gets off work at 5 and is home before 4!'

Paranoid2000

06-16-2003, 08:06 PM

Since we're getting onto a civil servant theme...

Have you heard about the new cruise missile called Civil Servant? It doesn't work and you can't fire it!

kronckew

06-16-2003, 10:06 PM

why not shift over to something most americans and brits will agree on (besides our mutual dislike of polititians, civil servants, and the legal 'profession')

French Jokes!

Here's a good place to start:

http://www.i-hate-france.com/

kazzi

06-18-2003, 11:03 AM

Hey :D

Click on the website and then watch and listen. You have to wait a while for the guy to start talking.

http://www.borgerisd.net/soapbox/soapbox.htm

hayc59

06-26-2003, 01:00 PM

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO''S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS'' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY''S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

chrisclu

06-26-2003, 01:45 PM

Probably to prevent lawsuits :D
I have one of those screens you put in your car windshield to block the sun when parked and it actually has a warning message to remove before operating vehicle. Like that was a big problem before the warning:D

The really scarry one though is the instructions in Braile at my banks drive up window.:confused:
chris

kronckew

06-26-2003, 10:12 PM

For those forum members who do not live in the UK, you may notice that those who do make frequent reference to the 'PUB' and you may not know what this is. As it is central to the history of the world as we know it, and western democracy in general, here is a brief history and explanation.

In the Middle Ages all British men were required to exercise their right arms in order to be able to properly draw the English longbow. This was written into law, and most men practiced daily or at least on weekends, as it was one of the few ways to get out of actually having to work.

They would get together with their local lord, shoot the bull (the target's bull's eye), and improve their manly skills. The lord of the land would supply refreshments as this was thirsty work. This was their public duty, so the landlord would set up a house on his property near the targets to serve the refreshments; this was referred to as the Public House, run by the Land Lord.

The acme of this arrangement was the complete thrashing of 20,000 French aristocrats in their knightly best armour by 1500 of England’s bowman at the battle of Agincourt. French Pincushions. One reason we speak English instead of French in the UK and the USA.

The introduction of the firearm shortly after put paid to the need for archers, but the law was never revoked.

Thus, we still have to go to the 'Pub' (short for Public House), which is still run by a landlord (usually not of the nobility) though he charges for the refreshments nowadays, still shoot the bull, still take target practice (Darts though, archery is kind of hard indoors), and still exercise their right arms by lifting heavy weights (Pints of Beer), and most of all still use it to get out of work.

As this is a legal and moral requirement, all English wives are content to see their men folk spend hours and hours at the pub upholding their duty and in their small way, defending the English way of life and western democracy.

As this is a serious historical document, I’m only including it here in the jokes section as I know most of you will read it here.

hayc59

06-27-2003, 05:01 AM

Very Funny!!!:D :D :D

chrisclu

06-27-2003, 03:33 PM

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my
family for six generations. "

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"****" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater."

hayc59

06-27-2003, 03:44 PM

thanks for the laugh Chris..needed that:D :D

hayc59

06-28-2003, 03:30 PM

Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world.

With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry.

"Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

:D :D :D

chrisclu

07-01-2003, 01:42 PM

Drinking as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Claven was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole
group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. "In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers

Dmut

07-01-2003, 02:37 PM

Thanks for PMing me to this post, Chris, this "natural selection" theory explains everything. :D

hayc59

07-03-2003, 02:07 PM

kazzi

07-09-2003, 10:50 AM

1. go to www.google.com

2. type in the box weapons of mass destruction

3. below this box, click the button "I'm Feeling Lucky"

read carefully...

GoonMan

07-11-2003, 08:02 PM

> > > A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

> > > As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened
> > > his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said "Sir,
> > > I
> > > need to see yourticket, not your stub."
> > >
> > > Snappy Answer #2
> > >
> > > A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
> > > couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
> > > these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am,
> > > they're
> > > dead."
> > >
> > > Snappy Answer #3
> > >
> > > The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
> > > rolled
> > > down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The
> > > kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop
> > > finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
> > >
> > > Snappy Answer #4
> > >
> > > A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
> > > reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead
> > > of
> > > him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
> > > Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks
> > > around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
> > > stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge
> > > and
> > > ran out of gas."
> > >
> > > THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
> > >
> > > A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
> > > "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
> > > tomorrow.
> > > I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or
> > > illness,
> > > or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses
> > > whatsoever!" A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised his hand
> > > and
> > > asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
> > > complete
> > > and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle
> > > their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher
> > > smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly
> > > says,
> > > "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
> >

hayc59

07-12-2003, 04:42 AM

Originally posted by kazzi
1. go to www.google.com
2. type in the box weapons of mass destruction

3. below this box, click the button "I'm Feeling Lucky"
read carefully...

that is kinda freaky eh:stunned:

Dmut

07-13-2003, 03:57 PM

The most sorrowful 404 I ever saw. :D:D:D

try it here: http://62.32.52.170/
Allow scripting in Active Content plug-in and read carefully.

MegaHertz

07-15-2003, 10:03 AM

Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead."

After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

He wrote:

Dear Jesus,

I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.

Your Friend,
Leroy

Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of bratty boy he was, so he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

He wrote:

Dear Jesus,

I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.

Yours Truly
Leroy

Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest, so he tore it up and tried again.

He wrote:

Dear Jesus,

I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?

Leroy

Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running outside.

He aimlessly wandered about, depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.

Leroy went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door.

He went home, hid it under his bed and wrote this letter:

Jesus,

I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike!

Sincerely,
You Know Who

MegaHertz

07-15-2003, 10:08 AM

Too Much Coffee

You know you've had too much coffee when...
You can type sixty words a minute with your feet

Instant coffee takes too long

You chew on other people's fingernails

You answer the door, before people knock

You sleep with your eyes open

You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore

You're the employee of the month at Starbucks and you don't even work there

You help your dog chase its tail

You lick your coffeepot clean

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee

You're so wired you pick up FM radio

You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug!

chrisclu

07-15-2003, 12:50 PM

Good ones:D:D
I am actually in the process of inventing a coffee IV. Coffee pot is on a timer to wake me up. IV needle is in from the time I went to bed. Only problem is that the hot coffee melts the IV tube before it gets into my arm:D
Chris

GoonMan

07-15-2003, 03:01 PM

Chris I think I can find some Tygon tubing that will work for the IV.:D :p

If you ever get the IV Coffee Pot and Timer to work with out the Bugs let me know and I will beta test it for you. ROFLMAO :D ;)

guitarhero

07-17-2003, 04:34 PM

Hi guys,

I've just spent over 4 after midnight hours reading all these jokes and following the all links - thanks for the laughs.

Two rabbits escaped from the research lab and ran until they came to a lush green field of clover.

They fed and fed until they could eat no more.

Then they happened upon a whole load of stunning does.

They ****** and ****** until they could **** no more.

Then they lay on the grass in the warm sun and life was great.

One rabbit turned to the other and said, "Come on, let's get back to the lab".

His companion replied, "But what about the clover, and the does, and the sun"?

The first rabbit said "Yeah, I know ... but I'm gasping for a cigarette".

***********************************

Q. Where do women have the curliest hair?
A. Africa

***********************************

... and last but not least, visit here ... (http://www.1112.net/lastpage.html )

hayc59

07-20-2003, 12:01 PM

G.hero those were great! especially the link..:D :D

GoonMan

07-20-2003, 03:35 PM

Yeppers that was a good one and I liked the link.:lol:

Time for us all to go out side and play.:D

kazzi

07-28-2003, 03:56 AM

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said 'Parking Fine.' That was nice.

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

Poland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. (In England, substitute Irish)

hayc59

07-28-2003, 06:25 AM

:D :D :D :lol:

kronckew

08-02-2003, 07:06 PM

>If a robber tried to rob a dance club and yelled, "Everybody get down", would all the people start dancing?
>Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?
>Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn't be more fun to eat a big one?
>If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?
>Why do people call it an ATM machine, don't they know they're really saying Automated Teller Machine Machine?
>If a man has no fingers, can he press charges?
>If the weather man says "it's a 50% chance of rain" does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not?
>Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
>How come, in the Mini Wheat’s commercials, Sweets has a Brooklyn accent and Wheat’s has an English accent? They're attached at the back, wouldn't they have been raised in the same place?
>Don’t you find it weird we teach our kids: scrub a dub dub, three men in a tub?
>If your named Will and you are in the army do you get worried when people say fire at will?
>When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not!
>What do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not?
>Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
>Why do they call it "head over heels in love" If our head is always over our heels?
>Is extraordinary just more ordinary than usual?
>Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?
>Why do they put "for indoor or outdoor use only" on Christmas lights?
>If Dracula has no reflection, why did he always had such a straight parting in his hair?
>If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
>Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
>Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?
>Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
>Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?
>If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
>How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
>If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
>If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
>If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?

(from 'greytalk' forum)

kazzi

08-03-2003, 08:56 PM

You can't beat the old ones!!!!!!!!

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" No! but; "It's not unusual."

hayc59

08-06-2003, 03:45 AM

kazzi that was a good one~~:D

hayc59

08-15-2003, 02:43 PM

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. ****, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive ************ shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

hayc59

08-15-2003, 02:44 PM

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a giraffe in heat.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends repeatedly that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite *** without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees, and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: The crumsumpten of alcahol may maak yu tink you kan tipe real gude.

GoonMan

08-15-2003, 06:20 PM

ROFLMAO good one hayc59.

Arnold Palmer's wife went on the Tonite Show with Johnny Carson.

Johnny asked her how does your Husband have such great luck playing Golf and she said I kiss his balls.

Johnny's reply was: I bet that gives him a Stiff Putter.:lol:

She sued him.

hayc59

08-15-2003, 07:24 PM

:D :D :D :stunned: :lol:

GoonMan

08-19-2003, 11:04 PM

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the

evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the

phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a

taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave

their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into

the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because

"she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the

husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot

pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house

will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be

out soon."He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.

"Stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. Had to poke

her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her

in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled

her fat *** downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car... :lol: :D

hayc59

08-20-2003, 04:04 AM

Goon Very Good!!:) :D

chrisclu

08-21-2003, 04:55 AM

Subject: Bubba

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know 'em."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sho do! Tom 'n me are old friends, 'n I can prove it."

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch."

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing
Cruise was just lucky.

"Nope, just name anybody else," Bubba says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Bubba says, "I know 'im, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour
and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his
doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sho nuff!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the
masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This'll never work. I cain't ketch the Pope's eye amongst all these folks. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working
his way to his boss's side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'

GoonMan

08-21-2003, 09:19 AM

ROFLMAO Good one chrisclu :lol: :lol: :lol: :D

hayc59

08-24-2003, 05:42 AM

There was a senior citizen who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible
SLK.
He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the
wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is
great,"he thought and floored it some more.

Then he looked in his rearview mirror. There was a highway patrol
Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring." I can get
away from him with no problem" thought the man as he floored it some
more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought,"What am I
doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side
of the road and waited for the state trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir,"
he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is
Friday the 13th. If you can give me one good reason why you were
speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off
with a state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The state trooper replied, "Have a nice day."

kazzi

08-26-2003, 09:04 AM

Hey,
Overloaded M$ ME with too much ram and had to send it in for repairs (slow service) as ME wouldn't boot up. Now got me M$ XP and a flier.

Anyway - here goes:
Imagine how much farther ahead in life we could have gotten had we paid a little more attention in math class!!!
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: What makes up 100% in life?

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

but,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4 5 = 100%

and,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

and,
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and knowledge will get you close, and, Attitude will get you there. ******** and *** kissing will put you over the top. :D

Gee, these new colored tablets are wild !!!!

hayc59

08-27-2003, 01:31 PM

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2. Well, aren't we just a ray of f___g sunshine?

3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

4. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

5. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

6. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

7. Do I look like a f__ing people person?

8. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

11. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.

12. You! Off my planet!

13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

15. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

16. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

17. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.

18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

19. I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.

20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

21. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

23. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

24. See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil.

25. Allow me to introduce my selves.

26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

28. Better living through denial.

29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

31. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

32. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

33. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

34. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

35. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

36. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

37. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

38. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

39. Back off! You're standing in my aura.

40. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

41. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

42. One of us is thinking about ***... OK, it's me.

43. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

44. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

45. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

46. It's sick the way you people keep having *** without me.

47. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

48. You say I'm a ***** like it's a bad thing.

49. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

50. Okay, okay, I take it back! Un**** you!

51. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

52. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

53. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

54. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

55. Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."

56. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

57. Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic ***** just like you.

58. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

59. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

60. You look like s__t. Is that the style now?

61. This is a mean, f___ing cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now!

62. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

63. Earth is full. Go home.

64. Is it time for your medication or mine?

65. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

66. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

67. I plead contemporary insanity.

68. And which dwarf are you?

69. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

70. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

71. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

72. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

73. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

74. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

chrisclu

08-29-2003, 02:58 PM

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."

They parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful!" How is yer loving husband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.

hayc59

08-31-2003, 02:53 PM

:D :D :D

chrisclu

09-03-2003, 01:54 PM

:D:D:D
Thanks HayC, my response to your jpg allowed me to make #3000
How time flies when you're having fun.
Chris

Paranoid2000

09-03-2003, 02:12 PM

Tried of seeing those "standard" 404 Error pages? Well, here's something different! :lol:

http://www.coxar.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/ (http://www.coxar.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/)

hayc59

09-04-2003, 02:31 PM

404 error page (http://www.homestarrunner.com/systemisdown.html)

nice one paranod..try this one:D :D :D

chrisclu

09-04-2003, 02:59 PM

Very cute :lol:

Paranoid2000

09-04-2003, 05:38 PM

Oopsie whoopsie - noticed that Kazzi had also pointed to the WMD 404 page (although via Google), so here's something completely different (all taken from www.engrish.com (www.engrish.com))....

Sensible warning indeed! (http://www.engrish.com/image/engrish/olfa_knife.jpg)
A trash can with career advice (http://www.engrish.com/image/engrish/kisass.jpg)
ChrisClu's coffee mug? (http://www.engrish.com/image/engrish/blendy1.jpg)
A "feel good" T-shirt! (http://www.engrish.com/image/engrish/hate-hate-hate.jpg)
Should we have one of these here? (http://www.engrish.com/image/thumbnails/freak.jpg)

chrisclu

09-07-2003, 01:42 PM

63, AND PREGNANT?

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Dmut

09-11-2003, 03:53 PM

HARD-DISK Woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Woman:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS Woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but noone can live
without her.

EXCEL Woman:
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your
four basic needs.

SCREENSAVER Woman:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Woman:
Difficult to access.

SERVER Woman:
Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Woman:
She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL Woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS Woman:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs
herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will
lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything............

hayc59

09-11-2003, 04:35 PM

Dmut
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Paranoid2000

09-11-2003, 09:16 PM

Tsk, tsk - how sexist! For something more balanced, how about the following chemical analysis...

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEM
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET

WOMEN: A Chemical Analysis

ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: Woe
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lbs., but known to vary from 110 to 550 lbs.
OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning, and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

******

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET
MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET

MEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

ELEMENT: MAN
SYMBOL: Ego
DISCOVERER: Eve. Discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs.
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 170 lbs, known to vary from 98 to 360 lbs.
OCCURRENCE: Large quantities in all populated areas. Highly concentrated deposits at all sporting events and areas known as "singles bars". Extremely low quantities can be found in any location where cleaning up is required. (See Women and Slave Labor)

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface often covered with hair--bristly in some areas, soft in others.
2. Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense.
3. Melts if treated like a God.
4. Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
5. Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
6. Becomes stubborn and unyielding when pressure is applied; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Is repelled by concentrated quantities of precious and semi-precious metals and stones (See Jewelery Store). However, is attracted to small quantities of these when viewed worn against the skin of a woman. It is believed woman's skin combines with the aforementioned to create a highly magnetic attraction for this element.
2. May explode spontaneously if wallet is opened.
3. Requires copious quantities of substances known as attention, reassurance, and stroking.
4. When saturated with Alcohol will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.
5. Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
6. Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.
7. Is rendered non-functional when confronted with the items in #5 & #6.
8. Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
9. Is impervious to embarrassment.
10. Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to woman.

Dmut

09-15-2003, 03:33 AM

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht
oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist
and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you
can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey
lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

kazzi

09-21-2003, 04:18 AM

http://www.brianmung.com/blainegame.htm

hayc59

09-21-2003, 06:24 PM

Kazzi that is soooo fuunny:D :D

Dmut

09-22-2003, 07:27 PM

Does anyone remembering an good old PC game named "Incredible Machines"?
look at this Honda advertisment - very funny http://www.winisp.net/bogusboy/hondaad.htm

chrisclu

09-23-2003, 11:44 AM

Yep, I remember it well. It was one of my favorite ads.
Chris

daonlyfreez

09-23-2003, 08:21 PM

You will be doing a small test. There will be only one question, but that question is very, very important! Don't answer to quickly. Think very carefully about what you will answer...

This is an imaginary situation in which you'll have to make an important decision that will alter the face of the world...

Scroll/read slowly, and think about this very carefully!

---
You are in Florida...

... in Miami that is...

You are in a big chaos resulting from a flood after a tornado...

... incredible masses of water...

You are a reporter of CNN...

... and you are in the middle of this...

The situation is almost hopeless...

You are trying to make the most impressive photographs you can...

Around you houses are floating away, people are dissapearing...

The forces of nature are immense and remorseless...

All of a sudden, you see a man in a four-wheel-drive...

... He is struggling to keep his vehicle under control...

You approach him...

Somehow he looks important...

Now you recognise him, it's George W. Bush!

You see that any moment the flood will sweep him away forever...

There are two possibilities; either you save him, or make the picture of your lifetime...

Save the life of the most powerful man on the world, or win the Pulitzer Prize...

A picture that shows the last moments of such an important person...

Now the question, and be honest:

Would you use colour or black-and-white?

:D :D :D :D

Greetings,

daonlyfreez

Paranoid2000

09-24-2003, 01:58 PM

Originally posted by daonlyfreez
A picture that shows the last moments of such an important person...

Would you use colour or black-and-white?
Shouldn't the choice be between oil paints or watercolours? :D

kazzi

09-24-2003, 08:40 PM

v 2.0.102 is out and this is apparantly one of the 'languages' you can choose.

http://toolbar.google.com/intl/xx-elmer/install

hayc59

09-27-2003, 09:31 AM

See how Arnold will pump California back!!
http://www.miniclip.com/arnie.htm

Dmut

09-27-2003, 02:01 PM

LOL! :D

hayc59

09-29-2003, 02:58 PM

Take your time and follow the instructions.
After doing each panel click on the boy in the lower right corner.
In the last window type in your numbers in the white box You will be amazed....
http://digicc.com/fido/

chrisclu

09-30-2003, 12:42 PM

The Attorney

There was an attorney who got home late one evening
after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution
for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who
was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor
had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about,
"What time of night do you call this?
Where the hell have you been?" and so on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual,
he went and poured himself a very large whisky and
headed off to the bathroom for a long hot
soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang,
which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client
had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Realizing what a day he must have had,
she relented a little and went upstairs
to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was
greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view
as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said,
at which the attorney whirled round and
screamed hysterically,

"For crying out loud . . .don't you ever stop?"

kronckew

09-30-2003, 06:41 PM

Just goes to show that most lawyers couldn't understand the truth even when it's presented directly to their brains....

kazzi

10-01-2003, 02:21 AM

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.

This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being
referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price, District Representative
Land and Water Management Division

****************************************

Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries---

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are
not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU.

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

kronckew

10-01-2003, 05:06 AM

:lol: :lol: :lol:
David L. Price, District Representative
Land and Water Management Division

would bet a dime he's a lawyer, or one of their sub-species, a politician....

hayc59

10-08-2003, 05:42 PM

For All The Canucks In The Crowd!!

http://www3.telus.net/tawcan/beaver.wmv

kazzi

10-09-2003, 06:10 AM

Well, the joke is me.

One nice Autumn day when the car was sucking in air as it was driven into the supermarket I decided to fill her up at the gas pumps. 30mins later with a car full of groceries and frozen food she struggled to start before travelling 1/4mile down the road and stopping.

Grey matter started working things out. A car not two years old shouldn't be dying. Then ----------------------wam!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Unleaded should not go into a diesel car. Especially a full tank load.

Towed by the breakdown services to the only garage in the town kicensed to dispose of 'contaminated' fuel was bad enough but to be driven home by them in a bright yellow van and carrying the shopping from it into the house in front of the neighbors..............

To pick the car up there was no way I was going to walk 4 miles so I borrowed my son's battery powered scooter. As I made my way to the end of the street I could hear the sound of family laughing.

And the cost ................ I won't go into figures but it was the most expensive tank full I have ever bought!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What I would normally spend in one month, I spent in one day.

Now you know why 13 was given to me as my lucky number. Roll on the next Friday 13. I will be indoors with Jack Daniels.

chrisclu

10-09-2003, 09:36 AM

Saw this today from a client about really stupid people :D

1. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menuthat you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken
McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. MAKES YOU WONDER HOW THESE PEOPLE CAN SURVIVE!!!
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker.
Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. ------IDIOTS &COMPUTERS...
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid

kronckew

10-09-2003, 08:17 PM

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Saw this in the stella awards, the guy went on to sue the dealership & the motor home manufacturer for not warning him that the cruise control would not actually do the driving for him...., after all someone had to be blamed, and the driver was too smart to think it could be himself....

this one is on a par with the lawyer's wife who sued the swimming pool cleaning net manufacturer for not putting a warning label on the aluminum pole to warn her late husband not to use it to knock a fallen branch out of the 50000 volt overhead powerline...

hayc59

10-13-2003, 03:08 PM

Happy Halloween.....:D

kazzi

10-16-2003, 08:04 AM

http://www.robrob8.com/news/last_page.htm

chrisclu

10-22-2003, 03:29 PM

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too.

But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all!

Zeb went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.

Brewster was an overnight sensation.

The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pulletsurprise.

hayc59

10-22-2003, 03:46 PM

Chris, I love it!!:D :D

chrisclu

10-28-2003, 08:06 AM

A LITTLE RACY BUT FUNNY!!!

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, " I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, " I was born this way. I 'm a defective parrot. "Holy crap, " the guy replies. " You actually understood and answered me!" " I got every word," says the parrot." I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." " Oh yeah?' the guy asks, " Then answer this; "How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" " Well," the parrot says, " this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my ' willie' around this wooden bar like a little hook. "You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. " You really can understand and speak English, can't you?" 'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. "You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the $200 price tag. " sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssst", says the parrot " I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet" "You can probably get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. the parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psst,' and motions him over with one wing. " I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman.. "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. " When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately." " What???" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?' "Well then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,: reported the parrot. " My God!" he exclaims. " Then what?" "Then he got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting from her ******* and slowly going down...." "Well???" demands the guy. "Then what happened!?!"

"Dammed if I know, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch

hayc59

10-28-2003, 09:06 AM

"Dammed if I know, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

chrisclu

10-28-2003, 04:31 PM

Read it again. Imagine holding a perch with your finger.
Now straighten your finger. How do you hold on?
Not as funny when you have to explain it :D:D
Chris

Keith

10-29-2003, 03:15 PM

Originally posted by chrisclu
Read it again. Imagine holding a perch with your finger.
Now straighten your finger. How do you hold on?

Does your church know that one their choirboys tells jokes like this?!?!

Hey Chris, how ya holding up with the fires? I know they've been flirting around your neighborhood.
Hope all is OK!!!

chrisclu

10-30-2003, 02:40 PM

They didn't come near me, but as a volunteer member of D.A.R.T throught the Sheriff's Dept I was busy. Two all nighters.
dart is Disaster Assisstance Response Team.
Thanks for asking.
Chris

kazzi

11-04-2003, 06:06 AM

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?" :D :D

Dmut

11-07-2003, 07:00 AM

Hey, I can smell a weekend there! :D

(enable a GIF animation in your browser)

kazzi

11-08-2003, 07:14 AM

Sky One is a digital satellite program in Europe (Sky is the sister of Fox).

Big Brother was the start of all this, have we now reached the bottom of the pile?

Nov 01, 2003
Sky One has shelved a reality TV show which set up six male contestants with a gorgeous woman, only to later reveal that "she" was a transsexual. Sky said the show, Find Me A Man, would not be included in its current schedule, even though it had been provisionally scheduled to be aired later this month. The six men claim they were duped into kissing, cuddling and holding hands with the transsexual. They are now reported to be alleging breach of contract, deceit, personal injury and sexual assault. Sky said: "We have received a letter of complaint. We have made an initial response to the letter received yesterday and confirmed that the show is not in Sky One's schedule at present."

hayc59

11-10-2003, 03:23 PM

Dmut,that is so cool!!
:lol:

chrisclu

11-12-2003, 12:41 PM

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living out on a farm in the mountains of West Virginia.

Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.

Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate"

So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and tells him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."

The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole..."

Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.

He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!

Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air.

BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite ... spreading poop all over the farm.

WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.....

Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!"

As she pulls up her panties she says...

"Yeah, but I sure am glad I didn't fart in the kitchen.

kazzi

11-20-2003, 12:07 AM

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

GoonMan

11-30-2003, 01:44 PM

---Norman and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while istening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snow plow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow plow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park......" then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through? With the love and understanding in his voice like all of us men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says,

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?

hayc59

11-30-2003, 02:28 PM

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

kazzi

12-01-2003, 01:05 PM

Associated Press

SPRINGFIELD, Ill. - What's in a name? If you're the former Raymond Allen Gray Jr., only one word - Bubba.

The 39-year-old Springfield native legally changed his name last month to reflect his childhood nickname. His new first name? Bubba. His new middle name? Bubba. One guess what his new last name is.

"I kind of like to laugh and joke, and it's something silly to kind of poke fun with," Bubba Bubba Bubba said.

The name change won't be hard to get used to because he has long been known as "Bubba" or "Bubby" Gray, he said.

"My dad called me Buddy, and it got switched to Bubby. Some of the kids couldn't pronounce Buddy too well, so they said Bubby, and it just stuck," he said.

For years he considered changing his name to Bubba Gray. Then a co-worker in the Illinois Secretary of State's office started calling him Bubba Bubba Bubba in jest. Later another co-worker mistakenly thought that was his real name.

"That's kind of what started me thinking: Well, let's just have it all the way through - Bubba Bubba Bubba - first, middle and last," he said.

Bubba's new name became official on Nov. 20 and he's already got a new driver's license and work identification card. He sometimes has been asked what his parents, who are now deceased, would think about the change.

"I'm sure my dad probably would be shaking his head," Bubba said.
:D

kazzi

12-02-2003, 08:42 PM

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend was a dream!!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years old, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.
She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many pleasant views of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived and whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house - walking straight to my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.! Welcome to the family."

So, the moral of the story is: ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN YOUR CAR... :rolleyes:

kazzi

12-03-2003, 12:15 AM

Need sound for this one

http://www.chargeonline.com.br/hu.php

hayc59

12-07-2003, 04:14 PM

oh no!!!

kazzi

12-11-2003, 08:37 AM

Need volume to appreciate this one

http://www.e-tractions.com/web_dev/clients/e-tractions/snowglobe/intro.htm
:D

hayc59

12-11-2003, 09:19 AM

ouch,now thats a good one!!

kazzi

12-11-2003, 12:35 PM

If you find that moment in time when you are bored sensless, then this is the place you should go to ................

http://oliverbot.com/

:D :D :D

kazzi

12-14-2003, 11:39 PM

Deja Vu

hayc59

12-15-2003, 02:06 PM

Two buddies are out drinking one night when one says to the other, " You know, I don't know what else to do man. Every time I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take off my shoes in the garage and tiptoe up the stairs. I get undressed in the bathroom, I
ease into the bed without even MOVING it, and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says," You're doing it ALL wrong! I whip into the driveway, skid to a stop! Bust into the house and slam the door, storm up the stairs, throw my shoes in the closet, jump in the bed, slap my wife on the *** and say, " WHO'S HORNY..? !!!She's sound asleep EVERY time!!!!

kronckew

12-17-2003, 10:03 AM

Saddam's Other Children
Now that Uday and Qusay have been eliminated and Saddam has been captured, a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

Among the brothers:

Sooflay ............the restauranteur
Guday...............the half-Australian brother
Huray...............the sports fanatic

Sashay..............the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother

Sayhay..............the baseball player
Ojay................the stalker/murderer
Gulay...............the singer/entertainer
Ebay................the internet czar
Biliray.............the country music star
Ecksray.............the radiologist
Puray...............the blender factory owner
Regay...............the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay...............the one with bad hair

Among the sisters:

Lattay..............the coffee shop owner
Bufay...............the 300 pound sister
Dushay..............the clean sister
Phayray.............the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway............the grocery store owner
Ollay...............the half-mexican sister
Gudlay..............the prostitute

Finally, there is Oyvey, but the family doesn't like to talk about him.

hayc59

01-02-2004, 05:23 PM

Just Noticed This One...Very Funny

kazzi

01-06-2004, 07:35 AM

1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid.) The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)

4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse".)

5. Have someone open the door to the outside (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.)

6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where it will dry itself off. Both the toilet and the cat will now be sparkling clean! :D

hayc59

01-06-2004, 07:43 AM

:( huh sounds kinda mean??

kazzi

01-06-2004, 07:51 AM

OK, English humor!
You can delete if if you wish.
It's not one of the best that's been sent me.

hayc59

01-07-2004, 03:09 PM

kazzi this is not like some other forums where we
just delete things like that!!
it stays my friend:)

dp6304

01-16-2004, 04:09 PM

Good evening:

Helicopter Problem

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position in Seatle.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

;)

hayc59

01-24-2004, 10:48 AM

http://www.rockstargames.com/upload/swf/winners/multimedia/drewcope.html
Kinda cool!!

chrisclu

02-05-2004, 12:10 PM

A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla in a tree.
He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner. "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs."

"Got it", the homeowner replied.
"But what's the shotgun for?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla", "Shoot The Chihuahua"

hayc59

02-05-2004, 02:32 PM

chrisclu,
:D :D :D
thanks for the laugh!

GoonMan

02-05-2004, 03:11 PM

Yeahhhhhhhhh Please shoot the Dog!!!:D Good one Chris.

Randy

dp6304

02-05-2004, 03:40 PM

Good evening:

Set It Free

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

;)

hayc59

02-05-2004, 03:44 PM

Originally posted by dp6304
Good evening:

Set It Free
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.
;)
LOL;)

GoonMan

02-05-2004, 04:25 PM

Originally posted by dp6304
Good evening:

Set It Free

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

;)

ROFLMAO :D

hayc59

02-14-2004, 05:56 AM

Two guys are in mental instituition.
One guy says, “Hey, I know how we can break out of here!”

The second guy says, “Oh yeah, how?”

The first guy says, “I've been thinking about really hard ever since I saw that big search light that goes around every night from the airport. Here is what we do. First, we steal a flashlight.”

The second guy says, “Hey, we don't have to do that, I've got one here that my kids sent me!”

The first guy says, “Great, then meet me out in the courtyard, near the wall tonight, after everyone goes to bed.”

So they meet out by the wall after dark. The guy with the light asks the first guy. “Just how will this plan work?”

The first guy says, “It's like this, you shine the light up on to the top of the wall. I'll climb up the beam of light to the top. You throw up the light and I'll shine the beam down for you to climb up. Okay?”

The second guy ponders the plan a second and then says, “Hey, just a minute. I know what you would do. I'd get you up on top of the wall and throw you up the light. Then, as I was half way up you'd turn off the light! Do you think I'm crazy or something?”

GoonMan

02-14-2004, 06:27 AM

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

hayc59

02-15-2004, 12:42 PM

anyone seen this guy??!!

chrisclu

02-15-2004, 06:06 PM

He's our newest beta tester. His wife is posting signs also.

chrisclu

02-17-2004, 03:32 PM

A Native Indian went hunting one day in Alberta and bagged three ducks.
He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a racist game warden who didn't like Native Indians.

The game warden ordered to the Indian to show his hunting license, and the Indian pulled out a valid Alberta hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said "This duck ain't from Alberta This is a Saskatchewan duck. You got a Saskatchewan huntin' license, boy?" The Indian reached into his wallet and produced a Saskatchewan hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Saskatchewan duck.
Thisduck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?" The Indian reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's from British Columbia. You got a British Columbia huntin' license?"
Again the Indian reached into his wallet and brought out a British Columbia hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Indian "Just where the hell are you from?"
The Indian turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said "You tell me, you're the expert ".

dp6304

02-20-2004, 05:21 PM

Good evening:

Jesus vs. Satan

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

Very well, then, says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact?

How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everybody knows...Jesus saves."

;)

hayc59

02-20-2004, 05:23 PM

:lol: :lol: :lol:

dp6304

02-21-2004, 02:37 PM

Good evening:

The computer user's reboot poem:

Don't you wish when life is bad
and things just don't compute,
That all we really had to do
was stop and hit reboot?

Things would all turn out ok,
life could be so sweet
If we had those special keys
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

Your boss is mad, your bills not paid,
your wife, well she's just mute
Just stop and hit those wonderful keys
that make it all reboot

You'd like to have another job
but you fear living in the street?
You solve it all and start a new,
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

:rolleyes:

MegaHertz

02-21-2004, 05:14 PM

Whenever your children are/were out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes, way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God

"Why"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why he hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw his children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"

chrisclu

02-22-2004, 10:31 AM

The old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe, and eyeing the two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, and all night having ***." Then the chief leaned back and smiled... "White man dumb enough to think he could improve on system like that."

chrisclu

02-22-2004, 10:33 AM

Feel Safer At Airports???

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator, Alan Pinkerton, for protection. That was the beginning of the Secret Service.

Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, ATF, NSA, etc.

Now comes the Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service. Can't you see them now? These highly trained men and women in their black outfits with initials in large white letters across their backs?

F. A. T. A. S. S. - - - - - - - I feel safer already

hayc59

02-22-2004, 01:30 PM

Chris, thanks for the giggle
:D :D :D :D :D

chrisclu

02-24-2004, 01:35 PM

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, Boss I not come work today.
I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The Boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me ***.
That makes everything better and I go work. You try that. "

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again:
"Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."

BetaBoy;=)

02-27-2004, 01:26 PM

this section for jokes is real nice.come home from a long
day and see so many posters with a cents-hehe- of humor its nice

BetaBoy;=)

02-27-2004, 02:06 PM

Gabriel came to the Lord and said " I have to talk to you. We have some

Texans up here in Heaven who are causing problems. They're swinging on

the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their

robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing

baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to

keep the stairway to Heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig

feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing."

The Lord said, "I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my

children. If you really want to know about real problems, let's call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, " Hello? ****, hold on a minute."

The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"

The Lord replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm

back. Now what was the question?"

The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on, Lord."

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said ,

"I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. Them **** Texans done put out

the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."

BetaBoy;=)

02-27-2004, 02:07 PM

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one.

A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Texan Samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai.

The Japanese Samurai opened a matchbox and out popped a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai also opened a matchbox and out popped a fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword. The fly dropped dead on the ground in 4 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very > impressive!"

The emperor then had the Texan Samurai demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Texan Samurai also opened a matchbox and out popped a male fruit fly, the smallest fly of all. His flashing sword went whoooooooossshhh whooooossshhh whooooossshh whooooossshhh. A gust of wind filled the room, but the fly was still alive and buzzing around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, asked: "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?" The Texan Samurai smiled, "Well, circumcision is not intended to kill."

BetaBoy;=)

02-27-2004, 02:08 PM

wo good ol' boys bought a couple of horses that
they used to make some money during the summer.

But when winter came, they found it cost too
much to board them. So they turned the horses
loose in a pasture where there was plenty to
eat. 'How will we tell yours from mine when we
pick them up?' one of them asked the other.
'Easy,' replied the other. 'We'll cut the
mane off mine and the tail off yours.'

By spring, the mane and tail had grown back
to normal length.
'Now what are we going to do?' asked the
first.
'Why don't you just take the black one?' said
the second. 'And I'll take the white one.'

GoonMan

02-27-2004, 02:42 PM

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

hayc59

02-27-2004, 03:09 PM

:D :lol: :D :lol:

hayc59

02-28-2004, 10:38 AM

Theorem : All numbers are equal to zero.
Proof: Suppose that a=b. Then
a = b
a^2 = ab
a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2
(a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)
a + b = b
a = 0
Makes You Go............ :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

kazzi

02-28-2004, 09:46 PM

Hey BetaBoy;=)

Austin humor - just love it. Must visit my family there soon.

Anyway, here's my imput - letter from the Gulf.

Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the
Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up
quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first
because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to
sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your
cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood
to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so
bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice,
cereal, eggs, bacon, and stuff, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes,
ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and
Elmer you can always sit by two city boys that live on coffee. Their food
plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder
these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "forced" marches, which the Drill Instructor says are long
walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different.
A "forced march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the
city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but
awful flat. The DI is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like
the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They
don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk
head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Hoggatt boys at
home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't
even load your own cartridges. They come in little metal boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real
easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best
they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He
joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8"
and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Gail

chrisclu

02-29-2004, 09:49 AM

Iwas cute until I got the "Your loving daughter" then I was ROTFLMAO :D:D:D
Chris

GoonMan

03-01-2004, 01:39 PM

An East Coast Ivey League atheist professor was teaching a university
class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by all the time taunting God, "Here I am, God. I'm
still waiting."

As the last minute approached he smugly smiled. A young US Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force on the chin sending him flying from his platform and crashing to the floor.

The professor struggled up, badly shaken and yelled, "WHAT's the
matter with you! Why did you do that?"

The Marine replied, "God was busy; He sent The Marines."

kazzi

03-05-2004, 12:38 AM

Would have liked to have seen this on Judge Judy!

Rental property lawsuit.

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."

He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it.

"Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but also left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages.

GoonMan

03-05-2004, 04:19 AM

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

hayc59

03-05-2004, 09:33 AM

http://www.bbdo.com/popup/tv/qt/fotografo.html

chrisclu

03-12-2004, 01:33 PM

An Irish woman "of a certain age," visited her physician to ask his help in
reviving her husband's *** drive.

"What about trying ******?", asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He won't
even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things
went."

It wasn't a week later but she rang up the doctor, who directly inquired as
to progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid.
Just terrible, Doctor."

"Really? What happened?", asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, I did! The effect
was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his
eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he
sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took
me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop!
It was a nightmare, I tell you!"

"Why so terrible?", asked the doctor. "Do you mean the *** was not good?"

"No, no, no, Doctor. The *** was fine. Indeed, 'twas the best *** I've had
in 25 years. But I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

GoonMan

03-12-2004, 02:23 PM

ROFLMAO.:D :D:lol: :lol: :ty: Chris for the laugh.

hayc59

03-12-2004, 02:47 PM

:ty: :lol: :ty: :lol:
very good Chris!!

kazzi

03-16-2004, 06:04 AM

http://www.oddcast.com/vhost/bush/host.php?id=1

hayc59

03-19-2004, 05:44 PM

:lol:Kazzi very good, thanks

hayc59

03-21-2004, 06:11 PM

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.

She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men

kazzi

03-25-2004, 11:17 AM

http://www.ianai.net/jokes/Calendar/

kazzi

03-26-2004, 03:22 AM

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

chrisclu

03-26-2004, 03:34 PM

:):):)

hayc59

03-29-2004, 02:59 PM

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3 year old
daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said ,
"Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!", pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned,
my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers
with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong,
honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?

Paranoid2000

03-30-2004, 07:39 AM

Microsoft Knowledge Base - the solution for all your family needs (http://support.microsoft.com/?kbid=145674)...

kazzi

03-30-2004, 10:14 AM

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the
teacher asked the children what their fathers did for
a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman,
policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the
teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes
off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes,
if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley
with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement,
hurriedly set the other children to work on some
exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is
that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "He works for the Kerry campaign,
but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the
other kids."

chrisclu

03-30-2004, 12:50 PM

:D:D
Quote of the day:
"Vinegar is especially good for removing those pesky stains on your hands from fingerprinting"
Martha Stewart...

hayc59

04-01-2004, 06:29 PM

http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mule/smurfgen.html
Groupie Smurf
and please post it:D :D

daonlyfreez

04-05-2004, 06:09 AM

Have a look at this site: http://www.pussybilder.de/ (in German, but funny for non-German speakers too)

It's not what it seems :D

hayc59

04-05-2004, 06:36 AM

daonlyfreez, well at first i was gonna ask for your
butt to be banned!!
then i saw it and now i really like it
they are very sexy!!! and revealing
thank you......very nice!!

kazzi

04-06-2004, 11:00 PM

For the guy who has everything
http://www.manties.net/

hayc59 - don't even go there !!!!!!!!!!!

MegaHertz

04-07-2004, 05:28 AM

Originally posted by kazzi
hayc59 - don't even go there !!!!!!!!!!! No worries I believe he is one of their best customers. :lol:

chrisclu

04-07-2004, 06:22 AM

Selling Toothbrushes

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They
were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then
give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I
made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to
appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit
that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said,
"I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines
would keep them abreast of current events."
"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Mikey's turn. The teacher
held her breath.
Little Mikey walked to the front of the classroom and
dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.
"$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were
you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said! Little Mikey.
"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you
possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much
money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little
Mikey, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody
who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing:
'Hey, this tastes like ****!' Then I would say, " It
is ****. Wanna buy a toothbrush ?"

chrisclu

04-07-2004, 06:23 AM

(little Mikey grew up, became very successful and runs a great firewall company :D:D)

Paranoid2000

04-07-2004, 09:35 AM

Originally posted by hayc59
Theorem : All numbers are equal to zero.
Proof: Suppose that a=b. Then
a = b
a^2 = ab
a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2
(a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)
a + b = b
a = 0
Makes You Go............ :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Brought back some happy memories that one ... :D For those still scratching their heads the flaw lies in the fourth line - if a = b then (a - b) = 0, so that line simply multiplies everything by zero...

chrisclu

04-16-2004, 01:31 PM

Why Women Lie
One day, while a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water, and she needed the thimble to make her living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with a wooden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy. Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out, The Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor woman and am not able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said yes to Mel Gibson." The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

hayc59

04-16-2004, 01:38 PM

kazzi/Meghertz
yes i do have 'stock' in the manities company!!
very good profit, not to mention they fit sooo nice(no chaffing!!)
Chris very good one!!

kazzi

04-22-2004, 12:58 AM

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her
husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home
unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts
the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her
lover in the closet, with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it."
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$25.00"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
and the lover are again in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball mitt."
The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$75.00"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball
back and forth." The boy says, "I can't, I sold
them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them
for?" Boy "$100.00" The father says, "That's
terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's
way more than those two things cost. I'm going to
take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy
sit in the confessional booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."

chrisclu

04-22-2004, 07:34 AM

:D:D:D
Good one Kazzi!!

kazzi

04-22-2004, 09:13 AM

http://www.whatisdeepfried.com/mego420.html

Peace and harmony, man ................

kazzi

04-22-2004, 09:07 PM

Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.
=================================
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
================================
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
=================================
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
=================================
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this. I've got the little Fokker in sight."
=================================
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
=================================
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
=================================
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
=================================
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
=================================
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
=================================
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on Frequency
124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
=================================
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
=================================
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled
onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop." Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."
================================================== =====
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever
to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?

kazzi

05-12-2004, 11:38 AM

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken. The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

kazzi

05-13-2004, 08:56 AM

http://www.condiriceisangry.com/ :eek:

kazzi

05-16-2004, 08:53 AM

http://www.code16.com/cat/

:lol: :lol: :lol:

hayc59

05-16-2004, 10:30 AM

http://www.condiriceisangry.com/images/Condoleezza-Rice.jpgVery Angry Indeed!! Nice Kazzi

hayc59

05-17-2004, 12:24 PM

Cowboy Logic

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and sits
in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he
finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The
bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat
after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left
home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we
drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for
myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it
there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the
same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he
comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall
silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for
a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just
fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist
Church in Abilene and I had to quit drinking, hasn't affected my
brothers though"

GoonMan

05-17-2004, 03:22 PM

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Good One Gordon. What a way to stop drinking. ;)

hayc59

05-23-2004, 04:41 PM

This Aint No Joke!!

We Will Never Forget September 11, 2001

The day was calm, the sky was blue,
http://www.s-t.com/daily/09-02/09-01-02/tab.gif The sun was high up in the sky,
http://www.s-t.com/daily/09-02/09-01-02/tab.gif Without a warning, without a clue,
http://www.s-t.com/daily/09-02/09-01-02/tab.gif America now would start to cry.
http://www.s-t.com/daily/09-02/09-01-02/tab.gif The shock and horror of that day,
http://www.s-t.com/daily/09-02/09-01-02/tab.gif Will never leave our minds,
http://www.s-t.com/daily/09-02/09-01-02/tab.gif We cling together as we pray,
http://www.s-t.com/daily/09-02/09-01-02/tab.gif To leave all this behind.
http://www.s-t.com/daily/09-02/09-01-02/tab.gif As Americans, we all know,
http://www.s-t.com/daily/09-02/09-01-02/tab.gif That we can never forget,
http://www.s-t.com/daily/09-02/09-01-02/tab.gif This terrible time of grief and woe,
http://www.s-t.com/daily/09-02/09-01-02/tab.gif But still we have respect.
http://www.s-t.com/daily/09-02/09-01-02/tab.gif Respect for our country, respect for our life,
http://www.s-t.com/daily/09-02/09-01-02/tab.gif Will be so important today,
http://www.s-t.com/daily/09-02/09-01-02/tab.gif We must remember through this strife,
http://www.s-t.com/daily/09-02/09-01-02/tab.gif To bow our heads and pray.
http://www.s-t.com/daily/09-02/09-01-02/tab.gif To pray for unity, to pray alone,
http://www.s-t.com/daily/09-02/09-01-02/tab.gif To light our candles along the way
http://www.s-t.com/daily/09-02/09-01-02/tab.gif To look up where the flames have flown,
http://www.s-t.com/daily/09-02/09-01-02/tab.gif GOD BLESS THE USA!

kazzi

06-08-2004, 01:36 AM

How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans,
and Southerners?

Answer.

Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and
two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a wild look
in his eyes; and a huge knife in his hand comes around the corner, locks
eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You
are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere
seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

------------------------------------------------------------------------
--

Democrat Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the
question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything
to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my
wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a
club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about
this situation? What would the ACLU say? Does the Glock have
appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway,
and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely
want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to
grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was
stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We
need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so
confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and
try to come to a consensus.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
Republican Answer:

BANG!

------------------------------------------------------------------------
--

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! click....(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
WinchesterSilver Tips or Black Talon Hollow Points??

kronckew

06-08-2004, 03:21 AM

y'all got that in one.

by the way, i'da used hollow points myself.

to continue the chain:
============================================
Ten Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1:
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2:
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3:
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.

Commandment 4:
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of
marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the
second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In
the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5:
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you
can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the
wife.

Commandment 6:
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the
trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7:
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night
thinking about something you say. After marriage, he
will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8:
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful,
understanding, economical, and a
good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9:
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That
is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10:
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that,
he is finished.
================================================== ======

y'all come back now, y'hear....

hayc59

06-08-2004, 04:37 AM

:lol: :lol: :lol:

hayc59

06-08-2004, 02:19 PM

Cold Chili
A man enters a cafe, sits down & notices that the special of the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, "I'll take the cold chili." "I'm sorry, the gentlemen next to you got the last bowl," says the waitress. "Oh. I'll just have coffee, then." After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and the chili bowl is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other man replies, "No." "Would you sell it to me?" "You can have it for free if you want it."

So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other man says sympathetically, "That's about as far as I got, too."

hayc59

06-08-2004, 02:21 PM

Big Texas
An English tourist went to Texas, He got off the bus in Fort Worth, and asked, "Where's a good place to eat?" A man said, "Right down the road is a men's club." The man didn't realize they had a swimming pool, a work-out room, indoor squash, and racquetball. He just walked to the restaurant door and said to the waitress, "Lady, bring me a steak and a coke." The waitress brought out a mug that was 12 inches in diameter and 1 1/2 feet tall. The man said, "I just wanted a coke, not the whole factory!" She said, "Mister, this is Texas and everything's bigger in Texas." Soon she came back with his steak, and it hung over all sides of a huge Sizzling platter. He said, "Lady, I just wanted a steak, not the whole cow!" She said, "Mister, this is Texas, and everything's bigger in Texas." He finally finished his meal and asked the waitress, "Which way to the toilet?" She said, "It's down the hall, third door on the right." The man absentmindedly turned into the third door on the left and, with one step, fell into the swimming pool. "Help! Help!" he screamed. "Don't flush it!"

GoonMan

06-08-2004, 03:43 PM

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

kronckew

06-09-2004, 04:23 AM

It doesn't matter which side of the political spectrum you sit, you will find something familiar in the answers that follow the proverbial joke, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I am now against it!

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay --- isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the 'other side'. That's what they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we Boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook, and internet explorer is an integral part of chicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE
To vote in Florida.

THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?

kronckew

06-16-2004, 05:45 AM

Now, where did i put the brake fluid?...
=======================================
(also posted it over at kill spyware)

Raising kids: For those with NO kids-this is totally hysterical! For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, THIS IS A WARNING! For those who have not had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...

Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with Roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200
adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all Four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh",; it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in La Mesa, CA has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade-true story: One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?' The teacher paused, then asked the class, "...And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy crap! A talking pig!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
25.) 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

==============================

oh, here it is, now all i need is some clorox, - HONEY, Where's....

chrisclu

06-16-2004, 08:52 AM

:D:D
Very Good
:D:D

note don't try making the smoke unless you are outside and upwind of it - it's deadly!!

kronckew

06-16-2004, 11:21 AM

:D:D
Very Good
:D:D

note don't try making the smoke unless you are outside and upwind of it - it's deadly!!
correct! i should have noted that:

well, kiddies, it appears that the 'clorox' should be the dry pellet type as used in pools (liquid clorox has too much water), the brake fluid should not be type 5, and the resulting smoke is toxic, so unless you want to prove to yourself if there is life after death, best try it outside & stand upwind. also container gets hot & may start a fire, so no plastic buckets now. if you try it & kill yourself, don't come running to me!

hayc59

06-16-2004, 04:12 PM

:ty: :ty:

kazzi

06-25-2004, 12:15 AM

The Internet is up for sale.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3823344416

kazzi

06-27-2004, 10:09 PM

http://www.phys.ncku.edu.tw/~htsu/humor/fry_egg.html (http://www.phys.ncku.edu.tw/~htsu/humor/fry_egg.html)

hayc59

07-08-2004, 02:47 PM

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.

Here it is below:

***********************************************
GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name:______________ Stage name: ________________
Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________

***: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that
apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[x] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)

In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) decelerate by 5 mph
b) drive twice as fast as usual
c) you're not sure what "rain" is

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more

When stopped by police, should you:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

kronckew

07-16-2004, 06:09 PM

Comprehending Engineers-Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want.” The second >engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George, say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Five

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The >graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven

"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a >princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog that's cool."

=======================================
p.s. - i'm an engineer meself...

kazzi

07-22-2004, 05:46 AM

Bush v Kerry - you decide

http://images.shockwave.com/afassets/flash/this_land.swf

hayc59

07-26-2004, 11:07 AM

Fish says, "Duuuuude!"

What does a fish use to get high?

Seaweed!

Keith

08-13-2004, 10:24 PM

[Picard] "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

[Geordi] "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

[Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.]

[Riker looks puzzled.] "What the heck is 'Microsoft'?"

[Data turns to answer.] "Allow me to explain. We will send this program,
for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

[Picard] "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

[Data] "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases
exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken
over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

[Picard] "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable
geometric shape' idea."

..... 15 Minutes Later ....

[Data] "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the
command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

[Geordi] "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

[Picard] "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is
something we have missed."

[Data] "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

[Riker] "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

[Geordi, excited] "Wait, Captain, I just detected their CPU capacity has
suddenly dropped to 0% !"

[Picard] "Data, what does your scanner show?"

[Data] "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

[Picard] "Let's wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their
functionality."

.... Two Hours Pass .....

[Riker] "Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?"

[Geordi] "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space
monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called
the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

[Picard] "How much time will that buy us?"

[Data] "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

[Geordi] "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

[Picard] "Identify."

[Data] "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

[Over the speakers] "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

[Data] "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

[Picard] "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

[Riker] "Good God, captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"

[Data] "I don't believe that those are humans, sir--if you will look
closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases and wearing Armani suits"

[Riker and Picard together horrified] "Lawyers !!"

[Geordi] "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

[Data] "True, but apparently some must have survived."

[Riker] "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

[Data] "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'--it often proves fatal."

[Riker] "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

[Picard] "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch--not even the Borg deserve that."

chrisclu

10-11-2004, 09:10 AM

Understanding Women A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.
The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. I can only grant one."
The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.
The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick."
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

hayc59

10-11-2004, 12:26 PM

Chris Very Good!!
Needed that:)

chrisretusn

10-11-2004, 09:00 PM

Should Children Witness Childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place. Smack him again."

chrisclu

10-12-2004, 08:14 AM

:D:D:D

GoonMan

10-12-2004, 10:18 PM

Roflmao good one. :D

chrisretusn

10-16-2004, 07:28 PM

The Facts:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember,

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - beer in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO!

chrisretusn

10-25-2004, 05:27 PM

Quantas Airline Gripe Sheet

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

chrisclu

11-02-2004, 06:49 AM

A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't
do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk
home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and
an anvil. He stopped by the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up
a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to
carry all of his purchases home.

The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the
bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in
your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks", the biker said, and out the door he went.

But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told
him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603
Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird
Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in
no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we
get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my
skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil,
two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you
up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the
anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

chrisclu

11-02-2004, 06:50 AM

If Wile E. Coyote could afford all that ACME equipment, why couldn't he just buy dinner?

gbrito

11-02-2004, 07:58 PM

gbrito

11-03-2004, 07:18 PM

Passenger:Why aircraft often fall from skies?
Captain:Aircraft does not fall! They simply shock themselves with the ground.
(Believe or not, that's the official definiton for crash!!!)

For paranoid passengers: The statistics of security and combat to the terrorism sample that the possibility to have a bomb on board is of 1 for 1000. Then, for your calmness, try to always embark with 2 bombs inside your hand luggage! And prefers to fly in companies as El Al Airlines, between Bhagdad - Jerusalem - London - New York. Following these practical advice, you never will be victim of terrorist. (but may spend a good season in the prison, far away of the flights...)
The incredible blind airliner Captain:
Performing a regular health check on a senior B747-800 Captain , a novice physician find that his patient is blind!
Doc: Captain: you are, my God, b..b..blind!!...
Capt: Since I born, son..
Doc: ...with more than 30,000 hours on the left side of a B747 cockpit...how can, my God...
Capt: Now you know, son...You should be a clever and smart professional!
Doc: ...but it's amazing...how can you...
Capt: Let me tell you about our business: We're always in a rush, surrounded by a lot of computers and other rigs and, in other hand, by a lot of people in the edge of a breakdown. Pilots usually use sunglasses and, as you shoud know, I'm married with a stewardess, a faithfull lady! As you also must know, one of our company's policy statements is: always schedule flight crews whose members are married, in order to decrease divorce rates. So I left my home or hotel, using sunglasses, lovely embraced my wife until boarding on my chair in aircraft's cockpit...
Doc:But anyone on airport or inside aicraft never suspected you're blind?!?
Capt:Son...our business often looks like a flight asylum!
Doc: Very well, captain...In the name of God, tell me how you can take-off, climb, hold altitude and cruise, and landing a hundred million dollar machine with 400 lifes on board?!?!
Capt: Easy! I always perform a landing using instruments. A lot of computers on board and at ground make it smooth and delivery the aircraft safely stoped on the destination airport runway.Than my 1st officer drives the aircraft to designated ramp and gate. As you should know, an aircraft captain only stay in control during take-off roll and final aproach touchdown. If your flight is from Los Angeles to New York, you just toggle LAX, JFK, climb rate value, altitude and computers do all for you thanks to autopilot and electronic flight director devices...
Doc: Now I get you Captain!!! You must know that autopilot only engages AFTER aircraft have taked off! Before it, all devices still in stand-by mode!
Capt: Well, son...this is my secret! I always give a chance to my 1st officer to get control since push-back until aircraft's alignment on runway. At this point, I take the control. Than I push the power levers to maximum and wait several seconds until my 1st officer say something like this: "V1...rotation...V2..................Captain, we're going to die!!!!". I pull the yoke, engage autopilot with a toggle and say:"It's a lesson for you,son: stay calm and NEVER doubt captain’s skills. Now get the control and show us how good pilot are you..."

chrisretusn

11-06-2004, 02:26 PM

the new bathroom

Dear Son:

Your Paw has a job. It's the first one he had in forty-eight years since we have been married. We are a little better off now, because we have so much money now we don't know what to do with it. Paw gets $47.15 every Thursday, so we thought we ought to do something about fixing up the house. We sent to Sears &Roebuck for one of them bathrooms you hear people having in houses. It took a plumber to put it in shape. On one side of the bathroom is a great long thing something like a pig trough, only you get in it and wash all over. Over on the other side is a little white thing they call a sink where you wash your face and hands. But over in the corner we really got something. This thing, you put one foot in, wash it clean, then you pull the chain &get fresh water for the other foot. Two lids come with the thing. We got no use for them in the bathroom so I'm using one for the bread board. The other lid has a hole in it so we use it for a frame for your granddad's picture. Sears &Roebuck are real nice people to deal with. They sent us a roll of paper with the outfit. We can't write on it very well, so I'm using it to wrap Paw's lunch. Take care of yourself.

Maw

gbrito

11-10-2004, 04:48 AM

Passenger:Why aircraft often fall from skies?
Captain:Aircraft does not fall! They simply shock themselves with the ground.
(Believe or not, that's the official definiton for crash!!!)

For paranoid passengers: The statistics of security and combat to the terrorism sample that the possibility to have a bomb on board is of 1 for 1000. Then, for your calmness, try to always embark with 2 bombs inside your hand luggage! And prefers to fly in companies as El Al Airlines, between Bhagdad - Jerusalem - London - New York. Following these practical advice, you never will be victim of terrorist. (but may spend a good season in the prison, far away of the flights...)

Premonition!!!! Joke and Reality: Two 3rd world's stupid / idiot brazilian guys under a 1st world hardcore security service. :eek:

Brazilian surfists Mizael Cabral, 29 years old, and Daniel Correa, 27, had been imprisoned in the hall of embarkment of Miami International Airport in October, 26th, when they tried to embark from Miami to Rio de Janeiro. In accordance with a note divulged for the U.S. Department of Justice, when the luggage of them were passing for the security guard inspection, Cabral would have asked to the agent who was making the work, if it already had found the bomb in the luggage. After that, Correa would have amended, saying to agent that, if it opened one of the luggages, it would go to blow up.[...] Concerning the threat, the two can catch a penalty five year of arrest and to a maximum fine from USS 250 to a thousand dollars. Looked for for the BBC Brazil, the Brazilian consulate in Miami said that only it could be pronounced in this Wednesday, but confirmed the accomplishment of the hearing with the Brazilians. Mizael Cabral and Daniel Correa would be at the moment being kept isolated, but they had said the familiar ones before that everything did not pass of a trick. The federal solicitor of the south district of the Flórida, Daniel Jiménez, responsible for the process against the Brazilians, said that the arrest of them "serves of alert to whom they think about making tricks of the type.Times of high level of threat, the security of our ports of entrance is a great priority. We go to process any aggressively one that to threaten, of fact or falsely, this security", it in a note said.

From BBC Brazilian Service, Nov/11/2004
My God...

gbrito

11-14-2004, 06:32 PM

Lenin goes to the Hell:
A joke in homage to Mikhail, by an old-timer Brazilian Communist, died few years ago.
Lenin died.
Being Lenin a communist and atheistic revolutionary, he was sent direct to the Hell. When Lenin arrived in the Hell, immediately perceived that Satan governed a dictatorship: the social mood between the devils was tense, good for a revolution. Then Lenin started to conspire. Strikes of demons in some sectors of the Hell; sabotages in the main torture and torments workstations; clandestine publications and other outlaw actions.
Through the Minister for Hell Internal Affairs, Adolf Hitler, Satan took knowledge of the situation and determined an urgent meeting with his staff. The head of the State security bureau and of the secret police of the Hell, Heinrich Himmler, already possessed a voluminous dossier about Lenin and his comrades devils. The intelligence services showed that the political situation in whole Hell was intolerable.
“_ How can we neutralize this individual?” asked Satan.
“_The painfull torture for an atheist is to stay close to God.” - argued the Minister for Health and Welfare, Señor Torquemada.
“_Master, you would have to use the red line phone and talk with God. Perhaps He may accept the incubency to be with Lenin and we restore the order here...” Torquemada suggested.
“_Very well, guys. I will call Him.” Said Satan.
God with His infinite mercy, accepted Satan’s argument. Then Lenin was taken for the exile in Heaven and the Hell came back to normality. Months had been passed.
However, Satan were curious. Will God converts the communist and atheistic revolutionary? Then Satan decided to make a call to God, in order to satisfy his curiosity.
Saint Peter took the phone call:
“_Peter here!”
“_Hi, son! May I have a few words with your Boss?” Satan asked for.
“_About what?” Asked Saint Peter
“_ It's about of a balding and bearded freak individual, known as Lenin. I must know how God pacified and converted him? This individual created serious problems here...”
Angry, Saint Peter answered:
“_ Comrade: first: this balding and bearded freak individual are comrade Premier Lenin, General Secretary of the Party here! Second: He is busy in a Central Committee meeting. Third : He is my boss!!! Watch your language!!”
“_ But your boss is God!” Satan affirmed, disoriented.
Then Saint Peter said, before hang-up:
“_ Comrade: God does not exist!”

chrisclu

11-15-2004, 12:53 PM

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY --

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed a man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another
seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst
out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well, your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident', I just lost it."

CASE DISMISSED

gbrito

11-16-2004, 03:22 PM

GoonMan

12-18-2004, 03:37 PM

Not sure why she got so mad. ;) :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

hayc59

12-27-2004, 03:08 PM

The Aging Explorer

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

chrisclu

12-28-2004, 05:52 AM

:D:D:D

chrisclu

01-25-2005, 02:08 PM

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And next to them, a single red rose.

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order; spotlessly clean, as is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go shopping - Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3AM, drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Jack said "So why is everything in such perfect order, so clean. I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone lady. I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26. Hot breakfast - $4.20. Red rose bud - $3.00. Two aspirin - $.38. Saying the right thing at the right time.....Priceless!

kronckew

02-24-2005, 08:42 AM

New Units o Measure:

Enjoy!
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement=
1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile perhour
= Knotfurlong
7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year
8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line
13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycles
16. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
18. 10 cards = 1 decacard
19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard
20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 fig Newton
21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
24. 10 rations = 1 decaration
25. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
28. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale
University Hospital = 1 I.V. League

chrisclu

03-10-2005, 01:11 PM

Because Of Recent Terrorist Activity, It Is Prudent
For Security Reasons To Have A Muslim Name.

So, From Now On, Please Call Me By My New Muslim
Name: Seldom Bin Layed

nippauls

05-24-2005, 10:26 AM

An explanation for computer terminology, see attachment

nippauls

05-24-2005, 10:29 AM

Password problems ;) ? see attachment

nippauls

05-24-2005, 10:34 AM

According to a news report, a certain school in Streatham, South London

was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in

the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick

they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip

prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day,

the girls would put them back.

Finally the Head decided that something had to be done. So she called

all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance

man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem

for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the

Maintenance man to clean the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and

cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no more lip

prints on the mirror.

There are Teachers; and there are Educators.

nippauls

05-24-2005, 10:36 AM

Costopoulou comes to visit her son Costa for dinner...who Lives with a girl roomate Vikki...During the course of the meal, hismother couldn't help but notice how pretty Costa's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and This had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening,while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Costa and his roommate than met the eye.Reading his mom's thoughts, Costa volunteered, "I know what you Must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates."About a week later, Vikki came to Costa saying,Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find The silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."So he sat down and wrote: >Dear Mother,I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm Not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that It has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.Love, CostaSeveral days later, Costa received an email from his Mother whichread: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I'm not sayingthat you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if shewas sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love,Mom. Lesson of the day ..... Don't Lie to YourMother...especially if she Is Greek!

nippauls

05-24-2005, 10:41 AM

The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her; "Where have you

been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us; not even a

line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little

tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a

prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner!

You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom

this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a

savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this

gold Rolex, and for you, Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited

edition convertiblethe Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation

for

you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera,

and...."

"Now, what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute,

Dad... Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Gee - you scared me half to death, girl! I

thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"

nippauls

05-24-2005, 10:49 AM

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables,horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pondwas properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbeda five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughingWith glee.As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young womenskinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of hispresence and they all went to the deep end.One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming outUntil you leave!"The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." HoldingThe bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

chrisclu

05-24-2005, 11:12 AM

Smart farmer :D:D

nippauls

06-01-2005, 07:42 PM

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest enquired ?

They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
male talking parrots that I have taught to pray and read the bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with
Francis and Bob. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their
cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and
placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're
prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed:
"Put the f***ing beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!

nippauls

06-01-2005, 07:48 PM

Women 2 :)

nippauls

06-01-2005, 07:50 PM

Women :D

nippauls

06-01-2005, 08:01 PM

UK Driving Test Question...

You are driving along a two lane road with a no passing sign posted, then
you come upon a bicycle rider. Do you follow this slow moving bicycle rider
for the next 2 miles or do you break the law and pass? You make the choice.

See attachment………….

nippauls

06-01-2005, 08:05 PM

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo.

She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.)

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."