Jokes Galleria!!!

[Arctos]

Thanks for those nippauls, they have brightened up my some what dull day... :D

[nippauls]

Always a pleasure! :D

[nippauls]

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

[nippauls]

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"

They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"

[nippauls]

Dangerous Food
===============

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material
we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode
your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused
by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we
all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it
is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after
eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front
row raised his hand, and softly said,

"Wedding Cake."

[nippauls]

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"

9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

12. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

13. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

14. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

15. User Error: Replace user.

16. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

17. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

[nippauls]

The following is an excerpt from the Wall Street Journal by Jim Carlton.

This was forwarded by P. Wyatt .

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key," "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.
After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem,
it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into
the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes.
A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed
copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold
on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room
to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a
Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me
a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead
was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for
me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water
and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing
them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad" and "invalid."
The tech explained that the computer's bad and invalid
responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged
in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.
Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing
Happens." The "pedal" turned out to be the computer's
mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked
what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire Sys Op:

Tech support: Hello, this is Tech Support.

Caller: Is this tech support?

Tech support: Yes, it is. How may I help you?

Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting
that fixed?

Tech Support: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?

Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.

Tech Support: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of
a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?

Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has "4X" on it.

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

[nippauls]

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.

As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS."

It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."

[nippauls]

There were two factories in New York City. One of them made maternity frocks for expectant mothers, so they were called the "Mother Frockers".

The factory across the street made corks for wine bottles. They had to soak the corks before they could put them into the bottles, so they were called the "Cork Soakers".

One day a Cork Soaker didn't soak a cork long enough and it flew out of one of the bottles and hit one of the Mother Frockers in the eye.

That made all the Mother Frockers mad at the Cork Soakers, so they went outside and had the biggest Mother-Frocking Cork Soaking fight you ever saw...

[nippauls]

Hi Arctos,
scroll down and you'll see I posted that one here a week ago so I guess it was "stolen" from here :) :D :D
nippauls

[nippauls]

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing.

The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.

"That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.

"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog.

Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.

"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."

"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."

[nippauls]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It **** near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a p*nis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."

[nippauls]

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

[nippauls]

A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door. "Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture.
Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"
"You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied. "Oh yes," said the young man, "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it."
"Well, help yourself," said the farmer. He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.
The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up.
"Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fence row.
I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"
"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer. Again,the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey.
Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.
The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house.
"Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussywillow down by the creek."
The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you!"

[nippauls]

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

[nippauls]

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The veterinarian told the lady if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she could go to the store for 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month. The lady goes to the drugstore and gets some Nair.
At the register, the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady responds: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady answers: "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says: "In that case, stay off your bicycle for a week."

[nippauls]

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

[nippauls]

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal:
"Change your course ten degrees east."
The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degres west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

[nippauls]

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in
the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The
bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's
too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the
Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being
cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we
can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss
the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

[nippauls]

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times, I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

[nippauls]

Tried in a hostile town, a guy didn't think he had a chance of getting off a murder charge, so shortly before the jury retired he bribed one of the jurors to find him guilty of the lesser crime of manslaughter.

The jury was out for over three days before eventually returning a verdict of manslaughter. The relieved defendant collared the bribed juror and said: "Thanks. How ever did you manage it?"

"It wasn't easy," admitted the juror. "All the others wanted to acquit you."

[nippauls]

When the Ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO *** on this trip! All of you males take off your p***s and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your p***s back."

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet."
"Darn it!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?"

"LOOK!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper...
"I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"

[nippauls]

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the city’s stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, “How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy.”

He bought the “picture,” but on the way home remembered that his wife, Lizzy, didn’t much like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

The man’s many trips to the barn began to draw Lizzy’s suspicion. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, “So that’s the ugly ***** he’s runnin’ around with.”

[nippauls]

Wisdom and Questions

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
It there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go "to get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas stations bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

[nippauls]

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

***: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

[nippauls]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom so long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer. If, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed. The question was, "What do women really want?"

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. Arthur returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people told him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived, and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. The witch was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, she had only one tooth, she smelled like sewage water, and she often made obscene noises. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: "What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life."

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she had been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which, she asked, would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question. Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day, he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, he would be with an old spooky witch. Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.

...

Noble Gawain replied that he would let the witch choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is he moral of this story? The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly; underneath it all, she's still a witch.

[nippauls]

It seems God noticed Adam was despondent. So the Lord God said, "Adam, come over here and sit down!". And Adam did so.

"Adam," spoke the Creator, "I see your countenance is fallen and you seem to feel rotten and lonely." Adam said nothing in
response. "So," continued the Lord, "I am going to create an alternate person who will be with you!" Adam just looked puzzled but interested. "This person," said the Lord, "will take all the raw and tasteless food that you are currently ruining and will prepare wonderful, spicy, and tasty dishes."
Adam looked grateful. "This person, "said the Lord, "will be beautiful to behold and graceful and interesting to watch as she walks." Adam looked thoughtful. "This person, "emphasized the Lord,"will be able to satisfy all those dreams that you currently are having!" Adam really looked believed. "And, lastly," said the Lord, "She will obey your every whim and desire and order with cheerfulness." Adam was really impressed and finally spoke.

"O.K., Lord, but what is this going to cost me?" "An arm and a leg," said the Almighty.

"Well," Adam then said, "What can I get for a rib?"

[Arctos]

Hi Arctos,
scroll down and you'll see I posted that one here a week ago so I guess it was "stolen" from here :) :D :D
nippauls

Whoops! I knew I got it from somewhere. Sorry about that I will get a moderator to remove it... :o

[nippauls]

Arctos, don't get it removed, just have a glass of this stuff:

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings... It's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No....."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"

[nippauls]

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passers-by would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'"

[nippauls]

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's *** I've ever seen."

A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to
him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush
appeared on the television. "She's a horse's *** too," the man.

This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up,
walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.

"**** it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be
Bush country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

[nippauls]

After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, Tony replied, "That's me before the operation."

[nippauls]

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.

The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy replied "Yeah, I bet you are wearing contact lenses."

Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"

The guy burst out laughing and said you can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!

[nippauls]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[chrisclu]

hilarious:D

[nippauls]

A police detective was investigating a homicide. As he questioned the on-scene officer, he learned the body was that of a young woman. The body was found with a bowl over her head and a spoon stuck in her back.

The on-scene officer asked what the detective thought had happened to the woman.

The detective responded, "I think it's obvious. A cereal killer got her!"

[nippauls]

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"

[nippauls]

Thanks Chris! :D

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

[nippauls]

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's ***?"

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

[nippauls]

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He got out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.

"Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."

"Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."

[nippauls]

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

[nippauls]

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says "You must be a manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

[nippauls]

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey... "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise!"

[nippauls]

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.

And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?"

Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in.

When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said.

Bush replied, "Well heck, I don't know."

St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?"

Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?"

St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."

[FirePost]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
Apparently the CIA is working cooperatively with the FBI and borrowing their methods to hire agents.

[nippauls]

Ahhhh, it was a long time, and many jokes ago.... I usually manage not to repeat but I overlooked that one... sorry Chris, credit to you for the original :D

[FirePost]

George Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died... Bush looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven,
Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?"

St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."

Ahhhh, it was a long time, and many jokes ago.... I usually manage not to repeat but I overlooked that one... sorry Chris, credit to you for the original :DIt is interesting to see how things change from site to site. The core of a joke remains the same but the delivery varies. The next time we see the agent joke it will the NSA or something.

[Manny Carvalho]

Ahhhh, it was a long time, and many jokes ago.... I usually manage not to repeat but I overlooked that one... sorry Chris, credit to you for the original :DI don't know how you come up with all of these but they are entertaining. I've had a couple of good laughs. Thanks.

[nippauls]

To help you forget your every day problems and read how others put their thoughts into words, these are genuine clips from council complaint letters.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his **** wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2

[FadeToBlack]

Nice ones :).

[Rickster100]

I don't know how you come up with all of these but they are entertaining. I've had a couple of good laughs. Thanks.

Yes, Paul actually does have a sense of humour on the Outpost Forum after all, contrary to popular belief!!!! :p :p :D

Cheers!!! :thumb:

Richie

[nippauls]

Typical Brit sense of humour.... trouble is not everybody has one :D

[kronckew]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St.Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder:could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out',; and he leaves. the couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed; the couple was still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work'? they wondered, 'Are we stuck together FOREVER?'. After yet another month, St . Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes', ; he informs the couple, 'you CAN get married in Heaven'. 'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven'? St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong'? asked the frightened couple. 'OH, COME ON'! St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it's going to take me to find a LAWYER'? :lol:

[nippauls]

Excellent! I've translated it into Italian... it's going down well here :D

[itsmelisa]

A boy says to his father:

"Dad, how much does it cost to get married?
I don't know my son, I am still paying!"


----------
- Lisa

[itsmelisa]

A very old lady teacher of English ask this question with the class:

When I say "I am beautiful", which tense is it?

One pupil anwers: It's the past of course.


----------
- Lisa

[kronckew]

In 1987, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1987, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.


Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Probably wasn't the same elephant. :evil:

[chrisclu]

I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my Golden Retriever at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no. I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's *** and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

[kronckew]

I was buying a large bag of Purina dog ...


see post no. 717 (http://outpostfirewall.com/forum/showpost.php?p=142171&postcount=717) :D

[chrisclu]

sorry. Just got it as an email. Never saw it here Like that won better :D

[nippauls]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson fielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold!"


A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my gloves." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the Confession booth and he closes the door.


The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now

[Rickster100]

Nice one!!! :) :) :D :D :D

[nippauls]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws

[itsmelisa]

There's this man and his travelling across the desert, and he suddenly finds he hasn't got any water left. So his starting to get worried, and his very thirsty, but luckily, a man comes towards him on a camel.
So he said to the man, ' I'm thirsty. Have you got any water?' and the other man says, ' No, I haven't, but I've got a wonderful selection of ties. Would you like to by one?'So the other man says, 'No , of course not!' and man rides away on his camel.
After about another hour or two, he's desperately thirsty and he sees a beautiful 5-star hotel. So he slowly goes up the steps, crying ' water! water!' and the hotel manager says, "I'm sorry, sir. You can't come in here without tie."


----------
- Lisa

[nippauls]

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loves to charge around
the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum
speed on the long corridors. Because she and her fellow residents are
All One sandwich short of a picnic, they tolerate each other.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Mad
Mike Stepped out of his room with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he said
in a firm voice. "Have you got a licence for that thing?" Ethel fished
Around in Her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to
him. "OK" he said, away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird William
popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of
Insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer mat and held
it up to Him. William nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Bonkers Brian
stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable (for
his Age) *****ion in his hand. "Oh, no!" said Ethel, "Not the
breathalyser again!"

[itsmelisa]

A young man was watching football. He noticed an empty seat in front of him. It was a better seat than his. At half-time he went down to the empty seat. He asked the old man sitting next to the empty one is it ok if i sit here?
No problem, said the old man. It was my wife’s seat, but she’s dead. We’ve been to every home match together for 40 years, and always had these two seats.
A tear rolled down the old man’s cheek.
Don’t you have a friend, or someone from your family, who’d come with you? The young man asked, gently.
The old man wiped his eyes and said yes, but not today. They are all at my wife’s funeral.


----------
- Lisa

Only The Best Funny Jokes:

[kronckew]

lest we forget
byte july 1980
http://i153.photobucket.com/albums/s231/kronckew/byte.jpg

[Manny Carvalho]

This is a bit like the first US transcontinental long distance call in January 1915 made by Dr. Bell and the famous Watson, showcased at the World's Fair. At that time, when somebody wanted to call say California from New York the system could only handle that one call and took over 20 minutes to set up. Meaning that one person tied up several million dollars worth of equipment. The rate was around 21 dollars for the first three minutes and about 7 per minute afterward. That's a hunk of change in 1915.

[nippauls]

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!"

St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.

After investigating, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that there is no mistake my son...

We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and according to that, you're at least 108 years old!"

[nippauls]

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied... "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

[nippauls]

A broken arrow for Manny, hope you have a laugh :D

Subject: Fwd: MEMO TO G/FRIENDS & WIVES: DO NOT TAKE MEN SHOPPING WITHYOU

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
boyfriend along shopping. This letter was recently sent by Tesco's
Head Office to a customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty
Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and
your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our
surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine
products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
"Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
told
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas
stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him,
he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the anti-depressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled
"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices
again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours sincerely

Charles Brown
Store Manager

[kronckew]

well, i'm just glad i'm not the only one who does that. :D

[nippauls]

I must admit to having done 5 of those things :D
I'll try the other 5 this week:eek:

[nippauls]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other of the after life. Their biggest fear was that there was no
after life.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word
he made contact, "Mary. Mary."

"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have ***, I have breakfast, off to the
golf course, I have ***, I bathe in the sun, and then I have *** twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then *** pretty much
all afternoon.

After supper, golf course again. Then have *** until late at night. The
next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."

[nippauls]

For valentines day I bought my wife a new bag and a belt, now the vacuum cleaner works a treat.

[Arctos]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for ******. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that ****** will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and ****** today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Manny Carvalho]

An obvious extension of the get 'er done principle.

[kronckew]

...
Pfizer Corp. announced today that ****** will soon be available in liquid form...

Baby ******? (linky) (http://uk.news.yahoo.com/16022007/397/******-saves-premature-baby-0.html)

[nippauls]

The Tiger

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to
consummate Their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I

have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed
with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and
get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a
second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what
are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room
service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again.."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one
more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the
phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this
**** hole."

[nippauls]

American IQ - Click here (http://www.zortal.gr/modules/mylinks/visit.php?cid=8&lid=6175)

[kronckew]

i might agree with the one who said we should invade italy. at least the food would be good. - what part of italy are you from, nippauls, i'll see if we can hit there first, warm up the pizza oven & get in a few bottles of grappa, see y'all soon. :D

[nippauls]

Wayne, I'm a Brit! :D
I live in the middle of Valpolicella, famous for it's wine :p, near Verona and Venice and Milan and Bologna.
I am personally treading the grapes for you now... :D
Paul

[kronckew]

Wayne, I'm a Brit! :D
I live in the middle of Valpolicella, famous for it's wine :p, near Verona and Venice and Milan and Bologna.
I am personally treading the grapes for you now... :D
Paul

i've got some friends who live just outside of rome in the etruscan area, little place called velletri (spelling?), they own a vineyard & supply table wine to the local restaurants. they use an electric press & stainless tanks, but their granny complains it doesn't taste the same.

they have a small two room hunting lodge up in the mountains amidst some of the remoter vineyards, we went up there with them and sat around the fire roasting home-made wild boar sausages and drinking grappa. at least thats what they tell me i was doing with my friends dad, he's a retired italian army colonel & speaks no english, i'm an ex USCG commander and speak no italian. they tell me we both spent the nite telling each other war stories and got along famously. neither of us remember anything but the immense hangover the next day.

p.s. - for those who do not know, grappa is a distilled whiskey made from the wine that's too bad to drink on it's own, and is about 180 proof, i have no idea what it tastes like as it burns all the way down and tasting while it does that is not possible. it's best when it's aged at least 15 minutes. the colonel had shot the wild boar himself, and made the sausages too. their prosciutto was tasty.....

[nippauls]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:



Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number Two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

[kronckew]

A gift for that 'special' neighbor:

http://www.mikesgarden.co.uk/autumnimages/pic16512.jpg

[Arctos]

An Australian ventriloquist was having a holiday in New Zealand. He was walking along a quiet country road when he came across a nice little farm. The farmer was out near the gate, so the ventriloquist decided to have a little fun with him.

"Hello there," he said. "Do you mind if I talk to your horse?"

"Bloody stupid Aussie, horses don't talk," the farmer replied. "Still, it's your time you're wasting."

"Hey there, horse, how are you?" asked the ventriloquist. The horse (naturally) replied "Pretty good, thanks". The farmer's jaw dropped.

"How does the farmer treat you?"

"All right, you know. I've got a nice barn, good hay, all in all it's a pretty good life," the horse responded. The farmer by now is totally gobsmacked.

"Can I talk to your dog?" the ventriloquist asked the farmer. All the farmer can do is nod, as his jaw is still somewhere near his belly button.

"Hey, dog, how are you?"

"I'm fine, thanks," said the dog. The farmer is close to fainting.

"How does the farmer treat you?"

"Not too bad, I don't have to do much work, my kennel is cosy, and there's plenty to eat," replied the dog.

The ventriloquist then turns to the farmer and asks "Can I have a word with your sheep?"

"No way," the farmer replies. "The sheep are bloody liars."

[kronckew]

http://kecy.roumen.cz/older/paradisehell.jpg

[Rickster100]

LOYAL WIFE

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. Her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?""I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

[kronckew]

Here are a few things to think about:
===========================


Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

[i am new here]

yeah!

[kronckew]

One day I saw a wonderful old gal sitting on her front step. Her face was wrinkled like a prune, she was so stooped she was almost folded in half, and her gnarled fingers could hardly grasp the glass of iced tea she was holding. But she had such a wide, toothless grin on her face that she positively spread cheer.

So I walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret for such a long, happy life?"

"I smoke ten stogies a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. All my life I've eaten only junk food and I put away at least a fifth of Jack Daniels every week. On weekends I pop pills, and never do any exercise at all."

Absolutely, absolutely amazing, I thought, and I just couldn't help but to ask her, "Wow! How old are you, anyway?"

She didn't hesitate at all. "Twenty-four," she replied.

[Arctos]

Did you hear of what happened to the three Indian squaws?

One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

[Manny Carvalho]

I'm sure Pythagorous' soul would be elevated by that one.

Love it!

[kronckew]

MY LIVING WILL


Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said
to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

She's such a wonderful person.....

[littlebigchief]

there were 3 stockbrokers sitting in a sauna when suddenly one of them puts his hand on his hip and says to the other two that he has a pager installed and that he has just been paged.

then the second one puts his hand to his ear and explains to the other two that he has a mobile fone installed in his hand and that he just recieved a call

then the third one just gets up and leaves the other two to go the loo. on his way back to the sauna they notice that he has tissue paper hanging of his butt, thats not tissue paper he says, i'm recieving a fax!

[littlebigchief]

a wife rejects her husbands advances in bed and says that she has a geanacologist appointment in the morning. the husband feeling rejected asks do you also have a dental appointment? she replies NO, then good that will do for now, he says

[kronckew]

http://icanhascheezburger.wordpress.com/files/2007/10/lolcat-funny-picture-moderator1.jpg

[kronckew]

http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b284/FatCatSkinnyDog/lolcats-funny-pictures-submissions.jpg

[sreeja]

This is a new information to me.

[sreeja]

It is really amazing.

[kronckew]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[chrisclu]

New from Apple !!

[chrisclu]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

[Arctos]

Ode to Alcohol

Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell you are I think,
I'm not under what they call
The alcofluence of incohol.
I'm not drunk as thinkle peep,
I'm just a little slort of sheep.
Tee martoonis make a guy
Fool so feelish, don't know why
Rally don't know who's me yet
The drunker I stay the longer I get
So just one more to full my cup,
I've all day sober to Sunday up

_________________

There once was a young Puritan man, who had a great deal of difficulty remembering the various rules of conduct in his community. He tried hard, but was constantly being ridiculed because of some breach of etiquette.

In desperation, he asked an older man to teach him proper manners. The task was formidable, and the older man's patience grew thin, as he had to repeatedly chastise the younger man for his awkward ways.

Finally, on the way into church one Sunday, the younger man started into the building ahead of the older man. He was firmly collared by his elder, who then allowed a lady to go in ahead of both of them.

The young man expressed his regret. The older, losing his temper, screamed, "Canst thou remember nothing? How much easier can it become?" Pointing out the woman who had just entered, he said, "It is I before Thee, except after She!"

[kronckew]

from another forum, had to share this one



IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.."

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.



IDIOT SIGHTING:

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingman , KS.



IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Kansas City.



IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded,

"That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham, Ala.



IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS.



IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.



IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.



IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi.

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE!

[przemek_z]

A wife is complaining on her husband :
- You're such an *******!
- Whatever you start you never finish!
- Whatever you try to do you fail!
- You're such an *******!
- If there is world championship in being an ******* you will be the second one!
- Why? - he replies
- Because you'ere such an *******!

[Arctos]

The Miracle of Toilet Paper


WOW! The censor certainly ripped the guts out of this one as well...

[kronckew]

Reuters News Agency: today

OBAMA/CLINTON Surprise move.
http://z.about.com/d/usliberals/1/0/1/2/ObamaHillaryWinMcNamee.jpg
Hillary Clinton in a surprise press conference announced to day that she was leaving her husband william and would be marrying sen. barrack o'bama as soon as they could get the paperwork through.

sen. o'bama commented that they had grown fonder of each other as the campaign progressed and they eventually succumbed to a physical relationship. their ex-spouses were not commenting.

they have decided that whichever one of them now gets elected, they will both still be able to live in the white house. they are expected to be married by rev. jeremiah wright in june at the trinity UCC in chicago, illinois.

judge marvin arrington of atlanta has declared he will sign the final decrees for both candidates in time for the wedding at which he has been invited to be the best man.

we needed something appropriate for today.

[kronckew]

inane jokes:

Skeleton walks into a bar he says, "I need a drink and a mop "

2 dyslexics walk into a bra...

The number 18 walks into the bar and orders a drink.
Bartender says, "I can't serve you, you're under 21"

2 yogurts walk into a bar. Bartender says, "I can't serve you"
Yogurts reply, "Why not we're cultured individuals."

A pirate walks into a bar
Bartender says, "Did you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
Pirate says, "Arrrr I know, it's driving me nuts."

A Hambuger walks into a bar and the bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food here"
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face?"
A toothless termite walks into a bar and says "is the bar tender here?"
A string walks into a bar and is told they don't serve string. He goes outside, doubles himself up and unravels one end. He goes back in and the bartender again says "aren't you that string that was here earlier?" His reply "Oh no no no, I'm a frayed knot"

A rabbit walks into a bar and says "Have you got any carrots?"
The bar tender tells him "No"
Ten minutes later the rabbit returns and says "Have you got any carrots?"
"No" replies the bartender.
Another ten minutes later, here comes the rabbit again!
"Have you got any carrots?"
This goes on all afternoon with the bartender getting increasingly annoyed.
"If you come in and ask me that again, I'm going to nail your fluffy tail to the bar!!"
Ten minutes later the rabbit reappears. "Have you got any nails?"
" No" replies the bartender confused.
"Good" says the rabbit ""Have you got any carrots?"

Why did the frog cross the road
He was stapled to the chicken

Two flys are hanging out on a wall

One fly says to the other fly

"Hey, your man is open"

[Arctos]

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And so they gained 10 kgs.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more kgs. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra kgs.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer kilojoules and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed, and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then Satan chuckled, and created the National Health Service.

[Minimax]

Very silent here.:rolleyes:


Supposedly the funniest joke in the world or at least in the UK:


Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"


My favorite:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

[hayc59]

April Fools

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?


Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.


Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.


Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.


Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.


Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago..


Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my Boobs.


Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!


Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
'Hell, no!!' He just yelled, 'April Fool!'
'And that's when I shot him, the little *******!!'

[Heyyou]

http://www.lego.com/build/brickbuilder/brickbuilder.asp

Who uses Lego any more? ;)

[Heyyou]

Points to ponder:
100,000 sperm and you were the winner.

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. :D

[kronckew]

How to tell you are drinking too much coffee
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You answer the door before people knock.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is in an earthquake.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
Your T-shirt says, "Decaf is the devil's coffee."
You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
All your kids are named "Joe."
You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet and Low."
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You've worn out the handles on your favorite mug.
You've built a miniature city out of plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
People can test their batteries in your ears.
When someone asks you," How are you?", you say," Good to the last drop."
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You speak perfect Arabic without even taking a lesson.
Your Thermos is on wheels.
You can outlast the Energizer Bunny.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
You think being called a drip is a compliment.
You don't tan, you roast.
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

[chrisclu]

Whoops, My cover is blown lol

[Manny Carvalho]

I'll drink to that!

[kronckew]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c256/fhp490/parrott.jpg


'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name Rottweiler Jesus.'
http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c256/fhp490/rottie.jpg

[kronckew]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'






On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

[W-XP]

Barack Obama -vs- An Intelligent Little Girl

Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to The Obama, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the Obama. "How about What Changes I Should Make To America?" and he smiles.

"OK," she says. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know ****?"

[W-XP]

Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it..

************ ********* *

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.

************ ********* *

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners

************ ********* *
If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of
the ocean and It started to sink, who would be saved? .... America!

************ ********* *
If Nancy Pelosi has her face lifted one more time she'll
have a beard!

************ ********* *

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.

[kronckew]

MY LIVING WILL


Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

[kronckew]

The Cowboy Boots
( Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet..

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,
'Why didn't you say so?', like she wanted to. Once again, she
struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little Feet.

No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years