Jokes Galleria!!!

[nippauls]

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City
to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to
his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have
baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who
couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So
the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big
cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The
stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy
admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that
there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.
Your mother can explain it to you.

[nippauls]

When NASA started launching the astronmauts to space they found out that the ordinary pens did not work in zero gravity because the ink was not rolling to the writing surface. So to solve this problem they hired Andersen consulting. It took them 10 years and 12 million dollars.
They finally made a pen that could function in zero gravity, in the water, in all kinds of surfaces including ice temperatures up to 300 degrees Celcius.

In the meantime the Russians were using pencil.

[chrisclu]

The Gorilla one is absolutely hillarious:D:D
Thanks,
Chris

I posted the last one with the Russians and the pencil a couple years ago :D
Of course this thread has gotten way to long to read them all. Easier to just post it.

[hayc59]

hehehe yes it was!!:)

[chrisclu]

There is more money being spent on breast implants and ****** today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[nippauls]

A blonde walked into a bar. She sat down and started chanting, " 37 days! 37 days!" The bartender asked what she was doing, but she didn't answer, just kept chanting "37 days! 37 days!" Soon more blondes came in, all chanting "37 days! 37 days!" The bartender again asked what they were doing, and one of them held up a little kid's bunny-rabbit jigsaw puzzle and said, "The box says 2-4 years, but we put it together in 37 days!"

[nippauls]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thyit."

[nippauls]

Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, “Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Doreen agreed and again they made love. Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

[adrian UK]

:rolleyes: Scientists for Health Uk have been considering the results of recent analysis that has revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (as hops contain phytoeostrogens) and drinking it may turn men into women.

To test this 100 men were given 6 pints of beer each over a one hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight,talked excessively without making any sense,became overly emotional,couldn't drive,failed to think rationally,argued over nothing,refused to apologise when obviously wrong,and had to sit down when urinating.

No futher testing was considered necessary!!

[hayc59]

:D :D :D

[adrian UK]

A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?'' Instead of giving the
answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and
asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a
masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons
for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the
feminine gender (''la computadora''), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
('el computador''), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

[hayc59]

adrian UK, very funny!! ;)

[nippauls]

Two priests were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sun glasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "Good morning, Father, Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.

Once again the two priests (incognito) settled on the beach, in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady."

Yes?" she replied.

"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?"

She replied, "Father, it's me......Sister Mary Francis."

[chrisclu]

That should go over great in Italy:D:D Like a pork chop at a bar mitsvah:D:D

[GoonMan]

Roflmao :D :D :D

[nippauls]

Darwin Award Nominee
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree occurred in Renton, Washington.

This appeared to be the robber's first (and last) crime, due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:

1. His target was H & J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop specializing in handguns.

2. The shop was full of customers -- firearms customers.

3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.

4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work.

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a .22 target pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm Glock 17, the clerk with a .50 Desert Eagle, assisted by several
customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also fired.

The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics.

Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop.

The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds.

Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons.

No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire.

It's only March and we already may have the 2005 winner of the Darwin Award.

This guy is going to be hard to beat.

(My own comment: The guys in the gun store could use some practice on the shooting range!! Only 23 gunshot wounds out of 47 shots; and in a close-up firing situation--less than fifty percent accuracy.)

[nippauls]

A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.



The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."



The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."



The Greek says "We had great Mathematicians."



The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire," and so on and so on, back and forth.



Then the Italian says, "We invented ***."



The Greek says, "That is true, but it was the Greeks who introduced it to women."

[kronckew]

re: darwin award nominee:

while basically true, the version circulating is a bit off in it's facts, see:

http://www.snopes.com/crime/dumdum/gunshop.asp

still funny tho.

(i posted the story on another board a few months ago, someone else pointed out the snopes thingy to me)

[hayc59]

A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.



The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."



The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."



The Greek says "We had great Mathematicians."



The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire," and so on and so on, back and forth.



Then the Italian says, "We invented ***."



The Greek says, "That is true, but it was the Greeks who introduced it to women."
hehehehe...lol, good one

[adrian UK]

Bumper Stickers:::::::

Born free.
Taxed to death.

~~~~~

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

~~~~~

Laugh alone and the world things you're an idiot.

~~~~~

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

~~~~~

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.

~~~~~

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

~~~~~

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

~~~~~

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

~~~~~

Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

~~~~~

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

~~~~~

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

~~~~~

Few women admit their age. Fewer men act it.

~~~~~

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

~~~~~

Tell me to "stuff it." I'm a taxidermist.

~~~~~

~~~~~

Time is the best teacher.
Unfortunately it kills all its students.

~~~~~

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

~~~~~

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

~~~~~

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

~~~~~

Pride is what we have.
Vanity is what others have.

~~~~~

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

~~~~~

Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

~~~~~

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

~~~~~

I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

~~~~~

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

~~~~~

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

~~~~~

We are born naked, wet, and hungry.
Then things get worse.

~~~~~

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

~~~~~

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

~~~~~

Friends help you move.
Real friends help you move bodies.

~~~~~

Very funny, Scotty.
Now beam down my clothes.

~~~~~

Don't squat with your spurs on.

~~~~~

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

~~~~~

I souport publik edekashun.

~~~~~

Be nice to your kids.
They'll choose your nursing home.

~~~~~

There are three kinds of people:
Those who can count and those who can't.

~~~~~

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear!

~~~~~

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

~~~~~

My kid beat up your honor student.

~~~~~

So many cats -- so few recipes.

~~~~~

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

~~~~~

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

~~~~~

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

~~~~~

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

~~~~~

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

~~~~~

I don't discriminate, I hate everyone!

~~~~~

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

~~~~~

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

~~~~~

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

~~~~~

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

~~~~~

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

~~~~~

Good judgment comes from bad experience,
and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

~~~~~

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

~~~~~

Duct tape is like the Force.
It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

~~~~~

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

~~~~~

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

~~~~~

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

~~~~~

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

~~~~~


So many men, so few who can afford me.

~~~~~

God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends.

~~~~~

If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.

~~~~~

My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

~~~~~

Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.

~~~~~

Coffee, chocolate, men ... Some things are just better rich.

~~~~~

Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen.

~~~~~

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

~~~~~

I'm out of estrogen - and I have a gun.

~~~~~

Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?

~~~~~

Next mood swing: 6 minutes

~~~~~

And your point is?

[adrian UK]

Subject: Short Story


A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.

The instructions were:
The short story must contain the following three components:
(1) Religion
(2) Sexuality
(3) Mystery
There was only one A+ paper in the entire class.

Below is the A+ short story.

....
....
.,..
....
....
....
....
....
...

....

Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it.

[adrian UK]

For everyone who has to work with THE PUBLIC.......

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that
I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone
Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
travelling in Australia?"
Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel
to the other side of the car?"

Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up
the window to write the number on".

Computer Capers
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised
that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my
file back again?".

[chrisclu]

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around
the market place looking at the goods and such when they passed this
small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say,
"You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"
So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you
would be interested in. Dey make you wild at ***."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after
what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't
need them, being the *** God he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a
*** freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave
in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet,
he got this wild look in his eyes... something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own
pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming,

"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!

[hayc59]

@Chris and Adrian
ROTFLMAO!!!!

[adrian UK]

Subject: FW: Best Caddy Replies

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of A
distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off

[adrian UK]

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended
college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended
college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, "How has everything been going with
you?"

"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my
finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy,
did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on
another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those
mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his
hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his
finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the
words, "Chapter Eleven."
_________________

[adrian UK]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

[adrian UK]

Oops, The Waiter Did It!



One evening, a very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine
restaurant patiently awaiting her date.

While waiting, she decided to make sure that she looked perfect
for him. So the young lady bends down in her chair in order to
get a mirror from her purse. Then just as the waiter walks up,
she accidentally farts quite loudly.

The lady immediately sat up straight, embarrassed and red faced,
sure that everyone in the place had heard her. Quickly she turns
to the waiter and demands, "Stop That!"

The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure lady. Which way
was it headed?"
_________________

[adrian UK]

Top 10 Things Only Women Understand

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. FAT CLOTHES.

6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced
lunch.

5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be
considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is
next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten
minutes.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:

1. OTHER WOMEN!

[adrian UK]

The Perfect Worker



1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered
lines.

[nippauls]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you

Three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed

To mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you

Wish for,your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your

husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will

flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful

Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world.

And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay,

because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired

about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you.

Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really

smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to

Show that women never listen!!!

[chrisclu]

That is hilarious :D:D

[adrian UK]

Sneeze

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. " Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper." :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

[chrisclu]

:d:d:d

[chrisclu]

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your ********* to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the *********."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years.

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your ********* up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400 New shirt - $36 New underwear - $6 Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[adrian UK]

:eek: "OUCH" :boo:

Very good!!

[nippauls]

Half way through a transatlantic flight, the Captain announced that unfortunately the aircraft had lost power to all four engines, and that the plane was descending towards the ocean, but the good news was, due to the height of the aircraft, it would take about 17 minutes before impact.

The passengers were a bit upset. At the front of the aircraft, a very attractive lady stood up, faced the rear of the aircraft and announced "I have only 17 minutes to live. Is there a man here who can make me feel like a real woman for those last 17 minutes?"

At the rear of the aircraft, a tall, handsome, Italian man stood up and started slowly walking towards the lady. As he walked, he started unbuttoning his shirt and everybody in the aircraft turned to watch him.

As he reached the lady, the Italian unfastened the final button, removed his shirt to reveal a tanned, muscular body.....

Then said:

"Iron this for me"

[nippauls]

Half way through another transatlantic flight, a blonde lady got up from tourist class and walked into first class and sat down.
The stewardess asked the lady to return to her seat as she didn't have a first class ticket. The lady refused, saying proudly that she was blonde, beautiful, going to New York and staying where she was.
The stewardess referred the matter to the Purser, who on challenging the blonde lady, received the same reply.
The Purser referred the problem to the Captain. The First Officer, on overhearing the problem, asked if he might resolve the problem, as he was married to a blonde, and spoke blonde.
The First Officer approached the lady, whispered something in her ear, and she promptly got up and returned to her seat in tourist class.
The stewardess and Purser were amazed, and asked the First Officer what he had said to cause the lady to return...
Simple, he replied, I just told her that first class doesn't stop at New York.

[nippauls]

A woman accompanies her sick husband to his doctor. The doctor examines the man for a long time and then he calls the wife in his office alone. He tells her :
'Your husband's condition is very serious. He has a heavy form of depression caused from stress. Unless you dont help him out there is a big chance that he wont make it.
I advise you to do the following : Make him a healthy rich breakfast every morning. Let him sleep as many hours as he wants. Be nice and gentle with him and make sure you cook him nice warm meals every night. Dont talk to him about the house problems try to keep him out of them as much as you can. Help him relax and if possible buy new sexy lingerie and massage him every night. Make love with him as often as you can and try to say yes to anything he might ask. If you do all that for at least 12 months I guarantee your husband will be as good as new.
The wife leaves the doctor's office, picks up her husband and leave to go home. As soon as they walk out the husband asks her : well, what did he tell you ?
And the wife replies : that you will die.

[nippauls]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he
observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with
eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second
Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in
your child's name, Penny." He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your
obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name,
Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother,
Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come
on D (abbreviation for Richard), we're leaving."

[nippauls]

An 80-year-old man visits the doctor for his annual check-up.

When the doctor asks him how he's feeling, the 80-year-old happily replies, "I've never felt better! I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins: "I have an older friend, much like you, whi is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane, took aim and fired. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now what do you think of that?"

"I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver", replies the old man.

To which the doctor smiles, "My point exactly."

[nippauls]

Two tourists were driving through Wales on their hols when they entered the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngllgogerychwryndrobwillyantsllyogo gogoch.

Stopping for lunch, the first tourist says to the waitress, "Excuse me, but before we order our meal, could you settle an argument for us? Could you please pronounce the name of where we are, very slowly?"

The blonde waitress leans over and slowly mouths to them,

"Burrr-gurrr-Kiiing..."

[nippauls]

LEGAL WORDS:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.

7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.



And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:

1. Think you can get me off?

[nippauls]

Count the Fs in the following :

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.



how many did you find ?














How many ? .... 3?

Wrong they are 6 ! Read again...





The reason is that the brain doesn't recognize 'of' ... Impossible ? Go back and read again.

Whoever reads the 6 Fs at once is a genius !



Whoever reads 3 Fs is average.

Whoever reads 4 is above average.

With 5 he is almost a genius.

[nippauls]

I don't know how true all of the following facts are, or if some of them have been "manipulated" but if true it's rather fascinating:

History Lesson

Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.


Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.




Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.





Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.



Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both Presidents were shot in the head.



Now it gets really weird


Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.



Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.



Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.



John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.



Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names are composed of fifteen letters.



Now hang on to your seat.



Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Ford.'

Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'





Lincoln was shot in a theatre and his assassin ran and hid

in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and

hid in a theatre.





Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.



And here's the kicker...



A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland

A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

[chrisclu]

Redneck College Brat

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through first semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents had given him for school.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. "Dad," he says," you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.

"His father sends the money. The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.

"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to see him talk and read
something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked:
"Is your daddy still cheating on your mama and messin' around with that cute little redhead next door" ?

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that **** dog".
"I sure did, Dad!" "I sure did" !!
"That' s my boy!"

[nippauls]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward will be to hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me."

God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Umm, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "Hold on." God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours!!!!!"

[chrisclu]

:D:D:D

[nippauls]

Your wife decides to go out with her friends

drinking and dancing....



You're okay with it, because you get to

watch sports and play on the internet all

night...





You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and

laugh knowing

she's going to have a monster

hangover....



You wake up next morning and go outside to

family Volvo, which she used last

night....



You sigh in relief because it's all in

One piece....



You circle the car looking for dents and

Find none....





But .... Wait a minute....











(See attached file: volvo 2.jpg)

[nippauls]

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?



Let's find out just how clever you really are.




Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)






First Question:





You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?





Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.


Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?






Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?



You're not very good at this! Are you?


Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?


Scroll down for answer.






Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?


Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?






Answer: Nunu?


NO! Of course not.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again


Okay, now the bonus round:
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?




He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

[chrisclu]

Good ones :)
She had a good time I trust. And he was worried about the car :D:D

[nippauls]

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that

There was a fortune to be made in horses, he decided to purchase one and

Enter it in the races. At the local auction, however, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured since he had it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise, the donkey came in third.



The next day the local paper carried this headline: "Pastor's *** Shows."

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won! The local paper read: "Pastor's *** Out Front."



The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he

Ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper read: “Bishop Scratches Pastor's ***.



The bishop was fit to be tied. He ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing the news, posted this headline the next day: "Nun Has Best *** in

Town."



The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get

Rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.



The next day the paper read: "Nun Sells *** For $10.00."

After the bishop was revived, he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey

And lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: "Nun Announces Her *** Is Wild and Free."



The bishop was buried the next day.

[hayc59]

:D Good one dude

[hayc59]

Snoop Doggs Teeth...

How does Snoop Dogg keep his canine teeth white?
BLEEEEEE-YATCH!

[hayc59]

Two nuns went out of their convent to sell cookies. One is known as Sister Mathematical and the other as Sister Logical. It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

Sister Logical: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?

Sister Mathematical: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

Sister Logical: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

Sister Mathematical: It's not working.

Sister Logical: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.

Sister Mathematical: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

Sister Logical: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go the this way. He cannot follows us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then, Sister Logical arrives.

Sister Mathematical: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

Sister Mathematical: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

Sister Mathematical: And?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

Sister Mathematical: Oh, dear! What did you do?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

Sister Mathematical: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! What happened then?

Sister Logical: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

[hayc59]

Acme Companies.....
Acme Rope, Inc. -
Knot your ordinary company.

Acme Mine Shafts -
Drop in any time

Acme Lollipops -
One lick and you'll stick with us.

Acme Light Company -
We have lots of bright ideas.

Acme Clown Make-up -
Let us put a smile on your face.

Acme Perfume Corp. -
We love it when business stinks.

Acme Air Conditioning -
We show people how to chill out.

Acme Toy Company -
Our work is kids' play.

Acme Perfume Company -
Our work is all dollars and scents.

Acme Almond Company -
We're nuts!

Acme Sheep Farm -
Our mind is on ewe.

Acme Calculators -
We help you solve your problems.

Acme Flower Bulbs -
We root for you.

Acme Psychologists -
Visit us and you won't go away mad!

Acme Poultry Management -
Let us count your chickens before they hatch.

[kronckew]

http://perso.wanadoo.fr/vacheland/Images/coyote%202copier.jpg
Acme!

[nippauls]

Tony Blair started jogging near his home in Chequers.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.

This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony realized she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a good explanation for the 'Boss'.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tonybecame even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker. Tony tried to avoid the prostitute'seyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for

five quid !!!"

(quid for non native UK readers is colloquial for pounds sterling)

[nippauls]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving to check out a good prospect, the brunette tells her sister, "Now, when I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
After paying him the $599 asking price, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette has only $1 left, meaning she'll only be able to send her sister a one-word message. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word...'comfortable'."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know

that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slowly...out loud...

("com-for-da-bul")."

[nippauls]

Kate Moss is in hospital after snorting curry powder. Doctors say she's
in a Korma.

[nippauls]

An Asian woman in a bank was exchanging her money and asked the

teller,"Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today I only get a hunat eighty?"



The teller says, "Fluctuations."



The Asian woman says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

[chrisclu]

:D:D:D:D

[chrisclu]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and >> a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large >> metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what >> the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were >> heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[nippauls]

:D Many a true word spoken in jest.... give me the gun! :D

[GoonMan]

ROFLMAO Good one Chris.

I needed a good laugh today and my wife enjoyed this one.

[nippauls]

"Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's
station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got
caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and
asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will
talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then
went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?" "Yes, I do." "Did you
happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have
intercourse with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

[chrisclu]

:D:D:D

Here's another.

Two women are new arrivals at the Pearly Gates and are comparing stories on how they died.

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere. Finally, I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive......

[nippauls]

:D :D :D Very Good!

[nippauls]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing on Iraq.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as
the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[nippauls]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the sile nt "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[chrisclu]

:D:D:D I wonder who thought this up.

[nippauls]

The Husband Super Store


Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to
choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out over five
floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you
ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you
HAD
to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you
couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to
return.


A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some

husbands...


First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not
having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further
up?"
So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and
are
extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder

what's further up?"

! Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely
good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow,"
said
the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so
further
up they went. "

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs,
love
kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and
have
a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just
think
what must be awaiting us further on! "

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said,

"This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are
impossible to please.

The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs"

[chrisclu]

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

[nippauls]

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side " When

I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take

off my trousers," he said.

"I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did,

they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly

wear them, as they were too large.

"I told her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this

family and I always will." Ever since that day, we have never had a

single problem."

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after

the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to

Jill and told her to put them on.

Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear

them.

"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I

always will. I don't want you to forget that."

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.

"Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.

"Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

[hayc59]

Paul very good!!
http://www.massamune.net//files/3/hoho.gif http://www.massamune.net//files/3/hoho.gif

[nippauls]

Thanks,
The jokes gallery is so prolific, maybe it needs its own mod too ;)

[nippauls]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A set of Jumper Cables walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"Two beers please, one for me and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste
funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,

"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says
"Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super
calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his
friends, in the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

[chrisclu]

# 19 is my favorite :)

[nippauls]

It is good! A collection of oldies, but the old ones are sometimes the best.

[nippauls]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches
I've been having all these years?

Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist.

He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a
headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years.

Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for
that?" -

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes wakes up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back A few minutes later and
jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even
better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

His funeral services will be held on Monday.~~

[chrisclu]

MASTERCARD WEDDING This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having *** with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F### you!".

Then he turned to his bride and said, "F### you!".
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends.........$32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion.......................$3,000.

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations..............................$8,500 .

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man............................................... Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD.

[nippauls]

Excellent! I wonder where you got that one from? :)
I didn't know if it was suitable for posting here.... but I guess it is :D

[nippauls]

A RECENT SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED TO DISCOVER WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT:
5% SAID IT WAS TO GET A GLASS OF WATER

12% SAID IT WAS TO GO TO THE TOILET

83% SAID IT WAS TO GO HOME


And a final though, as my Mom always used to tell me, "if you're not in bed by 11pm, go home".

[sFiret]

:ty: :ty: :ty:

[chrisclu]

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

[nippauls]

Very good Chris :D :D :D
Here's an email I just sent Agnitum :D

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.
However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSe xPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.
These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please

nippauls

[nippauls]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.
One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realised he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

[nippauls]

A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a supermarket was very surprised when an attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!"
Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who-are-you?" look and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.
"Look," she said, "I'm really sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, what the heck is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! Then he got a little panicky. I don't remember her, he thought, but, MAYBE... during one of the wild parties I went to when I was in college... perhaps I DID father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college, and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy *** on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No!" the woman said, with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's Class 3 teacher."

[nippauls]

A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa, go home, you're drunk!

[nippauls]

Attached

[nippauls]

Advert of the year:

[nippauls]

Attached:

[nippauls]

People spend a lot of time thinking up their children's names. It's just a pity they don't always think as hard about their domain names.

The following domains are real.

Firstly there is Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:
http://www.whorepresents.com (http://www.whorepresents.com/)

Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:
http://www.expertsexchange.com (http://www.expertsexchange.com/)

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net (http://www.penisland.net/)

Need a therapist? Try:
http://www.therapistfinder.com (http://www.therapistfinder.com/)

Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South

Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com (http://www.molestationnursery.com/)

[kronckew]

saw that on another forum, i've actually emailed the contacts listed in them with an appropriate message (ie. the rapist finder, asked them where it was as i couldn't find any rapists or rapist search engines on their site) strangely enough, the only one replying was pen island, they wrote back & said they couldn't supply one of their 'hugely popular' free www.penisland.com pens as they had run out. :D

[nippauls]

There are many sites out there where you can meet up with old school friends. The Friends Reunited dot com site is causing thousands of divorces in the UK... but these sites have got together and created a worldwide database of old school photos and no matter where you live in the world you stand a great chance of finding either individual or group school photos... well worth a try :)

http://www.worldschoolphotographs.com/

[nippauls]

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," on TV, Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:
370HSSV 0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NASA. Eventually they asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's simply holding the message upside down."

[chrisclu]

:D:D:D I actually turned my head around :D:D:D

[nippauls]

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, **** Cheney were talking,
when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me."

Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid!"

"No kidding," replied George W. "There was a pay phone just around the corner...
You could have called instead?"

[nippauls]

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We took an a*****e out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country were looking for work the next day."

[nippauls]

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves.
He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you idiot, it's Tony Blair!"

[nippauls]

Prime Minister, Tony Blair, was visiting a school when a teacher asked him if he would care to lead the class discussion on semantics. Tony, having just escaped a mauling by the BBC's Jeremy 'Rotweiler' Paxman by the skin of his lying teeth, smugly chose the word ‘tragedy' and asked the class to give an example of its use.
One boy stood up and said, “If my girlfriend, Suzie, who lives on a farm, was playing near the cesspit, and fell in, and her dad stuck a fork through her chest and killed her, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” said Blair, “that would be an accident.”
Then a pretty, dark haired girl called Keli, raised her hand and suggested shyly: “If there was, like, a nucla war dat killed all da blokes but left da girls alive and da last bloke on earth lost his ********* in a shaving accident, that would be like, a REAL tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not.” Said slimey Tone. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Blair searched the room in vain for an upraised hand. “Isn’t there anyone here who can give me a correct definition of the word 'tragedy?”
Finally, a scruffily dressed blonde right at the very back of the room raised her grubby hand. In an an uncertain voice she said: “If an aircraft carrying you, Mr. Blair, the cabinet and Mr Bush was struck by a ‘friendly’ missile fired by an American helicopter gunship and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaimed Blair. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well...” replied the girl, “it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

[nippauls]

Tony Blair is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury. He goes to greet the first and the chap replies: "FAIR fa’ your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e’ the puddin’ race! Aboon them a’ ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o’ a grace As lang ‘s my arm."

Tony, being somewhat confused goes to the next patient and greets him. He replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thank it."

The third starts rattling off as follows: "Wee sleekit, cow’rin, tim’rous beastie, O, what a panic’s in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, Wi murdering pattle!"

Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward this is; A mental ward? "No," replies the doctor. "It’s the Burns unit."

[nippauls]

George Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart. The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him.
"You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear.
Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed.
"You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps.
"Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"
The last to arrive is George Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
Bush looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

[nippauls]

Subject: Employee Performance Appraisals

These are actual quotes taken from Employee Performance Appraisals:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "T his employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.

" 6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy

" 7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

" 8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

" 9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

" 10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

" 11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

" 12."He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.

" 13. "She has taken all aspects of her job to previously unexplored levels of space.

" 14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime.

" 15. "He's been working with glue too much.

" 16. "He would argue with a signpost.

" 17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.

" 18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

" 19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.

" 20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

" 21. "A prime candidate for natural deselection.

" 22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

" 23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

" 24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

" 25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

" 26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

" 27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

" 28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

" 29. "One neuron short of a synapse.

" 30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

" 31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'.

" 32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

[nippauls]

Subject: FW: Modern Version of the Birds and the Bees!
A little boy goes to his father and asks,
"Daddy, how was I
born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day
you will need to
find out anyway! You're Mom and I first got
together in a chat room
on Yahoo.
Then, I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom
and we met at a
cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room,
where your mother
agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon
as I was ready to
upload, we discovered that neither one of us had
used a firewall, and

since it was too late to hit the delete button,
nine months later a
blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've
Got Male!!!"

[chrisclu]

An Irishman applies for a job, but the foreman won't employ him until he passes a little maths test.

"Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine," says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Apply the same rules using the number 99, this time."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.

"Dere you go."

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, dat's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat equals 99."
The boss starts getting worried that he's actually going to have to give the Irishman the job, so he says,"All right, final question, same rules
again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dere
you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the illustration and bursts out: "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
Whereby the Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, saying: "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree.

So now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat makes one hundred. ... So, when do I be starting the job?!"

[nippauls]

Child ........"Mummy, mummy, do they have xmas decorations in Vietnam?"



Mother....."No dear, but I do think they are hanging Glitter this
year"............................

[nippauls]

The wife came home early to find her husband making love to a
beautiful, sexy young woman.

"You unfaithful, disrespectful jerk! What are you doing?

How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your
children!

I'm leaving this house and I want a divorce!"

The husband, replied, "Wait! Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least
listen to what happened."

"It'll be the last thing I will hear from you so make it fast, you
cheating creep."

"While driving home this young lady asked for a ride.

I saw her so defenceless that I went ahead and allowed her into my
car.

I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed and dirty.

She mentioned she had not eaten for three days.

Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the
enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat
because you're afraid you'll gain more weight.

When I served them to her the poor young thing, practically inhaled
them. Since she was dirty I asked her if she'd like to bathe.

While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were worn-out and full
of holes so I threw them away.

Since she needed clothes,
I gave her the pair of jeans that you no longer wear because they're
too tight on you,

I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary
and you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you
won't wear just to annoy my sister

and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive
boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker
wearing the same pair.

After she dressed, I walked the young woman to the door where she
turned around and with tears of gratitude streaming down her cheeks,


"Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use?"

[nippauls]

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to
me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
>brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a
two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. "

The Lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one
of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with
three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you b******s asks her, if she knows me,
I'll throw you in jail for contempt."

[nippauls]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she
laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his
head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away." The
distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead" he replied.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a
few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck'! s owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later
with a beautiful cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak
to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches shook its
head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet
looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still
in shock, took the bill."$300!" she cried."$300 just to tell me my duck
is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $40 ............but with the Lab Report and the Cat
Scan, it all adds up."

[nippauls]

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake,happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?"she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away...................

.."We're down here ."

[chrisclu]

f You Are Unhappy

Once upon a time there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south.

In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings.

Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY

1) Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.

2) Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.

3) And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth
shut

[nippauls]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven." The
first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates, said Saint Peter.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers. St. Peter looked at
the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just how do those symbolise
Christmas?"




The man replied, "They're Carols."

[chrisclu]

Bet you didn't know this!

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck?

The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.

There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it.

The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron connonballs would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey." (All this time you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.)

[nippauls]

Hi Chris, good one :D
Many everyday expressions come from naval history.
To let the cat out of the bag: the "cat" was the cat of nine tails, a whip for punishment kept in a leather bag tied to the yard arm of naval ships. If somebody did something wrong, it would "let the cat out of the bag".
Posh. In the early days of transatlantic sailing, the best cabins were on the Port side going out and the Starboard side returning, hence Port Out Starboard Home.
To "sound something out", sounding was throwing the lead weight over the bow of the ship to test the depth of the water.
"swinging the lead" often used to describe when somebody is claiming to be ill but just wants a day off work. Also as above, testing the depth of water, recognized as the easiest job onboard.
There are hundreds of others :D
Paul

[nippauls]

1. NAMES:
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will
call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.


2. EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw ina
$20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller and none will actually admit they want the change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
sale.

4. BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A
man would not be able to identify most of these items.


5. ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


6. CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.


7. FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


8. SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, to water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and read the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. FINAL THOUGHT:
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

[chrisclu]

That's not a joke - it's real life !!
Thanks

[nippauls]

Yeah! Don't I know it! Big shortage of good jokes at the moment, when they start again I will post them, till then the quality may not be brilliant :D

[nippauls]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small
village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi Can I
talk to your dog?

Villager: The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie

Ventriloquist: Hello dog, how's it going mate?

Dog: Doin' all right.

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: Is this villager your owner? (pointing at the villager)

Dog: Yep

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
and takes me to the lake once a week to play.

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your horse?

Villager: Uh, the horse doesn't talk either..I think.

Ventriloquist: Hey horse, how's it going?

Horse: Cool

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at the villager)

Horse: Yep

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
elements.

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your sheep?

Villager: (in a panic) The sheep's a liar.

[Zykan]

Confucious Says....

A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
A girl's best asset is her lieability.

Baby conceived in back seat of automatic car grow up to be shiftless *******.
Baseball wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.

Carry a rabbit in a storm and the wind’ll blow the hare in your face.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

Do not drink and park - accidents cause people.
Don't sweat petty stuff, and don't pet sweaty stuff.

Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

Find blind man on nude beach, not hard.
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
Forbidden fruits make many jams.

Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy.
Girl who rides bicycle peddles *** all over town.
Girl who sit on lap of jockey get hot tip.
Girl who sit on lap of judge get honourable discharge.

He who crosses ocean twice without washing is dirty double crosser.
He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
He who has a sharp tongue cuts own throat.
He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.
He who sleep on bed of nails is holy man.
He who stick head in open window get pane in neck.
House without toilet uncanny.

It takes many nails to make a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
If you turn oriental around, he become disoriented.

Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Man bobbing up and down in corn field is not planting grain.
Man trapped in pantry have *** in jam.
Man who abuse computer get bad bytes.
Man who cooks carrots and peas in same pot, very unsanitary.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who drop watch in toilet have crappy time.
Man who drop watch in whisky wasting time.
Man who eat cookie in bed wake up feeling crumby.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who eat many prunes sit on toilet many moons.
Man who eat photo of father, soon spitting image of father.
Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man who fight with wife all day get no peace at night.
Man who get kicked in ********* left holding bag.
Man who go to bed with diarrhoea wake up in deep ****.
Man who go to bed with itchy *** wake up with smelly finger.
Man who has hand in pocket always on the ball.
Man who have circumcision lose foresight.
Man who have hand in pocket not just jingling change.
Man who have hand in pockets not crazy, just feeling nuts.
Man who have head up ***, have crappy outlook on life.
Man who is basketball player dribbles before he shoots.
Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.
Man who kiss epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
Man who kisses girls behind, gets crack in face.
Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
Man who live in glass house dress in basement.
Man who make love to exhaust pipe of car have hot rod.
Man who make love to woman on hill, not on level.
Man who marries girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
Man who pee on electric fence receive shocking news.
Man who pee through screen door, only straining himself.
Man who pulls on woman's bra-strap get bust in mouth.
Man who put cream in tart not always baker.
Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
Man who put wick into wrong candle get burned.
Man who read woman like book, prefer braille.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who run in front of car, get tired.
Man who scratches *** should not bite fingernails.
Man who shoot off mouth, bound to lose face.
Man who sit on hot stove will rise again.
Man who sit on tack get point.
Man who sit on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.
Man who sleep on railroad tracks wake up with split personality.
Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
Man who snatches kisses when young, kisses snatches when old.
Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters into own hands.
Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.
Man who stand on toilet must be high on pot.
Man who sucks nipples make clean breast of things.
Man who take woman on camping trip have one intent.
Man who tell one too many lightbulb joe-ks soon burn out.
Man who walk middle of road get run over by bus.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Man with chip on shoulder have wood higher up.
Man with forked tongue not need chop sticks.
Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man with no legs bums around.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.
Naked man fears no pick pocket.
Never raise hands to angry child - it leave groin exposed.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly.
People who make Confucius joe-ks speak bad English.

Sailor who get discharged from navy leave buddies behind.
Schoolboy who plays with schoolgirl during wrong period get caught red-handed.
Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.
Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
Short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
Streaker unsuited for his work.
Support bacteria - may be only culture some people have.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like bananas.
To make egg roll, push it.
To prevent hangover stay drunk.
Two wrongs not make right, three lefts do.

Virgin like balloon - one prick, all gone.
Virginity like bubble - one prick and all gone.

War does not determine who is right - war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.
Woman who fly airplane upside down have crackup.
Woman who go to man's apartment for snack may get tit bit.
Woman who make love in treehouse put *** out on limb.
Woman who put detergent on top shelf, Jump for Joy.
Woman who spends much time on bedspring, may have offspring.
Woman who spring on innerspring this spring have offspring next spring.
Woman who wear G-string high on crack.
Worm that falls asleep in King Arthur’s apple will wake up in middle of knight.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

[Zykan]

Insurance Claims...

Incidents with Pedestrians.
The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.

Accidents with other vehicles.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.
The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.
The car in front of me stopped for a yellow light, so I had no choice but to hit him. (She pushed him through the intesection)

Collisions, calamities, and injuries.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I saw two kangaroos having it off in the middle of the road. So I hit them, which caused me to ejaculate through the sunroof.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.
The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

Who is to Blame?
No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.
I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend reached over and grabbed my ********* so I lost control.
I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.
The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
Windshield broke. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.
No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.
I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.
The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I left for work this morning at 7am as usual when I collided straight into a bus. The bus was 5 miniutes early.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.
The accident happened because I had one eye on the truck in front, one eye on the pedestrian, and the other on the car behind.
I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.

[nippauls]

A man staggers into casualty with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the ... well that's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

[nippauls]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer (also a blonde). The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[nippauls]

Three women all worked in the same office, with the same female boss. Each day they noticed that the boss would leave work early.
One day, the women decided, that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called, or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early.

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, played with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the gym before meeting her dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early to suprise her husband. But when she got to the bedroom,
she heard a muffled noise coming from inside.
Slowly and quietly she cracked open the door, and was mortified to see
her boss in bed with her husband!

Gently she closed the door, and crept out of the house.

The next day the brunette and the redhead planned on leaving early again and asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"NO WAY," the blonde exclaimed, " I ALMOST GOT CAUGHT YESTERDAY!!!"

[nippauls]

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the 3 of them and said, "So ya'll want to be a cop, eh?"

The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc."

So he stuck the photo in the face of the 1st blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The 1st blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the 2nd blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too!"

The 2nd blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the 3rd and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but......." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts... How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

[nippauls]

Gates (CEO of Microsoft), Andy Grove(CEO of Intel) and Jerry Sanders (CEO of AMD) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussions, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Bill is sitting.
Bill says, "Oh, that's my emergency beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I really need to take this call." So Bill lifts his wristwatch to his ear and begins talking into the end of his tie. After completing this call, he notices the others are staring at him.
Bill explains, "Oh, this is my new emergency communication system. I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie. That way, I can a take a call anywhere."
The others nod, and the meeting continues. Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy starts beeping. He also states, "Oh, that is my emergency beeper. Excuse me, gentlemen, this must be an important call." So Andy taps his earlobe and begins talking into thin air.
When he completes his call, he notices the others staring at him and explains, "I also have an emergency communication system. But my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is actually embedded in this fake tooth. Isn't that neat?"
The others nod, and the meeting continues.
Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Jerry emits a thunderous fart. He looks up at the others staring at him and says, "Uhh, somebody get me a piece of paper... I'm receiving a fax."

[nippauls]

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position in Seatle.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

[nippauls]

Mr. Steve Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana.
He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter, and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs.
Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.
When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."

[nippauls]

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"

[nippauls]

An elderly Italian man who lived in the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession.

He said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son and you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with favors."

The priest said: "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people together under those circumstances are greatly tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."

"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."

"And what is that?" said the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

[nippauls]

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers’ license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.", and she processes his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

[nippauls]

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".

"Yeah, my wife..."

[nippauls]

Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"

[nippauls]

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and sleep with with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

[nippauls]

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[nippauls]

Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way...
One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.

"How?" asked the second worker.

Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.

Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb" answered the public servant.

"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"

"Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.

The second worker was hot on his heels.

"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.

"Home," he said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."

[nippauls]

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself
to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the
captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician
found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day and then another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

[nippauls]

The only cow in a small town in Poland stops giving milk, so the villagers buy one from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles.

Because the cow is so wonderful, they buy a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.

However, whenever the bull goes near the cow, the cow moves away.

The people are upset and decide to talk to the sage.

They tell him what's happening: "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from behind, she moves forward."

The sage thinks about this for a minute and asks, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

The people are dumbfounded. "Yes," they say. "How did you know?"

The sage answers sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

[nippauls]

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. ''You've got to have a room somewhere,'' he pleaded. ''Or just a bed, I don't care where.'' ''Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,'' admitted the manager, ''and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.'' ''No problem,'' the tired Marine assured him. ''I'll take it.''
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. ''How'd you sleep?'' asked the manager. ''Never better.'' The manager was impressed. ''No problem with the other guy snoring, then?'' ''Nope, I shut him up in no time,'' said the Marine. ''How'd you manage that?'' asked the manager. ''He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,'' the Marine explained. ''I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me.''

[nippauls]

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the wall over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle.

But is not only that Mum, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.

In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith.

P.S.: Mum, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in the desk drawer.

[nippauls]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too

smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter

than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry

waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was.

The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed
to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and

behave.

She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed

to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to
the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The
principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

"Harry, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Harry: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: What's a start with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, and

delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Harry was taking charge.

Harry: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a
dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of

heat and excitement?

Harry: Fire truck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

[nippauls]

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "No I give up, you can have the duck.

[nippauls]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"
Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."

[nippauls]

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, each of the three lawyers buys a ticket while the three engineers buy only one ticket.
"How can the three of you travel on one ticket?" asks a lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
Aboard the train the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the restroom and squeeze the door closed behind them.
When the conductor comes around collecting tickets, he knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers are impressed with this clever idea. One the way home from the conference, they decide to copy the engineers' technique. At the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all!
"How in the hell are you going to pull this off?" asks a lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They board the train. The three lawyers cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into the other restroom.
Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and knocks on the other restroom door. "Ticket, please!"

[nippauls]

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself. "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"
The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the thought of moving with Hillary to New York that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the money to pay for the new house. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him.
"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"
"So far only about three hundred gallons but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning!"

[kronckew]

Unanswered Questions

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

12 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for their final exam.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?



As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells
"THEIRS"?

[nippauls]

Qantas Pilots v. mechanics



Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QUANTAS
pilots and The corrective action recorded by mechanics. (By the way
Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.)

P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log.
S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.



P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.



P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Auto land not installed on this aircraft.



P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.



P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order!!



P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.



P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.



P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!



P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.



P: Number 3 engine missing. (Note: this was for a piston-engineered
airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly).
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.



P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.



P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.



P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

[nippauls]

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."


And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.



When they finished the ceremony and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"



She had a box with her. She came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.



So, her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband?"

The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" exclaimed the friend.

"Sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

[nippauls]

This is a link to an item on the BBC news website... it is priceless :D

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/4748292.stm

[Manny Carvalho]

I wonder if the goat dressed in white for the wedding :eek:

[Keith]

I wonder if the goat dressed in white for the wedding :eek:

But then it would get ridiculed for not being virginal.
So, off-white it is.:p

[hayc59]

I wonder if the goat dressed in white for the wedding :eek:
:D :D

[chrisclu]

A plane was taking off from New York. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Seattle. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD!”

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in Coach yelled, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine.”

[Paranoid2000]

Seen in another forum:

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.

Bear says: "If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire savannah is afraid of me."

Says the chicken: "Big deal. I only have to cough, and the entire planet sh*ts itself."

[kronckew]

Sad news...

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.


Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.
Butterworth, Hungry Jack,the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess
Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.


The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with
turnovers.

He was not considered a very smart cookie,wasting much of his dough on
half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was
considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and
Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven.

He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion
and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads it.

[nippauls]

Happy Easter :)

[Ngwana]

1. An husband habitually came home drunk around midnight to find a furious wife and they will have a war of words. The habit continued for some time and each time the wife will complain. Someday the wife decided to change her tactics to react differently. That night she kindly opened the door, served him a warm meal, smilled and asked him to come to bed where the scene was as romatic as possible. The drunk husband now commented, 'we have to make this one quick because tonight I will be in serious trouble when I get home, it is already too late'.

2. An excited newly wed did not know what to say to his wife after a two week honeymon. He thought for a while and keen to show how much he loved his wife he said, ' I really enjoyed my self, this is the best thing that ever happened in my life, if someday you decide to leave me, I am going with you'.

[nippauls]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"


So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"


The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.


St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.


The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"


The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[Manny Carvalho]

Quack, quack. I enjoyed that one Paul!

[nippauls]

Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by
from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.


Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?
The fairy godmother replied,
"Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration,
she uttered her first wish:


"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy
beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"
The fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do
What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."


At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"


Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,
"I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat,
into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological
make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes
of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.


The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments,


Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.


Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man
she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair,
& held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close,
blowing her golden hair
with his warm breath
as he whispered...
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

[Manny Carvalho]

Meouch!

[kronckew]

Bird Flu strikes the trailer park!

the end of the world as we know it!

http://f5.putfile.com/5/12520110582.jpg

had to happen sooner or later:

[nippauls]

Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi Beach couldn’t seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice. “Mate it’s obvious,” says the lifeguard, you’re wearing them old baggy swim trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They’re years out of style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of speedos – about two sizes to small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside ‘em. I’m tellin’ ya mate….You’ll have all the babes ya want!” The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick! So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, “What’s wrong now?” “JAHEESUS!” said the lifeguard, “Mate. The potato goes in front!”

[fidsey]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A LATINO IF...

- You have ever been spanked with chanclas (thongs).

- You have later been spanked with the plancha chord (the iron cord).

- Your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you to dinner and you only live in a one bedroom apartment.

- You can get to your house blindfolded by the smell of the cooking.

- You have a perpetually drunk uncle.

- You know whats its like to have dinner well after 9.30pm .

- Weddings,Quinceanieras and other functions will usually include Breakfast at 8am on the menu, as a hangover cure and people contuinue to party after breakfast and you can't leave until you take that piece of cake home.

- You don't go out clubbing till well after 2am & continue to dance & drink well after the sun comes up.

-You know how to party, and if the party isnt over after 9am...its not a party!.

- You know at least one person in your family named Maria, Carlos, Juan, Jose, Tony, Tito or Luis.

- As a kid you were to walk the floor barefoot or they'll catch a cold.

- You go to a wedding or Quiencienera, gossip about how bad the comida is, but be the first to take a plato to go.

- You have a lady in your barrio named "La Flaca" (skinny) who's bigger than a house.

- Basically everyone you know has a Nickname.

- You have a cousin named "Negro" who's got the whitest skin in town.

- You have sat in a two-passenger car with over seven people in it and excplaimed "dale, que caben mas".

- You get anothers attention by saying "chhh chhh" or "Pssssst."

- You call your sneakers -tenis- .

- Your grandmother thinks she has the miracle cure for everything.

-If someone tells you to be at a certain place at 1:00 pm, you don't show up until 2:30 or 3:00 p.m.

-You know who Xuxa, Che, Maradona and Pele are.

-Your entire family goes to grandma's house on Sundays for a big family get together....even when you guys see each other everyday.

-You are the loudest person in the room.

-You take soccer too seriously & go crazy for the world cup.

-You are so used to corruption that nothing surprises you anymore.

-You know what it's like to buy liquor & cigarrettes without an ID, in fact you've probably been doing it since you were 8.

-You are too friendly.

-You constantly refer to cereal as "con flei".

-People tell you to stop screaming when you`re really just talking.

- You can dance merengue, cumbia, and salsa without music.

- You have at least 30 cousins

-If when in your country u hear the neighbors screaming "se fue la lus!"

-You baptize your child even though you might never go to church except for weddings and funerals.

-You think that 2am is too early to go to bed and that 11am is to early to get out of bed.

-There is more Budweiser, Quilmes or Corona than punch at little Juanito's birthday 1st birthday party.

-There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.

-You go to a birthday party and your friends that couldn't go are asking you to bring them back some food

-Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.

[fidsey]

Your next door neighbours are from Tunisia, Israel, Indonesia, Japan, Zimbabwe, Iraq, Brazil, Spain, Malaysia, South Africa, Latin America......

You sleep with Aeroguard on.

You're wearing a cap emblazoned with 'Get A Dog Up Ya.'

You feel obliged to spread salty black stuff that looks like congealed motor oil on bread and actually grow to like it.

You actively dislike Americans, but watch their TV, eat their food and worship their idols.

You think Tall Poppy Syndrome is a national condition.

Your dream is to travel Australia in a caravan.

Democracy means the freedom to draw caricatures of John Howard.

The closest you ever got to going overseas was your packet of 5 Days In the Whitsundays.

A posh meal = an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Your knowledge on Geography is extrermely minimal (You think Venenzuela is in Asia).

You can go to the shops bafefoot & dressed in your pijamas/cleaning clothes/dirty clothes and no one will look twice.

You convincec yourself that Australia is the best country in the world therefore have no desire to travel.

Your most offensive curse also doubles as an exclamation of awe or amazement, like, "fark orf!"

All of your internationally famous people don't live here.

You think footballers dressing up in drag on TV is funny (but your son being gay isn't).

Your friends change on a monthly/yearly basis, and you wouldn't even bother contacting your 'best' friend from last year as you two are so different these days.

The Greeks and Mexicans next door ask you over to have a barbeque.

You relish test cricket - the longest, slowest game in sport (and that's not even counting the replays). After all, what else gives you an excuse to sit on your arse for five days, watch TV and sink piss with your mates?

You don't drink Fosters, but you let the world think you do.

You can compress several words into one - ie 'g'day', 'd'reckn?' This allows for more space for profanities.

You favour either Holden or Ford - or a souped-up WRX with new kit and a bootful of subwoofer.

Driving down the main street/beach road playing bad techno is your idea of a perfect Saturday night / Sunday arvo.

You make kooky films, sometimes about wayward road trips (across the outback preferably). Quite a few are crap.

You know all the words to Khe Sahn but not the national anthem.

Your nickname ends in 'a' or 'o' (Davo, Shazza)

You have a customised stubby holder.

Your soap stars become pop singers and move to the UK.

You've ever used the words - grouse, tops, ripper, choice, sick, rad, exo, ace, wicked, ballistic - to mean good. And then you place 'bloody' in front of it when you really mean it.

The "Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oi oi oi!" chant has been a religious experience in the past.

Your politicians believe than sticking the prefix 'un' in front of your nationality is an effective way of making you sit down and shut up.

Our mantras are 'fair go for all', 'mateship' and 'little Aussie battler' - but we still publicly condemn those with different viewpoints to us.

An eight-hour trip to go camping for the weekend isn't out of the question or excessive.

You take pride in living in a tolerant multicultural society but firmly believe that all Poms, Spanish, Japanese etc should go back to their own country.

You insist on asking every celebrity who steps of an aircraft what they think of Australia. If the response is not overwhelmingly positive, they should be subjected to immediate public ridicule.

The private lives of footy and cricket players become more important than local and national news stories.

90% of millionares your country are from other countries, half of them don't speak english.

Slick pick-up lines like 'Wanna shag?' and 'Carn, show us yer tits' can constitute male-to-female conversation.

You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.

The first thing guaranteed to get eaten at parties is fairy bread.

You are running late for work yet you still arrive before 9am.

You whine about having to travel 30 minutes to see someone.

Your friends won't travel 30 minutes to see you because they think its too far.

You make over $100,000 AU and still can't afford a house.

You order organic fruit and vegies online, but eat out every night anyway.

You contemplate calling a taxi from your home to where you managed to park the car the night before.

You know everyone's e-mail and mobile number but not their last name or home address.

You have dinner sometime between 5pm and 7pm & going to bed after 9pm is a crime.

Your taxi driver was a micro-surgeon before he moved to Australia.

A BIG night out ends before 4am.

Your co-worker tells you he/she has 8 body piercings but none are visible.

You can't remember....is dope illegal?

A man in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps gets on the bus. You don't notice.

A woman with live poultry gets onto the bus. You don't notice.

You are genuinely surprised when you meet someone who was actually born in Australia (but then, they are Latin/South African/Swiss/Thai/Brazilian).

You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits.

[fidsey]

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, " Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"


The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out; he returns and says,



"Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too.

She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."



The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!



During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying,







"Dear Lord, bless this dinner and Thank you for all you give us."



A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness."



Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.

The

others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."





The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!":D :D :p

===========================================

[nippauls]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone
Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my
horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde
woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and
spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still
kill you in
two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the
horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again
returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive
than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. "What is
your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

I told you to bring POSSE!"*

[sdotty313]

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, " Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"


The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out; he returns and says,



"Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too.

She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."



The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!



During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying,







"Dear Lord, bless this dinner and Thank you for all you give us."



A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness."



Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.

The

others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."





The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!":D :D :p

===========================================

heard this before but in a different amnner

still funny though:D

[nippauls]

Why we split up...


She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit
drinking.

Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.

So I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.


I don't think she's coming back..........

[chrisclu]

Very good.

[kronckew]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my
wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always
had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always
something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make
her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out
again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the
grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will
always have a limp.

[fidsey]

How to get free drinks

Larry and Bob wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00 between them.
Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage.
Bob said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
hey went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots ofJack Daniels.
Bob said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in?
We haven't got any money to pay for this!"
Larry replied, with a smile, " Don't worry - I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks.
Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on yourknees and put it in your mouth."
Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth bar, Bob said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"
Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar!":D :D :D

[nippauls]

Why females should avoid a girls night after they are married:

"The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I
told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well,
the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3
a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the
cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly,
realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9
times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape
a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told
him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with
that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him
why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, "Oh s**t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[hayc59]

nippauls, very funna!! thanks

[kronckew]

http://eur.i1.yimg.com/eur.yimg.com/i/uk/pr/o/photo52.jpg

The UK Inland revenue is going to adopt this form for 2007 based on it's overwhelming successs in the USA. Der Chancellor and heir apparent, Herr Gordon Brown has indicated his pleasure at it's adoption as it will allow him to pay for tony bliar's spin-doctor bill which is currently 10% higher than the defense budget. after all, now that their chief fund raiser has been arrested, he needs to stea..er, raise more money from somewhere to keep his party in power.

[hayc59]

http://img307.imageshack.us/img307/1659/he7ll.gif http://img307.imageshack.us/img307/1659/he7ll.gif http://img307.imageshack.us/img307/1659/he7ll.gif

[kronckew]

Hilarious 911 emergency call: Linky (http://myweb.tiscali.co.uk/gladius/911DEER.WAV)

1st minute is a bit dull, it pick up alot second half)

(2 min 16 sec)

[kronckew]

http://myweb.tiscali.co.uk/gladius/women.jpg

[Rickster100]

An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. One of the undertakers strode up to provide comfort in this sombre moment.

Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The undertaker apologised and explained that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black, but he'd see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day.When the undertaker pulled back the curtain, she managed to smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She said to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied.

The woman smiled at the undertaker.

He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"

:D

Richie

[nippauls]

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. Remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.

Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they are overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

" We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people are trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman,"Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was over booked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.

They, too were over booked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

" Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand, I knelt down, and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

"He said: "Where'd you get the awful hairdo?"

[kronckew]

Reflections:

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. (aka 'Torch' in the UK)

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Just think, when you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[hayc59]

http://img307.imageshack.us/img307/1659/he7ll.gif http://img307.imageshack.us/img307/1659/he7ll.gif

[nippauls]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.


He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,
not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head
abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small
error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that
error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.


The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son."


He went down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the
original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that
hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees
the old abbot.


So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees
him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
"We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong,
father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...


CELEBRATE!!!"

[kronckew]

you find out interesting things when you have sons, like....

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. Ft. House 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. Room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department inAustin , TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

[kronckew]

Proof That The World Is Nuts (r-rated pg-15)

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have relations with animals, but the animals must be female. Having relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The genitalia of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for auto-eroticism in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind!")
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside

And deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege.

Reason: under Guamlaw, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.


(Let's just think for a minute; is there

Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England- but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have relations with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illeg al for a man to have relations with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what?

Well, not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses

150 calories an hour.


(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have relations for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and

Always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of???)

(Did the government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad

Breath in the morning!)

[kronckew]

Arrh! this be not funny, but i be moorin' this here parchment ter this mast ennyhows as yer a captive audience....
anybodies who laughs gets 10 lashes on the gratings wif the bosun's cat.
(there be only 10 types of pirates, thems thet speaks binary and thems thet don't)

Arrrrh! Ahoy y'all
http://reveredorderofpiratesandrogues.com/images/animateflag4.gif

Avast & stops all thet jabberin' this is important!
September 19 is "Talk Like a Pirate Day"

She be rollin' round agin'; we'se been cleanen & polishen the good ship Black Duck & have stole some extry rum barrels so'se we'll be ready fer all them wimmen who'll be flockin' aboard ter help celebate! we kinda wore out the apprentice pirates shirt we wuz usin to clean wiff (and gave up cleanin' due to the stench - who needs clean pyrates ennyhoo), he won't mind tho as the cap'n keelhauled the blighter yesterday fer sassin' back & the sharks et him, well mosta him, we saved a drumstick fer our dinner last nite...

More details at: http://www.talklikeapirate.com/piratehome.html

Arrrrh! an' we'll save an extry tot o' rum fer yers ternite! (it'll help wash down them drumstick leftovers)

More Pyrates be here! Arrrh!

Ahoy, avast and belay yer lubberly makework and be watching these heer vide-yoh-ho-hos!

Linky1 - the 5 a's (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cKCkbWDGwE)

Linky2 - phone etiquette (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGECIFa9rJM)

Linky3 - swaggerin' (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byQPKf7-PvA)

Linky4 - never turn yer back (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iq3vVBEsFK4)

[hayc59]

Letter to Redneck Son

Dearest Son

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Gander family that lived here took the house numbers
when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice.
It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure about it.
I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit,
she put a third one in because she heard you have grown
another foot since she last saw you.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday.
We were really worried because it took him two hours
to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn't get
the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom

[kronckew]

it's nice of y'all to share that letter from your mom, reminds me of home, the sound of the rain on the tin roof, my ol' faithfull '58 pickup rusting away on the blocks in the long grass out front, my sister-in-law playing with her kids and their pet catfish in the pond down by the cattle pasture afore they go off to school together, the smell of newly fallen trees after the tornado. home.

y'all be good and kiss yer aunt momma fer me next time you see her, & say hi ta yer paw and yer dad the baptist preacher n' ask yer sister how she likes bein' his wife. last time i wuz home she wasn't old enough ter talk yet, but of course that was ten years ago before his third wife drown in the outhouse when the seat rotted thru & she fell in. is he still sellin' that good moonshine o' his out the back of his church after sunday meeting?

say hi to lulu may for me too, i still remember that night in the barn when we was 11, wuz always sorry she went off and married that foreigner from way off in arkansas.

i'll remind the rest of the forumites that all southerners are related, and us rednecks even more so than most. why even the cows are cousins, not to mention the sheep. (we have a few welshmen and new zealanders in the family don't ya know). however, me and Suzy got a divorce, so I'm not sure whether we're still brother and sister or not

y'all be good out there & come visit when you can.

your 3rd cousin,

[hayc59]

Very good one!!:D

[kronckew]

Good joke: A Story You Hope is True (http://www.JumboJoke.com/a_story_you_hope_is_true_756.html)

[hayc59]

Good joke: A Story You Hope is True (http://www.JumboJoke.com/a_story_you_hope_is_true_756.html)
Whoa!!! :)

[Rickster100]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of
the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the
metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him,
blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him no
problem!" thought the elderly speedster as he floored it to 100 mph,
then 110, then 120 mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing?
I'm too old for this nonsense!", pulled over to the side of the road and
waited for the Trooper to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's
side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends
in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were
speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my
wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing
her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper

[hayc59]

:d :d

[kronckew]

The smoking Room ceiling:

http://eur.i1.yimg.com/eur.yimg.com/i/uk/pr/o/photo1.gif

neat paint job....

[kronckew]

decided to put this here for broadest exposure, even tho it is a very usefull troubleshooting device, as it is generic and not specific to outpost.

http://myweb.tiscali.co.uk/gladius/troubleshoot.png

[kronckew]

Some of these may need translating into amurricun english or canuckian

Quotes from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
were given pointed sticks?

I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of
our family holidays in Customs.

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be
sh*tting herself.

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I
was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to
sleep at night.

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The
hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join
the circus?" The dog replies: "W hat would the circus want with a
plumber".

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton
when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening...
Self-raising?"

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought
the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the
Girl out of Cork...

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned
out it was a bloody hoax.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a
winner and a loser at the same time.

[kronckew]

and so y'all back home don't feel left out:

A would be robber James Elliott from Long Beach, California killed himself when his .38 calibre revolver failed to fire, Mr Elliott apparently peered down the barrel and then tried the trigger again. This time it worked.


1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked at the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.(hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power was applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.

He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE ... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer

[hayc59]

muhaaa!! all those are great
nd the smoke room paint job is cool
would love that at home

[kronckew]

I thought this was fitting since it was closing in on Halloween. :lol :lol

Captions are above the picture they 'go to' :)

Try to understand this: You see, my FUR keeps me warm. Your sweaters only serve to insult me.
http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i177/kipperdoodle/e-mail%20pictures/Dog-1.jpg

If the choice is between prison and playing dress up with you, I choose prison.
http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i177/kipperdoodle/e-mail%20pictures/Dog-2.jpg

Though I have provided all the evidence in the world, perhaps I should take this time to state a certain fact explicitly: I am a DOG. I am NOT a CHILD.
http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i177/kipperdoodle/e-mail%20pictures/Dog-3.jpg

If you wanted a bunny, why didn't you just buy one?
http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i177/kipperdoodle/e-mail%20pictures/Dog-4.jpg

Please remind me why I'm supposed to love you.
http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i177/kipperdoodle/e-mail%20pictures/Dog-5.jpg

I give you everything I have to give and you still wish I were a Dalmatian
http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i177/kipperdoodle/e-mail%20pictures/dog-fire.jpg

If I had hands I'd strangle you.
http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i177/kipperdoodle/e-mail%20pictures/Dog-7.jpg

I suppose it could have been worse. You could've put me in a hair net so I'd look exactly like you do in the mornings. Oh... wait... you did.
http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i177/kipperdoodle/e-mail%20pictures/Dog-8.jpg

What is wrong with you. Seriously. Did you not get enough love as a child? Is your world so completely devoid of meaning that you think dressing me as a flower is a form of care taking? I hope the house gets burgled tonight. And when it does, you know what? I'm not even going to bark, because FLOWERS can't bark!
http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i177/kipperdoodle/e-mail%20pictures/Dog-9.jpg

(cont.)

[kronckew]

Oy vey. If only Moses would have left in that 11th Commandment: "Thou shall not desecrate one's pet."
http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i177/kipperdoodle/e-mail%20pictures/Dog-11.jpg

I wonder how many of these I have to slip into her water to end the torment.
http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i177/kipperdoodle/e-mail%20pictures/Dog-12.jpg

Very cute. You come up with that yourself?
http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i177/kipperdoodle/e-mail%20pictures/Dog-13.jpg

Look, I'm barely a dog. I have enough identity issues without you dressing me up as a cheetah. And in case you haven't noticed, I'm not Tarzan.
http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i177/kipperdoodle/e-mail%20pictures/dog-tarzan.jpg

You are doing your best to ruin what self-esteem I have left.
http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i177/kipperdoodle/e-mail%20pictures/Dog-14.jpg

And I thought the bunny suit was bad... What am I now? A Dogglebee? A Dogfly? Please stop. Please. I beg you.
http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i177/kipperdoodle/e-mail%20pictures/Dog-15.jpg

[hayc59]

Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?
She heard the drinks were on the house.

[kronckew]

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the low country of South Carolina, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale - It's real.

This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize t hat there was nobody behind the wheel. Then the car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.

The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve. Still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the marsh and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared through the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk.
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About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other: "Look Bubba, There's that idiot who rode in our car when we was pushin it in the rain."

[kronckew]

Just when you got used to your freeware, microsoft buys the company:


Microsoft Firefox 2007 (http://www.msfirefox.com/)

;)

[kronckew]

http://forums.axcess.us/uploads/20061122_044819_tg1.jpg
http://forums.axcess.us/uploads/20061122_045115_turkey-planet.jpg
http://pics.bbzzdd.com/users/snowdon/unknown.jpg
http://guy-sports.com/fun_pictures/thanksgiving2.jpg
http://peoresnada.com/pictures/h/alienkids.jpg
http://www.bluecorncomics.com/pics/ramirez4.gif
http://img.timeinc.net/time/cartoons/20051111/8.jpg
http://members.shaw.ca/dryblog/20041011Thnksgvng.gif
http://www-unix.oit.umass.edu/%7Efholmes/comic7.gif
http://ra.nilenet.com/%7Egaska/turkey.gif
Happy Thanksgiving y'all!

[nippauls]

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where
a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
Entrance is a description of how the store operates:

1. You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

2. There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends

3. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor,
But cannot go back down except to exit the building!

A woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 – These Men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking, help with housework,
And have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There
are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives Store just across the street, also with six floors and the same rules.
The first floor has wives that love ***.
The second floor has wives that love *** and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

[chrisclu]

Excellent !!!! ( I wouldn't have even bothered leaving the first floor. )

[kronckew]

you mean there were more floors? i never got out of the ground floor.

[nippauls]

:) :d :d

[nippauls]

New "Human Resources Dept." Words for 2006


TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking Bo****ks.

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

SINBAD. single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE . The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake ( e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

GOING FOR A McSH*T. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McSh*t with Lies.

AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.

BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH. A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go:"Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks

SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person

SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive person

TART FUEL. Bottled pre-mixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women

[nippauls]

Hello, my name is Lewis and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion frigging chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe
that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000?

How stupid are we?

"Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!"

What a bunch of bulls**t.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and so**mize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started
by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.

To hell with 'em.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and
this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.

I don't frigging care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's
funny, send it on.


Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the *** of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know.

Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

P.S. Send me 15 bucks

[nippauls]

Why females should avoid a girls night after they are married:

"The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I
told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well,
the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3
a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the
cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly,
realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9
times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape
a possible conflict with him.


The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told
him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with
that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him

why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh sh*t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[kronckew]

compendium:


The *** was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

If you smoke after ***, you're doing it too fast.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Born free... taxed to death.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I've ever made.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.

If, a two letter word for futility

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

All men are idiots ... I married their king.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

My kid had *** with your honor student.

Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.

If something goes without saying, LET IT!

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Help wanted, telepath: you know where to apply

IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

I love cats ... they taste just like chicken

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Where are we going? And why are we in this hand basket?

I want to be like Barbie, that ***** has everything.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Spotted owl taste just like chicken.

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.

I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.

This would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me.

I have the body of a god... Buddha!

I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

Auntie Em- Hate you, hate Kansas, taking dog. Dorothy

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Guns don't kill people... but they make it real easy.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling
like the passengers in his car.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

*** on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.

[nippauls]

:d :d :d

[nippauls]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor
of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other
people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra
curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their
silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a
new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup
parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She
emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment
and just turned and walked away.

He didn't explain, defend, or deny... he said nothing. Later that
evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's
house...
walked home... and left it there all night....

You gotta love George.

[nippauls]

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other
kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the
other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank
top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

[nippauls]

At a recent computer expo (1996 COMDEX), Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the automotive industry by stating: "If General Motors had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bills comment, General Motors issued a press release making the following statement: "If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1) for no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day.

2) Every time they re-painted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3) Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason. In order to get started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all the windows, shut off the car restart it and open all the windows again. For some unknown reason, you would simply do this without question.

4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5) Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought "Car 95" or "Car NT", but then you would also have to buy more seats.

6) The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size butt.

7) You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

8) The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single "Unidentified System Error" light.

9) The air bag would ask your freshly mangled body "are you sure" before going off.

10) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back in until you simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.

11) The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car.

12) Buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, despite the fact that you neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause your cars performance to diminish by 50% or more.

13) Every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the old controls would function in the new car.

14) Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable and easier to maintain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads."

[kronckew]

I have a pair of Greyhounds named Blue & Millie & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Tesco's for them and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no,
I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't
because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming
out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been
sitting in the street licking my crotch and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. :D

[nippauls]

Great one Kronckew :D :D :D

I miss the dry, British humour... not a lot of it here in Italy

[kronckew]

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy . . . oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

[nippauls]

A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, day ye hiv ony books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
glasses, and says, "F*** off, ye'll no bring it back!"

[hayc59]

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy . . . oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Now that is very very funny

[jjthomas]

why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh sh*t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

:lol: OMG LMAO, crying.

When I was a teenager I had come home slightly intoxicated. I was proud that I had remembered to lift the door so it didn't squeak when I ever so carefully opened it. I took my shoes off, remembered where all the furniture was, thus avoiding tripping over the several booby-traps placed for my late night arrival. I made it from the front of the house all the way to the back of the house to where the stairs were located that led down to my bedroom. As with the front door, I lifted up the basement door so it didn't squeak (parents bedroom was on the other side of the wall). I took one step and there was a loud M-E-E-O-O-W!!!, followed by loud barking. As I laid at the bottom of the steps, having fallen down the flight of stairs, a loud booming voice from above demanded to know what the h*ll was going on.

Apparently my sneaking around, while successful in not, initially, waking up my parents; had failed to take into account that my unannounced presence would startle the animals that made their residence at the top of the stairs leading to my bedroom.

-JJ

[Arctos]

A couple of blond jokes with a difference...

Bloke gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a stunning blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The bloke is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"

__________________________________


A Blonde that is not so dumb!

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight from L.A. To New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines And rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists. He explains how the game works. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice versa." Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "If you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

The blonde figures there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, so she agrees. The lawyer asks, "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"

The blonde reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer Then she asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer is puzzled. He uses his laptop to search for references. He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the Net and he Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends emails to his coworkers and Friends. No luck. After an hour, he gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500 The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is going nuts trying to figure it out, wakes the blonde and asks,"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[nippauls]

http://www.85qm.de/up/BigRedButton.swf

:D

[kronckew]

y'all may have figured out i have been a bachelor for many years now after having seperated from my wife.

one of my neighbors was telling me over christmas that i need to get married again.

"Mr Kroncke, don't let it get too late. I know exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the neighbor.

"Don't bother," i said, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs."

"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife in the bedroom."

"I said 'two sisters'... I didn't say they were mine http://forum.ramanon.com/images/smilies/smile.gif

[nippauls]

:d :d :d

[Manny Carvalho]

Ah, the life of the bachelor!

[nippauls]

Yes, it's a fantastic life.... by my sisters are twins :p

[nippauls]

Just bought a new set of ski poles..... these are the care instructions which made me smile:

Dry and clean your poles after using them
Always store your poles upright and unlocked
Never use lubricants on or in the shaft
For an optimum function of yur pole KOMPERDELL recommends to change expanding nuts of your pole once a year (at your dealer)

:eek:

[nippauls]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "**** it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[nippauls]

A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"

[nippauls]

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.

[nippauls]

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the ***** in the kitchen."

[nippauls]

A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."

[nippauls]

I love this one :D

This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.

I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.

[nippauls]

Think about this one:

A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals."
The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon."

Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, "Mom should I tell him?"

Subtle :D

[nippauls]

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in ***."

[nippauls]

A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

[nippauls]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ***!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

[nippauls]

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

[nippauls]

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi... where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the lawyer. "I turned to God for the answer," replied the rabbi.

"And what did he say?"

He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

[nippauls]

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress. "

He did this carefully.

"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter."

He silently obeyed her.

"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties. "

As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

[nippauls]

The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

[nippauls]

Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

-- Sauce unknown

[nippauls]

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

[nippauls]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"

[nippauls]

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have *** with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

[nippauls]

John and his wife Mary were having a shower together in their upstairs bathroom when the doorbell rang. Mary heard the bell, got out of the shower, wrapped a towel around her, went downstairs, and opened the door.

Their neighbor Charlie looked at her from the doorway, and said, "Oh. I see that I got you out of the shower. Sorry about that."

"That's all right," Mary said, "What do you want?"

Not too much... my goodness you have beautiful skin. It's so pink from the shower. Mary, if I was to give you a hundred dollars, would you remove the towel from your upper body?"

Mary thought about it for a minute, figured why not, for a hundred bucks, and removed the towel from her *******.

"Wow," Charlie exclaimed, "they are truly beautiful. Listen, for another hundred bucks would you consider taking the towel all the way off?"

"Why not," Mary thought, "that's a lot of money," and she dropped the towel completely to the floor.

Charlie had a good look, complimented her again on her fine looking body, reached into his pocket, took out two hundred dollars, gave it to her, and left.

As she got back up stairs and was getting back into the shower, John asked her who was at the door.

"Just Charlie," she said, as she started to rub his back.

"Charlie Eh," said John, "Did he give you the two hundred dollars he owed me?"

[nippauls]

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain. As it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him. As a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had ***. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and she asked how the party was. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a really good time!"

[nippauls]

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving, had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as stinky as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner-the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!"

To his shock and horror, there were 12 dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.