Jokes Galleria!!! [Archive] - Outpost Users Support Forum

MegaHertz

09-30-2002, 07:42 AM

OK. Pay close attention. Here is a very simple little test comprised of four easy questions to determine the level of your intellect. See if you have what it takes to be considered "smart."

Your replies must be spontaneous and immediate, with no deliberating or wasting of time. And no cheating!

On your mark, get set, go...

1: You are competing in a race and overtake the runner in second place. In which position are you now?

Answer: If you answered that you're now in first, you're wrong! You overtook the second runner and took his place, therefore you are now in second place. For the next question try not to be so dim.

2: If you overtake the last runner, what position are you now in?

Answer: If you answered second to last, you are wrong once again. Think about it... How can you overtake the person who is last? If you're behind them, they can't be last. You would have been last. It would appear that thinking is not one of your strong points.

Anyway, here's another question to try. Don't take any notes or use a calculator, and remember, your replies must be instantaneous.

3: Take 1000. Add 40. Add another 1000. Add 30. 1000 again. Plus 20. Plus 1000. and plus 10. What is the total?

Answer: 5000? Wrong again! The correct answer is 4100. Try again with good calculator. Today is clearly not your day, although you should manage to get the last question right...

4: Marie's father has five daughters:
1. Chacha
2. Cheche
3. Chichi
4. Chocho
5. ????
Question: What is the fifth daughter's name? Think quickly...you'll find the answer below....

Answer: Chuchu? WRONG! It's obviously Marie! Read the question properly.

You are clearly the weakest link.

grey ghost

09-30-2002, 10:11 AM

Hi MegaHertz

Nice Mensa test. :)

I am to embarrassed to give my score.

Regards

MegaHertz

09-30-2002, 10:17 AM

Don't fear you are not alone! My score was rather embarassing as well.

I almost included a poll with it so people could provide their results, but after completeing it myself decided against it.

Danil

10-01-2002, 01:21 AM

I failed all :p :p :p

kazzi

10-01-2002, 07:26 AM

Hey, nice brain straining, headache incurring weakest link MegaHertz.

I got sent this the other day. I defy anyone to dispute this.

AT LAST AN EXPLANATION..........

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a
banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a
monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As
soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with very
cold high-pressure water. After a while, another monkey makes an
attempt with the same result -- all the other monkeys are sprayed with
cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the
stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and
replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to
climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys
attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he
tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another
of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The
newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer
takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm!

Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a
fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the
stairs, he is attacked. None of the monkeys that are beating him have
any idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they
are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing
all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been
sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches
the stairs to try for the banana. Why not?

Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around
here. And that, my friends, is how company policy begins. :D

MegaHertz

10-01-2002, 07:32 AM

LOL...That sounds just like my time in the Air Force! Eight years of "...because that's the way we do it around here!"

MegaHertz

10-01-2002, 01:15 PM

THE TOUGHEST DECISION: SHOULD MY LOVED ONE BE PLACED IN AN ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY?
For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful decision they will face: to accept that a loved one - a parent, a spouse, perhaps a sibling - is technologically impaired and should no longer be allowed to live independently, or come near a computer or electronic device without direct supervision. The time has come to place that loved one into the care of an Assisted Computing Facility. But you have questions. So many questions. We at Silicon Pines want to help.

WHAT EXACTLY IS AN “ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY”?
Sometimes referred to as “Homes for the Technologically Infirm”, ”Technical Invalid Care Centers,” or “Homes for the Technically Challenged,” Assisted Computing Facilities (ACFs) are modeled on assisted living facilities, and provide a safe, structured residential environment for those unable to handle even the most common, everyday multi-tasks. Most fully accredited ACFs, like Silicon Pines, are an oasis of hope and encouragement that allow residents to lead productive, technologically relevant lives without the fear and anxiety associated with actually having to understand or execute the technologies themselves.

WHO SHOULD BE IN AN ACF?
Sadly, technology is advancing at such a dramatic rate that many millions, of all ages, will never truly be able to understand it, putting an undue burden on those friends and family members who must explain it to them. But unless the loved one is suffering from a truly debilitating affliction, such as Reinstallzheimers, the decision to commit is entirely personal. You must ask yourself: “How frustrated am I that my parent/sibling/spouse is unable to open an e-mail attachment?” “How much of my time should be taken up explaining how RAM is different from hard drive memory?” “How many times can I bear to hear my dad say, ‘Hey, can I replace the motherboard with a fatherboard? Ha ha ha!’” To make things easier, we have prepared a list of Warning Signs which we encourage you to return to often, or, if you can’t figure out how to bookmark it, print out. Also, please take a moment to read “I’m Glad I’m in Here! – A Resident’s Story.”

MUST IT BE FAMILY, OR CAN I PLACE ANYONE IN AN ACF?
Several corporations have sought permission to have certain employees, or at times entire sales departments, committed to ACFs. At present, however, individuals can be committed only by direct family or self-internment. The reason is simple: there are not nearly enough ACFs in the world to accommodate all the technologically challenged. For example, there are currently only 860,000 beds available in ACFs, but there are 29 million AOL users. HOW MUCH WILL IT COST? ACF rents range from free up to $12,500 per month. The disparity is currently a point of contention in the ACF industry. Many residents are covered through government programs such as Compucaid or Compucare, but reimbursement rates are low and only cover a portion of the fees. Exacerbating the situation are the HMOs (Helpdesk Maintenance Organizations), which often deny coverage, forcing residents to pay out of pocket or turn to expensive private techcare insurers such as BlueCache/BlueScreen. Offsetting the costs are technology companies themselves, many of which subsidize ACFs. Firms such as Microsoft, Dell, Qualcomm, and America Online will pay up to 100 percent of a resident’s monthly bill, but there is a catch. ISPs, for instance, require residents to sign service contracts lasting a year or more. Microsoft, meanwhile, prohibits the installation of any competitive software, while Priceline requires that residents buy shares of its stock, which seems onerous but saves residents on lavatory tissue.

HOW OLD MUST I BE TO HAVE SOMEONE COMMITTED?
Until very recently, you had to be 18 or older to legally commit a family member. However, the now famous British court case Frazier vs. Frazier and Frazier has cleared the way for minors to commit their parents. In that case, 15-year-old Bradley Frazier of Leicester had his 37-year-old parents committed to an ACF in Bournemouth after a judge ruled Ian and Janet Frazier were a “danger to themselves and the community.” According to court records, Bradley told his parents about the I LoveYou virus and warned them not to click attachments, then the next day his parents received an I LoveYou email and clicked on the attachment because, they explained, “it came from someone we know.”

WHAT SHOULD I LOOK FOR IN AN ACF?
First, make sure it’s a genuine Assisted Computing Facility, and not an Assisted Living Facility. To tell the difference, observe the residents. If they look rather old and tend to openly discuss bowel movements, this is probably ‘assisted living.’ On the other hand, if they vary in age and say things like, “I’m supposed to figure that out? I’m not Bill goddamned Gates you know!” this is probably ‘assisted computing.’ Also, at a well-run ACF, residents should lead full, independent lives, and should be allowed the use of many technology devices, including telephones, electric toothbrushes, and alarm clocks. However, only a facility’s Licensed
Techcare Professionals (LTPs) should perform computational or technological tasks such as installing programs or saving email attachments. And LTPs should NEVER answer residents’ questions because studies have shown that answering user questions inevitably makes things worse. Instead, residents should simply have things done for them, relieving them of the pressure to “learn” or “improve.”

CAN A RESIDENT EVER GET OUT?
No.
OK, THIS SOUNDS PROMISING. HOW CAN I LEARN MORE?
For your enlightenment, we offer extensive information on Silicon Pines and the ACF lifestyle, which can be found by clicking one of the links in the navigation bars found at both the top and bottom of this page. But whatever you decide, keep in mind that due to demand, ACFs now have long waiting lists. WebTV & AOL users alone will take years to absorb. We look forward to your response. Thank you.

David

10-01-2002, 02:54 PM

Thanks Kazzi.....That was a good one. Additionally, that case seems very accurate at times. :) I have copied it and sent it to a couple of friends and relatives. Thanks again. :D

hayc59

11-20-2002, 02:37 PM

oh yea!!!:D :D

Lithp

11-20-2002, 04:39 PM

What?? No Canadian beer??

hayc59

11-22-2002, 06:46 PM

http://anomalies-unlimited.com/Jackson.html

Boy Oh Boy;)

kazzi

11-22-2002, 09:25 PM

Hey, real neat.

This could be the evidence finally needed to certify him as insane. The next question is - should he be allowed to have unsupervised contact with his kids? :D

root

11-23-2002, 02:48 AM

Personally, I don't think he should be in the presence of a human being, without supervision and restraints.
That's one sick puppy. :rolleyes:

Meehowski

11-23-2002, 03:50 AM

Oh my....time to watch re-runs of The Jackson Five!!!

MegaHertz

11-27-2002, 11:52 AM

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one!!!)

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST:
When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

hayc59

11-27-2002, 01:34 PM

:D :D :D Very Clever.....:p

MegaHertz

11-28-2002, 07:57 AM

Here (http://www.burnoutpc.com/index.php?page=reviews&review_id=123) is a guy with a lot!

root

11-28-2002, 12:25 PM

Creative genius at work. I like it!

hayc59

12-03-2002, 02:54 PM

Game (http://www.jackasses-anonymous.net/flash/jackson_baby_drop.swf)

:D :p :D

MegaHertz

12-03-2002, 06:13 PM

LMAO!!! Good one hayc59.

MegaHertz

12-04-2002, 12:20 PM

We take you now to the Oval Office.

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

hayc59

12-04-2002, 12:39 PM

:D :D :D very good! thanks for the laugh.....;)

David

12-04-2002, 03:37 PM

Hi hayc59,

Pretty funny. I forwarded it to a couple of friends. :)

David

12-04-2002, 03:38 PM

Hi hayc59,

That was pretty funny. I think I will copy the text and forward that to a few friends also. :D

Meehowski

12-04-2002, 11:16 PM

This wiil keep me busy ALL day!! :cool:

kazzi

12-07-2002, 01:07 AM

Hey,

Well, I don't know about you but I certainly appreciate being able to type in English. One simple word in English can take up almost 12,000 pages in Iraq. Boy, their forums must be huge! :D

RISC OS

12-07-2002, 04:43 AM

I think I'm missing something.:(

What's this about? What word?

hayc59

12-07-2002, 05:28 AM

i think what he means is...good morning, in english is a two word sentence...
but in Irag's language(good morning) it would be like fifty word sentence!!!
very long winded group of people......:p

RISC OS

12-07-2002, 05:30 AM

Thanks ;)

I see you've modified your picture for Christmas! I may put a little hat on my acorn :)

MegaHertz

12-07-2002, 05:48 AM

Originally posted by RISC OS
I see you've modified your picture for Christmas! I may put a little hat on my acorn :)
That would be very cool! :D

chrisclu

12-07-2002, 06:10 AM

Just pretend my cup has eggnog in it:)
That's not steam, its brandy fumes;0

kazzi

12-07-2002, 06:21 AM

Hey

Get with it - have another coffee.

I'm talking about the report to the UN.
We all know the question posed to Iraq - have you any weapons etc. The worldwide media state the reply is 'none' but Iraq has presented this reply in a novel which makes war and peace look like readers digest. :D :D :D :D :D

MegaHertz

12-07-2002, 06:22 AM

"Your Fly Is Open"

20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY
TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...

1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts

MegaHertz

12-07-2002, 06:32 AM

chris found you another cup :D

RISC OS

12-07-2002, 07:11 AM

I see K.

Well since US and UK supplied Iraq with the weapons in the first place it seems stupid to have to ask!

Meehowski

12-07-2002, 07:14 AM

Very funny!

Have a good one!!!

MegaHertz

12-07-2002, 07:31 AM

Originally posted by RISC OS
I see K.

Well since US and UK supplied Iraq with the weapons in the first place it seems stupid to have to ask!
Yes it does :(.

kazzi

12-07-2002, 07:59 AM

Hey, neat coffee gif. As you can see I'm running a new one at present - thought I'd try it out. This dancing gif is definately not on coffee for sure. May go back to bee soon.
Then, after the novel is put on display to the world's press, Q8 is told 'sorry' for 10 yrs ago. Now I am definately missing something!

Got to dash, am working on how to afford to change a GPZ500S to a ZZR600 without sending the kids out to work. Later :D

MegaHertz

12-07-2002, 08:04 AM

Originally posted by kazzi
Got to dash, am working on how to afford to change a GPZ500S to a ZZR600 without sending the kids out to work. Later :D
LMAO good luck on that one. :D

BTW: I like your new gif. I think in his case it's more like speed. :)

RISC OS

12-07-2002, 09:00 AM

My avatar looks more festive ;)

I tried an animated version with snow falling but I didn't like it so I just settled for the hat :)

Kazzi, is that Michael Jackson?

RISC OS

12-07-2002, 09:07 AM

My avatar looks more festive ;)

I tried an animated version with snow falling but I didn't like it so I just settled for the hat :)

Kazzi, is that Michael Jackson?

RISC OS

12-07-2002, 09:09 AM

And now in a pile of snow

RISC OS

12-07-2002, 09:11 AM

hmm.... :mad: looks better without the snow heap :rolleyes:

hayc59

12-07-2002, 10:22 AM

RISC OS, looks very festive!! Merry Christmas

Jack Benny

12-07-2002, 10:44 AM

:D :D Those are great :D :D

MegaHertz

12-07-2002, 10:51 AM

I like it too. Looks very nice. Now you need to start working on his costumes for all the other holidays :D

KGIII

12-07-2002, 08:07 PM

Heh!

And now I remember why I was lurking ;)

:P

KGIII (I tell you I am lurking!)

kazzi

12-07-2002, 09:53 PM

Hey RISC OS

MJ? I have no idea. I got sent this along with some others that could only have been put on a XXX forum. I am working on a few myself though. :cool:

RISC OS

12-08-2002, 12:54 AM

Originally posted by hayc59
RISC OS, looks very festive!! Merry Christmas
Thanks Hayc59, you too.

MegaHertz
I like it too. Looks very nice. Now you need to start working on his costumes for all the other holidays

Easter will be easy, I'll turn it into a an egg ;)

KGIII, you haven't posted here for ages, did you try RISC OS? You still using Outpost?

bellgamin

12-08-2002, 08:16 PM

[Allegedly...]

Upon being told his fly was open, Sir Winston Chruchill replied, "The dead bird does not leave the nest."
~~~~~~~
Seriously though, folks...
In my youth, I sometimes noticed that old fellows often forget to zip-up their flys. Now that I am 72, I have discovered that forgetting to zip-up one's fly is not nearly so bad as forgetting to UNzip one's fly.
~~~~~~~
But seriously....
George Burns said: "*** after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill."

shaloha............bellgamin

hayc59

12-17-2002, 01:34 PM

The Song (http://www.toonedin.com/movies/WhiteTrashXmas.html)

this is very funny!! probably wont be here long so enjoy.
while you can;)

MegaHertz

12-17-2002, 02:19 PM

Rolling Õn The Floor £aughing My Ârse Õff

meneer

12-20-2002, 03:59 AM

Do you remember DrDos?

It's back (http://www.drdos.com/index.php) :D :cool:

hayc59

12-29-2002, 11:00 AM

Push Here!! (http://www.riversongs.com/Fla/newyrs.html)

enjoy cause its almost here....;)

Pokinpo

12-31-2002, 06:10 AM

Thread idea borrowed for 'Ferreter' in nix forum.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's what you do, give a one or two line impression of the person WHO LAST POSTED based on what they posted, avatar, signature....

Remember: Just have fun - no flames. :D :D :D

Acadia

12-31-2002, 01:52 PM

Originally posted by Pokinpo
give a one or two line impression of the person WHO LAST POSTED based on what they posted, avatar, signature....

Well, if I'm understanding you correctly, the information that everyone posts is hopefully (and I feel usually is) sincere and meant to be helpful. The avatars and signatures and pure ego, and I wish I knew more about using them and had the time to learn; my ego is dying for expression too! (Everyone have a wonderful and beautiful 2003).

Acadia

hayc59

01-02-2003, 08:13 AM

Acadia, my impression is that you are a guy in need of a sig and avatar!!lol they are quite easy to do and learn how, you got any questions feel free. they are also free all over the net!!(avatars):D

my impressions...for the day

MegaHertz

01-14-2003, 12:39 PM

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.

They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an A so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. Cool, they thought! All at the same time, each one in his separate room, thought, this is going to be easy. Each finished the lengthy problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:

For 95 points: Which tire?

hayc59

01-14-2003, 12:58 PM

:D :D :D

hayc59

01-14-2003, 01:01 PM

A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He does't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He frantically blurts out to the operator, "O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?"

The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead."

There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!

The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

MegaHertz

01-14-2003, 01:49 PM

;) True Story? ;)

MegaHertz

01-14-2003, 04:00 PM

At a recent computer exposition (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:"If General Motors had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating:"If General Motors had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:[list=1]
For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.[/list=1]

KGIII

01-14-2003, 04:52 PM

Nah, one voted the best joke of the millenium I believe ;)

*not dead*

KGIII

bellgamin

01-15-2003, 08:03 AM

:D :D :D Good schtick, mega!

MegaHertz

01-17-2003, 08:33 AM

Icon's Story (http://bbr.cellphoneusers.net/see.swf)

Aaronn

01-17-2003, 08:59 AM

brilliant !:p

hayc59

01-17-2003, 03:26 PM

The Interview (http://www.theinterviewwithgod.com/popup2.html)

chrisclu

01-17-2003, 04:18 PM

Luckily, Ive seen this before because I couldn't open it. Active content disabled by default;)
A hint for future posts like this. Let us know what needs to be enabled first.:)
It is a great interview with fantastic pictures though as I remember.
Chris

hayc59

01-17-2003, 06:06 PM

Thanks For The Great Info...:D

bellgamin

01-17-2003, 06:11 PM

Clicking the link took me to a different URL that is not one of my trusted sites. So I switched to Opera 7 beta2, which did a BSOD when I tried to switch to full screen while the movie was running.

Tried again -- successfully -- with 6.05. Switched to full screen BEFORE loading the movie this time. Full screen made no difference -- the movie remains the same size even on full screen.

Bee-yoo-tiful graphics! Thanks for posting the link.

It might be helpful with such links if some explanation were provided as to what is going to happen, & what, if any, active content-type stuff will execute.

Again -- magnificent graphics!

Peace to all...........bellgamin

MegaHertz

01-17-2003, 06:15 PM

Originally posted by bellgamin
I then tried it with Opera 7.0 & got BSOD. Not a happy experience. Of course, ver 7 IS still in beta so I probably shoulda been more careful.
That is strange I went there with Opera7 B2 and had no problem at all.

bellgamin

01-17-2003, 06:39 PM

Mega -- I modified my post after I re-tried with 6.05.

I'm pretty sure that hitting F11 [for full screen] just as ver 7 was starting to execute the movie was what caused the BSOD.

bellgamin

01-17-2003, 06:48 PM

FYI I tried the link with Phoenix & gave up the first time because I didn't realize the load was so big & [unlike Opera] Phoenix gave no visual clue that anything was happening.

After enjoying this movie on Opera 6.05, I gave Phoenix another try -- this time, giving it a chance to finish loading. It ran the movie beautifully but NO music. Too bad. It seems to be a VG browser otherwise. Then again it's only ver 0.5. I'm sure going to keep testing it as it develops.

mabuhay.....bell

hayc59

01-19-2003, 04:39 PM

if you have Active Content Enabled, you might want to dis-able it to watch!! Its kinda cool..

Push Here.. (http://www.divstivs.plus.com/iconwar/)

MegaHertz

01-19-2003, 04:43 PM

Also here (http://www.outpostfirewall.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&postid=43638#post43638).

hayc59

01-19-2003, 04:46 PM

sorry did not look...... :eek:

hayc59

01-20-2003, 07:52 AM

The wise old (Irish) Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The
nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her
some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass
back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received
as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount
into the warm milk. When she walked back at Mother Superior's bed, she held
the glass to her lips.

Mother drank a little of the milk mixed with Irish whiskey, then a little
more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last
drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom
before you die." She raised herself up in bed with a joyous look in her eyes
and said, "DON'T SELL THAT COW."
:D

chrisclu

01-20-2003, 08:48 AM

I guess I'll contribute, too. (Had to find a clean one :D)

Understanding Women

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.
The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. I can only grant one."
The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a
boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.
The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how
deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick."
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

MegaHertz

01-20-2003, 09:08 AM

So very true!

hayc59

01-20-2003, 09:13 AM

:D :D he,he

hayc59

01-20-2003, 09:16 AM

A bum, who'd obviously seen more than his share of hard times,
>>approached
>>a well-dressed man on the street. "Hey, Buddy.........can you spare two
>>dollars?"
>>The well-dressed man replied.......... "You're not going to spend it on
>>liquor are you?"
>>"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
>>"You're not going to throw it away on fishing gear, are you?".... the
>>gentleman asked
>>"No way!... I don't fish either!".....answered the bum.
>>"You wouldn't waste the money on a deer lease, would you?" asks the man.
>>
>>"Never!" says the bum, "I don't hunt!"
>> So the man asked the bum if he'd like to come home with him for a
>>home
>>cooked meal. The bum accepted eagerly. While they were heading for the
>>man's
>>house, the bum's curiosity got the better of him."Isn't your wife
>>going
>>to be upset when you bring a guy like me to your house for dinner?"
>> "Probably," said the man, "but it'll be **** well worth it. for her to
>>see what happens to a man that doesn't drink, fish or hunt"......................

MegaHertz

01-20-2003, 04:10 PM

Redmond, WA - Microsoft in a recent all cash deal has purchased evil from Satan for $2.7 billion. "We've been after Satan for some time," said CEO Steve Ballmer. "Negotiations were tough but I think both Microsoft and the Prince of Darkness are happy with this deal."

Before the purchase, Microsoft already had 15% of the evil market, now that number is closer to 100%. The Department of Justice has voiced concerns over one corporation controlling so much evil, and has begun investigations into the deal.

"We feel that there are real opportunities with evil, and that when evil is integrated it into our next generation of Windows products consumers will appreciate evil on their desktop," said Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates. "Businesses haven't been able to fully realize their evil potential. With evil integrated into Office 2001, corporations big and small will begin to see enhanced evil productivity."

"Evil is a real growing market," market strategist Frank Dresgan of Merrill Lynch said today. "Microsoft is a little late in the game, but even when they enter a market late they still tend to dominate. I think we'll see the same with evil."

"I've been dealing with Microsoft for some time,” Lucifer said. "I've been at this evil thing for millions of years, and wanted a way out. I considered an IPO, but then Steve-O and Billy came along and told me about their "Evil Everywhere" plan and that was an offer I couldn't refuse."

Evil was founded by Satan close to the beginning of time. It has been growing steadily ever since, although most of the growth has come in the past five years with the development of the internet. Satan plans to retire to a small island in the Bahamas and write a column for the local newspaper.

MegaHertz

01-20-2003, 04:32 PM

A pastor of a church had previously been a sailor. He was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts.

The first group was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendations.

The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: In order to get their attention you have to turn them on. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because: No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

hayc59

02-11-2003, 03:44 AM

Signs showing you might be from Canada...

You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK".

You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."

You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.

You drink Pop, not Soda.

You know that a Mickey and 2-4's mean, "party at the camp, eh!!!"

You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars and no Americans.

You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.

You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.

You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion, Michael J. Fox, John Candy, William Shatner, Tom Green, Matthew Perry, Mike Myers, Neve Campbell, Pamela Anderson Lee & many more, are Canadians.

You know that the CEO of American Airlines is a Canadian.

You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed".

Your local newspaper covers national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.

You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road work.

You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.

You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan".

You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.

You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.

"Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, "Huh?"

You say "aboot" instead of "about"

Your Beer Case handles Are Big Enough To Fit Your Mitts

When you own 5 pairs of hockey skates and only one pair of shoes.

You know that we don't all live in igloos and ride polar bears to work.

Every murder is reported.

You can understand Jean Chrétien (most of the time, anyway)

You froze your tongue to something metal and survived to tell about it.

You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all of your Canadian friends!!! And then you send them to your American friends just to confuse them... further!

:D :D :D :D

hayc59

02-20-2003, 03:26 PM

:D :D

hayc59

02-21-2003, 01:51 PM

Money.
It can buy a Bed, but not Sleep.
It can buy a Clock, but not Time.
It can buy you a Book, but not Knowledge.
It can buy you a Position, but not Respect.
It can buy you Medicine, but not Health.
It can buy you Blood, but not Life.
It can buy you ***, but not Love.

So you see, money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as a Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering.

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you. Cash is fine.
You know where I live

hayc59

02-21-2003, 01:51 PM

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to
your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America.......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America.......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America.......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

hayc59

02-21-2003, 01:52 PM

Your state motto:

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Just Leave Your
Money)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Indiana: Two Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunken Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To an
Attorney .....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The Fifty States!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oregon: Spotted Owl.. It's What's For Dinner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rhode Island: We're Not really An Island
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tennessee: The Educashun State
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Texas: Si' Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vermont: Yep
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men .... and the sheep are scared

kazzi

02-24-2003, 05:42 AM

Hey,

'bout time we had a laugh at Bush :D

http://www.dancingbush.com/

chrisclu

02-24-2003, 06:15 AM

Did you know that N. Dakota is the only state in the country that has never recorded an earthquake?
Chris

kazzi

02-26-2003, 11:11 AM

I am Spock of Borg. Living long is irrelevant. Prospering is irrelevant.

I am Baywatch, of Borg. Prepare to be ah . . . stimulated.

I am Tweety of Borg. I did! I did attimuwate a Puddy Tat!

McBorg's . Over 50 million assimilated.

I am Homer, of Borg. Resistance is ... Ooooh, DONUTS!

For assimilation, please press one. For further assimilation, please press two. To resist, please press zero now. (Presses zero) We're sorry, but resistance is futile.

I am Data of Borg. Resistance is futile, fruitless, abortive, useless, purposeless..

I am Porky, of Borg. You will be as-s-sim, as-s-sim, oh forget it.

I am Hugh, of Borg. We want to assimilate Troi. Georgi is our friend. He can watch.

Yoda, of Borg, am I. Futile is resistance. Assimilate you, I will.

I am Barney, of Borg. Being assimilated is fun.

I survived Borg assimilation and all I got was this stupid t-shirt.

I am Elvis, of Borg. Death is irrelevant.

I am Connery, of Borg. James Borg.

I am Ebola, of Borg: Vaccines are irrelevant. We are resistant. Prepare to be infected.

I am Wimpy, of Borg: I will gladly assimilate you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

I am Bjorn, of Borg: Your serve will be returned. You will be humiliated. Advancement is futile.

I am McCoy, of Borg: He's assimilated, Jim!

I am Kennedy, of Borg: Ask not what your collective can do for you, but what you can do for your Collective.

I am Roosevelt, of Borg:The only thing we have to assimilate is assimilation itself!

I am Troi, of Borg. How do you feel about being assimilated?

We are NASA, of Borg: We'll have to cut primary assimilation programs to fit all of our sleep subroutines within budget.

We are Worf, of Borg: Assimilation is WITHOUT honor!!

I am Montgomery Burns, of Borg: Simpson, eh? Assimilate him!

I am Avery Brooks, of Borg: Good acting is futile.

The name's Borg, James Borg. I'd like a martini. Assimilated, not stirred.

I am Shatner of Borg. Resistance! ... is! ... Futile! ... You! ... will-be! ... assimilated!

I am Chekov of Borg: you vill be asseemilated. Reesiztance eez futile.

We are the Mighty Morphin' Power Borg. It's Assimilation Time!

I am Picard of Borg. Make it futile.

My other computer is a Borg.

We have engaged the Borg. The wedding will be Friday.

Fox Mulder to Borg: "You can't assimilate the Truth!!"

I am Quark of Borg: Assimilation will cost you 5 bars of gold pressed latinum!

Jim Carrey of Borg: "Allllllllll righty then! Prepare to be assimilated!"

I am Chakotay of Borg. Tattoos are irrelevant. Your spirit guide will be assimilated as well.

Assimilate Mulder and you risk turning one man's resistance into a crusade.

I am John Sheridan of Borg: You will be assimilated STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!!!!!

I am DeLenn of Borg : You will be assimilated between the darkness and the light.

We are the Beatles of Borg: We all live in a great big giant cube, a great big giant cube, a great big
giant cube.

I am Wayne of Borg. You will be assimilated .... oh yes ... you will be assimilated!

I am O.J. of Borg. Oh no! My arm attachment won't fit on!

I am Chandler, of Borg. Could he be more assimilated?!

We are Coffee of Borg. Sleep is irrelevant.

I am Doc Brown of Borg. You will be assimilated. Great Scott!

I am Jack of Borg, Jill is coming up just behind me. She assimilated that other bucket of water.

chrisclu

02-27-2003, 08:37 AM

What or Where is Borg?

grey ghost

02-27-2003, 11:17 AM

Originally posted by chrisclu
What or Where is Borg?

Hi Chris try here for info on the “BORG“ :)

http://www.startrek.com/library/borg/default.asp

Regards

chrisclu

02-27-2003, 02:36 PM

Quote:
"We are the Borg. Existence as you know it is over. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Resistance is futile." They will then acquire the vessel by force and assimilate the occupants by first injecting them with nanoprobes, then implanting cybernetic technology in their bodies. The assimilated individual loses all sense of identity — his body and mind are turned entirely over to the Borg and their purposes.

OH, Microsoft!!
Why didn't you say so:D:D

dp6304

02-27-2003, 02:51 PM

Here's one for you:

The Train Ride

In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno and Bo Derek.
After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel and the
unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.

When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) Bo Derek thought - "That sleazeball Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake,
he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who in turn must have slapped his face."

(2) Janet Reno thought - "That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on Bo Derek and she
smacked him."

(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on Bo Derek and by mistake she slapped
me."

(4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton
again."

;)

dp6304

02-27-2003, 02:58 PM

One more and then I am through:

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"

"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."

:p

hayc59

02-27-2003, 03:39 PM

:D :D :D :D :D

dp6304

02-28-2003, 03:53 PM

One more time:

Eternal Judgment

Ru Paul, Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck by lightning on the same day. All three find themselves in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. They start begging him to give them another chance at life. St. Peter agrees but on one condition: they each have to give up something they truly enjoy.
Ru Paul says, "I really love men, but I will give up screwing around with them."

Bill Gates says, "I really love money, but I will give up all the money I have."

Ebert says." I really love food, but I'll give up pizza."

Soon, all three find themselves back on Earth. They start walking down street feeling very grateful. Suddenly, Ebert spots a pizzeria. He smells the aroma and can't help himself — he runs in there and eats a slice of pizza. POOF! He disappears.

Ru Paul and Bill Gates are astonished and agree that that won't happen to them. So they resume walking down the street when Bill Gates spots a shiny, new quarter. He thinks that if he picks it up, he can found a new company and become fabulously wealthy again. He bends down to pick up the quarter and POOF! Ru Paul disappears

:D

RISC OS

03-04-2003, 04:01 AM

Frodo failed :D

dp6304

03-04-2003, 02:10 PM

Nice one RISC OS
:D :D :D

Good News And Bad News

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were
able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
:eek::eek:

Pilgrim

03-04-2003, 05:25 PM

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!

I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

hayc59

03-04-2003, 06:15 PM

:D :D thanks for the laugh....

kazzi

03-05-2003, 08:33 AM

Wife 1.0 -- technical support

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0, and I can find no documentation on several features. For example, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as RunAnywhere 10.3 and StayOut 2.5 cause freezes, and the new program has also spawned a couple unexpected child processes that have taken up a lot of space and resources. I had thought about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but there is no "revert to previous state" feature. Can you help me?

Dear Sir,

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.

Wife 1.0 is actually an entire OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything. WARNING! DO NOT try to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous, resulting in the loss of valuable system resources. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. There is no backdoor; some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 and found the problems persist, or even tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background while Wife 1.0 is running. Inevitably, a system conflict occurs; possibly leading to a non-recoverable system crash. We recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and adjust a few user-input parameters.

I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). Should a GPF occur, the best course of action will be to push the apologize button then reset button AS SOON AS lock-up occurs. The system will run smooth as long as you provide needed maintenance time. It is possible to free up CPU time; be sure that several of your search and scan routines are stopped.

Because of the unique system each copy runs on, no one manual will cover all enabled features. New users should first consult with those who have been running Wife 1.0 for many years before installing a copy yourself. You might consider joining one of our established local users groups to discuss your specific configuration. Remember that the installation of Wife 1.0 can allow maximum system potential. Killer apps Contentment 2.5 and Reliability 6.12a have been known to max out when run with TLC 2 and Communicator 5.0. There are no plans for upgrades; Wife 1.0 was designed to work for a lifetime.

Sincerely,
The development team.

Wife 1.0: What you should know before making upgrades

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory bug leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as Poker-Night 10.3, Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pub-Night 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before). Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

*A "don't remind me again" button.
*A minimize button.
*Ability to delete the "headache" file.
*Uninstall option that provides the ability to uninstall without loss of system resources.
*An option to run the network driver to run in the shared mode to allow the system's hardware probe feature to be much more useful and effective.

I myself have decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0. Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of Girlfriend 3.0. You must first uninstall Girlfriend 3.0, or conflicts will result from the shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about upgrading to Wife 1.0!

Good luck with your current software version!
-------------------
Anyone can tell me where can I find Girlfriend 1.0 or even beta version?!

Wife 1.0 - bug release notes

***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

**** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ***************
To avoid this bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses, which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

kazzi

03-05-2003, 08:35 AM

Husband 1.0 -- technical support

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, WWF 3.2 and NHL 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate
*******
Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically. Run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 3.2 or Wine 6.1.

Please remember that Beer 3.2 and Wine 6.1 are very bad programs in that, among other things, they will create SnoringLoudly.WAV files.

Under no circumstances should you install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider running additional software to enhance his system performance.

I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 combined with such applications as that old stand-by I'm sure you've used in the past ...Lingerie 6.9 (which is consistently credited with improved system performance).

Tech Support

Husband 1.0 Patch

A new patch has been developed for Husband 1.0, which will upgrade the program to Husband 1.0a. Among the bugs that are repaired are the following:

* Fixes the bug that allows Girlfriend 9.2 to run in the background. Instead it installs Blind Date 3.1b which should upgrade Girlfriend 9.2 to run as a Circle of Friends 6.5 utility.
* Installs a "share his interests" option which should allow the Conversation 8.0 utility to re-initialize and run under Husband 1.0a.
* Allows the "Household Chores" function to be recognized. ‘Cleaning Garage’, ‘Mowing the Lawn’, ‘Cleaning Rain Gutters’, ‘Changing Oil’, ‘Trimming Hedges’ and ‘Washing Vehicles’ options can now be selected under the ‘Tools’ bar. Exercise caution in using too many of these tools at once however. Overuse of these options can bring up an ‘exhaustion’ or ‘pulled muscle’ error. Severe misuse of these options can bring up the ‘Emergency Room Visit’ Blue Error Screen.
* The ‘Porn’ tool is now recognized in Lingerie 6.9. Take care as overuse of this tool can lead to an ‘addiction’ error – moderation is the key!
* Upgrades your virus-protection program to detect the ‘Brother-in-Law’, ‘Mother-in-Law’, ‘Father-in-Law’ and ‘Busybody’ viruses.
* Allows certain utilities to be run concurrently. Programs such as HGTV 3.0 and ESPN 6.5 can now be run at the same time, leading to the creation of fairness.dll files which will enhance system performance.
* ‘Boys Night Out’ warning will no longer appear. Instead a selection called ‘Boys/Girls Night Out’ is now created under the Tool bar.
* Romance 9.9 can now be re-installed. When the program is run for the first time after re-installation it will ask if you wish to install the Husband 1.0a patch. This will upgrade Romance 9.9 to Romance 9.96b which is compatible with Husband 1.0a. Among other things Romance 9.96b now includes a ‘Babysitter’ tab, a ‘Go on a Date’ button, and it will also run with Lingere 6.9 under the ‘Fantasy Lover’ tool found in that program. You will also find that Romance 9.96b has its own flower utilities, so your previous flower programs become redundant. A jewelry utility is not available as it causes a "System Resources Exceeded" warning that can create problems with any and all MSMoney files.

As of this date there is still no way to run Husband 1.0a with Mother-in-Law 1.0 as the Mother-in-Law program causes a protection fault. Daddy 6.2 will still run as a background utility, as will His Parents 2.8. We have found that those two programs communicate quite well with each other with this patch installed. We are still working on the flaws that do not allow the Mother-in-Law utility to communicate with Husband 1.0a effectively.

Remember that Husband 1.0a is a very delicate system, and it must be treated with care.

More patches will be announced as they become available.

Tech Support.

Husband 1.0a Warning – Virus Protection!

Lately we here at Tech Support have been getting some of you calling us in a panic because your Husband 1.0a system has crashed. We have back-tracked the steps you last took with the program and have found a common problem.

Whatever you do, do not, repeat, not try to delete the "Knight in Shining Armor" utility. This is the virus protection program, and will cause you more problems than you think you are going to solve. A lot of you feel that there is no threat from viruses and worms and that any threat is negligable. This is a common misconception among users of the Husband 1.0, 1.0a, and the Boyfriend series of programs. The "Knight in Shining Armor" utility is hard-wired into all of the Male-based series of programs in the Lifeworks, Inc. catalog. It should not, under any circumstances, be removed.

A lot of you feel that running the "I can take care of myself" command in the main menu is enough to protect yourself. Sadly, that is not the case. That command does have it’s uses, but it is not the be-all and end-all in virus protection. Deleting the "KISA" or disabling the utility will give a green light to some of the more insidious viruses out there. This includes the "Ex-boyfriend", "Mother-in-Law" and "Medling Angry Feminist" viruses, as well as the "Leering Male Boss" worm.

The "KISA" utility shares many files already on your system that enables other programs to work well. Deleting the utility will cause a system-wide crash, which will require a re-format and re-load of your entire system! This will result in the loss of all of your other programs and utilities and you will have to start over from scratch.

Having the "KISA" utility can be a great help when you least expect it. The program runs in the background and will only come out and make it’s presence felt when it is needed (such as when viruses are detected). The "KISA" utility also has some very useful tools that can be accessed. The ‘Open Door’ and ‘Carry Bag’ options can come in handy, and we have found that they improve system performance when used to their full advantage. This comes with a warning however: every system is different, and it will not utilize "KISA" in the same way as another system.

You can customize "KISA" to your liking, and even adjust the warning sliders so that the warning messages do not pop up as often. Of course if you put the warning slider all the way down to "None of your business" you run the risk of being infected with viruses without knowing it. That does not mean to say that we are saying you should put your slider all that way up to "Help Me, I’m Defenseless". We think somewhere between "Need to know basis" and "Watch my back" should give you the privacy you want and the protection you need.

We hope that these updates make your use of the Lifeworks line of products an enjoyable and productive experience.

Tech Support.

hayc59

03-05-2003, 08:38 AM

ain't that the truth!!!:p :p

grey ghost

03-05-2003, 09:05 AM

Hi,

keep up the good work, it’s nice to have a few laughs to help relieve the tension in the air. :)

Regards

kazzi

03-05-2003, 10:06 AM

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him - "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by, and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

RISC OS

03-05-2003, 10:16 AM

Q: Why are there no scousers in Star Trek?

A: They don't intend to work in the future either!

dp6304

03-05-2003, 02:36 PM

Good evening:)

Dr. Suess

Read each of the following lines out loud.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an old cat
This is idiot cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now, go back and read the THIRD word in each line, starting at the top.

:p :p

dp6304

03-07-2003, 02:28 PM

Evening everyone:

Gates (CEO of Microsoft), Andy Grove(CEO of Intel) and Jerry Sanders (CEO of AMD) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussions, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Bill is sitting.

Bill says, "Oh, that's my emergency beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I really need to take this call." So Bill lifts his wristwatch to his ear and begins talking into the end of his tie. After completing this call, he notices the others are staring at him.

Bill explains, "Oh, this is my new emergency communication system. I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie. That way, I can a take a call anywhere."

The others nod, and the meeting continues. Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy starts beeping. He also states, "Oh, that is my emergency beeper. Excuse me, gentlemen, this must be an important call." So Andy taps his earlobe and begins talking into thin air.

When he completes his call, he notices the others staring at him and explains, "I also have an emergency communication system. But my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is actually embedded in this fake tooth. Isn't that neat?"

The others nod, and the meeting continues.

Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Jerry emits a thunderous fart. He looks up at the others staring at him and says, "Uhh, somebody get me a piece of paper... I'm receiving a fax."

:D :D :D

hayc59

03-07-2003, 03:23 PM

Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn't know much, bot leads the league in nostril hair.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in the silo.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

He has less going on upstairs than a one story house.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Surfing in Nebraska.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

Dumber than a box of hair.

A few peas short of a casserole.

Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

The lights are on, but nobody's home.

24 cents short of a quarter.

A few bricks shy of a full load.

:eek: :eek:

dp6304

03-07-2003, 03:31 PM

Good one Hayc59;) ;)

The 13 Biggest Lies

13. The check is in the mail.

12. You get this one, I'll pay next time.

11. You look great.

10. Of course I love you.

9. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.

8. ...but we can still be good friends.

7. She means nothing to me.

6. Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."

5. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.

4. I'll call you later.

3. I've never done anything like this before.

2. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.

1. I DO.

:D

hayc59

03-07-2003, 03:36 PM

:D :D ;) :D

dp6304

03-08-2003, 03:29 PM

Evening all:

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital for a few more days and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in heaven again, sees her guardian angel and says, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years!!"

The angel replies, "Sorry. I didn't recognize you."
;) ;) ;)

Have a good night

MegaHertz

03-12-2003, 04:02 PM

Bitter after being snubbed for membership of the "Axis of Evil", Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil" which they said would be at least as evil as that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil...in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils...the original
evils...the evils ne plus ultra!"

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous at being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II, you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three members and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as, within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs.

Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil," while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable."

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up...Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't Quite the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics Anytime Soon".

Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Rather Nasty Thoughts About America" while Scotland, Wales and New Zealand established the "Axis of Countries That Want to be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick." "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

KGIII

03-12-2003, 04:10 PM

LMFAO

Good humor... Absolutely good humor...

Galen

hayc59

03-13-2003, 01:37 PM

It seems each year television gets worse and worse, just look at what's on television tonight...

FOX
8:00 Real Humans in Real Pain
8:30 Feral Dingoes Eating Children on Tape
9:00 Jiggle It Beach
9:30 LA Chicks
10:00 Beverly Hills 90210: The 90,210th Episode

UPN
8:00 The Unwatchables
8:30 Voyage To The Bottom Of The Ratings
9:00 Theoretically Existing Show
9:30 Praying For Syndication
10:00 The Last Thing You'd Ever Want To Sit Through

WB
8:00 Where My Wife At?
8:30 Gittin' Yo Freak On
9:00 Me & My Psychic
9:30 Kids Suck The Darndest Things
10:00 Dawson's Clothes

ANIMAL PLANET
8:00 Incontinent Rhinos
9:00 Dan Taylor: Mongoose Optometrist
10:00 STAY!
10:30 The Best of STAY!

E!
8:00 Andy Gibb: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
9:00 Margot Kidder: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
10:00 Boy George: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills

ESPN2
8:00 Finland's Brutalest Men
8:30 Being Hit By A Trolley Regional Semifinals
9:00 60 Minutes Of Joe Theismann's Leg Breaking
10:00 Co-Ed Spread-Eagled Weight-Training From Maui

SCI-FI
8:00 Space: 1972
9:00 The Bermuda Triangle: Myth Or Fiction?
10:00 Mid-Budget Galaxy

LIFETIME
8:00 How Can I Choose Between My Daughters?
9:00 The Abused Wife Who Didn't Mean To Kill Her Policeman Husband In Self-Defense
10:00 The Boy Whose Mommy Watched Far Too Much Television

TNN
8:00 Well, I'll Be Dipped In Pigshit!
9:00 You Hush Up, Wanda Mae
9:30 Sheeeeeeee-It!
10:00 Hold 'Er Down While I Get The Rifle From The Truck

TELEMUNDO
8:00 Roberto Amorosa En Agua Caliente!
9:00 Whoomp! Donde Esta?
9:30 Goooooooooooooal!
10:00 Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai!
10:30 La Hora De Goya

PUBLIC ACCESS
8:00 Blurry Steve
8:30 Inaudible City Council Meeting
9:00 Do We Have A Caller On The Line? Hello?
9:30 The Best Of Lunch Menus
10:00 My Friend Made This Short Film
10:30 Men With Braids Speak Out

chrisclu

03-15-2003, 06:01 AM

Sad, huh!

I wish we could have that 2nd one in public access.
Our city council is way too audible :D
Chris

David especially will like this one.:D

The Chili Contest

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy s**t, what the h**l is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in
3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean-less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. b***h is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really URINATEes me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. F**k those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that s**t Sally. I need to wipe my a** with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a ***ual intercourseing grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a d**n thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s**t to match my g**d**n shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. F**k it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it . Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

dp6304

03-15-2003, 06:05 AM

Good day,

Question #2

Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were so confident going into the final that two days before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, they overslept and didn't make it back to Alabama until the morning of the exam.

Rather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final. The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points. It was something simple. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. Question #2 said: "Which tire?" (95 Points).
;)

dp6304

03-15-2003, 06:06 AM

One more:

Mommy and Uncle Fred

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."

After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"

"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Sorry wrong number.

:D

hayc59

03-15-2003, 06:25 AM

:D :D :D
Chris that is Hillarious!!! Man-o-Man......

chrisclu

03-15-2003, 06:35 AM

Yeah,
Every time I read it I can't get thorough it without laughing to tears:D:D:D
Chris

dp6304

03-16-2003, 02:46 PM

Good evening,

One Good Reason

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night", said the officer.

;)

kazzi

03-18-2003, 10:14 AM

At the 11th hour..............

hayc59

03-18-2003, 04:23 PM

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!

hayc59

03-18-2003, 04:26 PM

The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

hayc59

03-19-2003, 12:22 PM

A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him."

With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.

"There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. "My apple!" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.

"He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.

"Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets back home. "He can fly!"

The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh? Ha! My foot!"
:D :D

hayc59

03-19-2003, 12:23 PM

Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

kazzi

03-22-2003, 10:13 AM

How To Know Whether or Not You Are Ready to Have Children

Mess Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Grocery Store Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend it from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment:
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how
They can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

kazzi

03-22-2003, 10:19 AM

1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwoood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifes.
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
23. ENTER: Yankee talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

Dmut

03-22-2003, 11:37 AM

From Russia with smile
http://nnm.ru/pict/vodka_con.jpg

hayc59

03-22-2003, 12:31 PM

Dmut nice T-Shirt where do i get one??:D :D

grey ghost

03-22-2003, 03:48 PM

Hi

From Russia with love.:)

Edit by Dmut:
Sorry grey ghost, have to delete the image, that's humor&jokes thread, you know.

dp6304

03-22-2003, 04:01 PM

Here's one for you:D

Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out! Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead!

hayc59

03-23-2003, 01:43 PM

well, well this is amazing...

kazzi

03-23-2003, 11:30 PM

The one we didn't get to see

dp6304

03-24-2003, 03:01 PM

Good evening:

How's my driving????

;)

dp6304

03-26-2003, 02:20 PM

Good evening:

You know you've been on-line too long when...

* You start introducing yourself as Jim at aol.com.
* Your wife drapes a wig over the monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
* You check your mail. It says "no new messages" so you check it again.
* You name your children Eudora, Mozzilla, and Dotcom.
* All of your friends have an @ in their names.
* You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
* You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy/Mommy's got work to do".
* You get a tattoo that says "This body best veiwed with Internet Explorer 5.0."
* You ask the plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of the computer with a toilet.
* You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile. :-)
* As your car chrashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

:)

hayc59

03-26-2003, 02:38 PM

:D :D :D :D :D

MegaHertz

03-27-2003, 02:59 AM

Shortly after President Bush took office, an old man approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton; I've told you already that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow!"

dp6304

03-27-2003, 02:29 PM

Political Bull Sh!t

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.

They should both be changed regularly.and for the same reason.

************************************************** **

Nativity Scene

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in
Washington, DC this Christmas. This isn't for any religious reason,
they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in
the Nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enough
asses to fill the stable.

************************************************** **
God's Letter

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

dp6304

03-27-2003, 02:35 PM

One more:

OUCH!!!!

gbark

03-28-2003, 12:23 PM

DOG A dog, observing his master's daily routine thinks: "Wow! This person provides me with food, water, and a dry place to sleep every night. He spends time with me almost every day! He really loves me deeply.
He must be God!"

CAT A cat, observing his master's daily routine thinks: "Wow! This person provides me with food, water, and a dry place to sleep every night. He spends time with me almost every day! He really loves me deeply.
I must be God!"

Gbark
(Posted as one of our cats sleeps on my shoulder)

dp6304

03-28-2003, 02:06 PM

dp6304

03-28-2003, 02:11 PM

:D

The Interview

Three blondes were all vying for the last available position on the local police force. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be a cop, eh?"

The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a photograph, and said, "To be a detect, you have to be able to DETECT. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "Did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He only has one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of COURSE he only has one eye in this picture! It's a PROFILE of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

The blonde immediately shot back, "Yep! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just said to the other lady? This is a PROFILE of the man's face! Of COURSE you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too! You'd never make a good detective!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turn his attention to the last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but....". He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "Alright. Did YOU notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "Yes, I did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could tell that by looking at this picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "DUH! He has only one eye and one ear, he certainly CAN'T WEAR GLASSES!"

dp6304

03-28-2003, 02:44 PM

One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice -

"Jesus is watching you!"

He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!"

He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot,

"Did you say that?"

The parrot answers "Yes I did."

So the burglar says , "What's your name?"

The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?"

The parrot laughs and says,

"The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "

:)

dp6304

03-28-2003, 02:47 PM

Guy goes to the gates of heaven where he meets St. Peter. St. Peter says to him "God has looked at your book of life and you are welcome in heaven under one condition" The man say "What's that?"

St. Peter says "You must spell the word 'Love'." So he does and he is let in to heaven. As he gets in, St. Peter's beeper goes off. He tells the man to watch the gate until he returns, and reminds him that he must ask whoever comes to spell the word. Next thing you know, his wife show up at the gate and he asks her what she is doing there?

She says that on the way home from the funeral, there was an accident and she died. The husband says alright, but you do have to spell one word first before you come in to heaven.

She asks "What's that?"

He says "Spell Czechoslovakia"

hayc59

03-28-2003, 02:48 PM

very funny!! thanks for the laugh...;)

chrisclu

03-28-2003, 03:06 PM

The Rules of the Game

_For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the Rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.

_Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are deducted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. _Here is a guide to the points system:

_SIMPLE DUTIES
_You make the bed.....+1
_You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.. ....0
_You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
_You leave the toilet seat up.....-5
_You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty......0
_When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
_When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.....-2
_You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings......+5
_In the snow .....+8
_But return with beer.....-5
_And no liners.....-25
_You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0
_You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0
_You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
_You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
_It's her cat.....-40

_AT THE PARTY
_You stay by her side the entire party.....0
_You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College
drinking buddy.....-2
_Named Tiffany.....-4
_Tiffany is a dancer.....-10
_With breast implants.....-18

_HER BIRTHDAY
_You remember her birthday.....0
_You buy a card and flowers.....0
_You take her out to dinner.....0
_You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1
_Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2
_And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
_It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colors of your favorite team...-10

_A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
_Go with a pal.....0
_The pal is happily married.....+1
_The pal is single.....-7
_He drives a Ferrari.....-10
_With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....-15

_A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
_You take her to a movie.....+2
_You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
_You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
_You take her to a movie you like.....-2
_It's called Death Cop III.....-3
_Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.....-9
_You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

_YOUR PHYSIQUE
_You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
_You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.....+10
_You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts.....-30
_You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."...-800

_THE BIG QUESTION
_She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
_You hesitate in responding.....-10
_You reply, "Where?".....-35
_You reply, "No, I think it's your ***"......-100
_Any other response.....-20

_COMMUNICATION
_When she wants to talk about a problem:
_You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....0
_You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5
_You relate to her problem and share a similar experience......+50
_You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying well,
what do you think I should do?"..-100
_You have fallen asleep.....-200

_IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
_You talk.....-100
_You don't talk.....-150
_You spend time with her......-200
_You don't spend time with her.....-500
_You seem to be enjoying yourself.....-1000

_Game Over - YOU LOSE

dp6304

03-28-2003, 03:20 PM

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling." The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?" The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

:D

kazzi

03-28-2003, 08:59 PM

O.M.G!

kazzi

03-28-2003, 09:07 PM

Don't ask................

hayc59

03-29-2003, 04:16 AM

Push Here!! (http://www.bantv.com/vincevance/bomb_iraq.swf)

;) ;)
kazzi that was good!!

hayc59

03-29-2003, 04:38 AM

hahaha..;)

dp6304

03-29-2003, 11:37 AM

One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!' "Why not" said the officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and it’s almost the same." "But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP." "But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop" says the officer.

;)

dp6304

03-29-2003, 11:37 AM

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
:)

dp6304

03-29-2003, 11:38 AM

This one is for David:

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

:D

kazzi

03-29-2003, 08:31 PM

I respect that everyone is entitled to their own opinion - that's democracy. Comedians joke about everything under the sun. This is just such humor - no offense is intended towards those who are against current events.

How to deal with peace activists:

1. Listen quietly and intently while this person explains their views. They will probably voice many points, ranging from political to religious to Humanitarian and violence only leads to more violence.

2. In the middle of their remarks, without any warning, punch them in the nose.

3. As the person gets up off of the ground, very quickly and calmly remind the person that violence only brings about more violence. Tell them if they are really committed to a nonviolent approach to undeserved attacks, they will turn the other cheek and negotiate a solution. Tell them they must lead by example if they really believe what they are saying. Most of them will think for a moment and then agree that you are correct.

4. As soon as they do that, punch them in the nose.

5. Repeat steps 2-6 until they fly into a rage and come swinging at you.

6. Now tell them that they are cured

7. Lesson over.

dp6304

03-30-2003, 02:24 PM

Is Windows a Virus ?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1) They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2) Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3) Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4) Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

5) Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences :

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug.

Bill sux (true story)

API - Time Magazine reports an interesting case of high-tech graffiti. It seems that a couple of Intel engineers working on the design of a recent version of the Pentium microprocessor included a message that describes their feelings about Bill Gates, president of Microsoft, a good corporate pal of Intel's.

When a portion of the Pentium chip is examined under a powerful scanning electron microscope, the phrase "bill sux" is clearly visible, etched into the surface of the chip.

The "flaw" in the chip was only discovered by accident well after the chip was released into the market, too late for Intel to prevent the chip from being used in the manufacture of tens of thousands of PCs.

Intel says that both engineers responsible were former employees of Motorola, makers of the chips that are the heart of the Apple Macintosh.
Both engineers have since been fired by Intel.

http://www.idt.mdh.se/kpt/billsux.jpg

dp6304

03-31-2003, 02:05 PM

Good evening all:

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive
blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to
the mail box.

She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the
house. A little later she came out of her house and again went to
the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out
again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it
closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked
her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer
keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

dp6304

04-04-2003, 03:19 PM

How sweet it is
This guy was walking along the beach one day and ran across a lamp. He picked it up a rubbed it and a genie popped out. The genie told him he would grant the man three wishes.
"First," the guy began, "I'd like a million dollars."
POOF! A million dollars was suddenly showing on his cheque book balance.
"Second," he continued, "I'd like a new Mercedes."
POOF! A Mercedes appeared right in front of him.
"Third," the guy smirked, "I'd like to be irresistible to women."
POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

;)

dp6304

04-05-2003, 05:40 AM

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the
same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was
by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up.
What'd you do with the boat?"

hayc59

04-05-2003, 05:59 AM

:D ;) :D ;)

kazzi

04-06-2003, 07:59 PM

Hey, thought y'all might like to start the week with a laugh.

http://www.madblast.com/funflash/swf/splishsplashbaby.swf

dp6304

04-08-2003, 02:29 PM

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye.
She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to
investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and
knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned
1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
:D

dp6304

04-09-2003, 02:27 PM

Things that make you go Hmmm....

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

----------------------------------------------------------------

A blind man was describing his favourite sport, parachuting.

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:

"I am placed in the door and told when to jump"

"My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go"

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass
when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the
ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".

;)

kazzi

04-13-2003, 09:29 PM

Once upon a time there was a sheepherder tending his sheep at the edge of a country road in rural Wyoming. A brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee screeched to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, Cerrutti shoes, Ray-Ban glasses, Jovial Swiss wristwatch and a BHS tie, jumped out and asked the herder “If I guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?”

The herder looked at the young man, then looked at the sprawling herd of grazing sheep and said “Okay.”
The young man parked the SUV, connected his notebook and wireless modem, entered a NASA site, scanned the ground using satellite imagery and a GPS, opened a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms, then printed a 150 page report on his high-tech mini printer. He turned to the herder and said “You have exactly 1,586 sheep here.”
The herder answered “Say, you are right. Pick out a sheep.” The young man took one of the animals and put it in the back of his vehicle.
As he was preparing to drive away, the herder looked at him and asked “Now, if I guess your profession, will you pay me back in kind?”
The young man answered “Sure.”
The herder said immediately “You are a consultant.”
“Exactly! How did you know?” asked the young man.

“Very simple,” replied the herder. “First you came here without being invited. Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Thirdly, you do not understand anything about my business, and I’d really like to have my dog back.”

hayc59

04-15-2003, 12:01 PM

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

hayc59

04-16-2003, 02:09 PM

eh,eh

kazzi

04-17-2003, 08:25 AM

Well, someone had to put this up.....

http://www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com/

:D :D :D

dp6304

04-18-2003, 04:32 PM

A day in the courtroom:

A man was in court for a double murder and the judge said:
"You are charged with beating your wife to death with a
hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out: "You
bast*#d!"

The judge continued: "You are also charged with beating your
daughter to death with a hammer."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out:
"You God-da@&ed bast*#d!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the
courtroom, and said: "Sir, I can understand your anger and
frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of
these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with
contempt! Now is that a problem?"

The man at the back of the court stood up and responded:
"For fifteen years I lived next door to that bast*#d, and
every time I asked to borrow a hammer....
he said he never had one!"

:p

dp6304

04-18-2003, 04:38 PM

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by
a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give
anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a
fourth of your *** life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be
meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good
omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he
mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this
hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth
another fourth of your *** life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the
final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he
says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you
be willing to give up the rest of your *** life to win this
match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks
alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you
because you don't know who I am. I'm the Devil, and from now on
you will have no *** life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father
O'Malley."

:)

dp6304

04-20-2003, 08:06 AM

Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly
swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on
Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.

As a group they decided that one of the party should let go.
If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone
would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.

Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she
would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.

The blondes applauded.
:D :D :D

kazzi

04-20-2003, 07:49 PM

Hello,

Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary-eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is? Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help. We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your problem. We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never "cured", you most certainly can recover. We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict.

Do you:

1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?
3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you'll receive a reply one day from a company you'll never do business with anyway?
6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?
10) All of the above?

If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at: 1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORSWEETJESUSSAKES.

We're here, we're free, and we're confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.

Call us today. If you can power off to free up your phone line, that is.

dp6304

04-22-2003, 02:18 PM

Is Microsoft really so helpful?

hayc59

04-22-2003, 02:48 PM

:D ;) :D :D

kazzi

04-27-2003, 08:43 PM

Dear Abby: Should I Be Honest?

I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Gulf War deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for molesting most of his patients while they were under anesthesia.

The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket, Benny "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.

To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.

But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. In your opinion, Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?

Paranoid2000

04-28-2003, 03:18 PM

Get an unbiased answer to that question from this man here (www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com/images/microsoft.jpg).

hayc59

04-30-2003, 04:57 PM

:D :D :D

hayc59

05-01-2003, 12:38 PM

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
- That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
- That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
- That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
- That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
- That's Spam

hayc59

05-03-2003, 07:14 AM

A man in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He keeps throwing it into the air, where the wind catches it for
a few seconds before it comes crashing back down.
Watching him from the kitchen window, his wife mutters how men
have to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells, "You need more tail."
He shouts back, "Make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite!"

chrisclu

05-03-2003, 03:29 PM

:D:D:D

dp6304

05-03-2003, 03:35 PM

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the
playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told
if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."

The student looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you
weren't warned."

;)

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his
neighbour peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to,
he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up,
"and I've just buried him."

The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's
because he's inside your stupid cat."

:D :p :D

kazzi

05-04-2003, 09:56 PM

Hey,

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk? :D

hayc59

05-05-2003, 04:43 AM

Originally posted by dp6304
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the
playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told
if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."

The student looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you
weren't warned."

;)

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his
neighbour peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to,
he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up,
"and I've just buried him."

The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's
because he's inside your stupid cat."

:D :p :D

he,he very good i needed that!!:D :D

chrisclu

05-06-2003, 11:32 AM

Service ??

At one time in my life, I thought I understood the meaning of the word "service." The act of doing things for other people.

Then I heard the terms:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Civil Service
Service Stations
Customer Service
City/County Public Service

And I became confused about the word "service." This
is not what I thought "service" meant.

Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them
mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows.

WHAM!! It all came into perspective! Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

dp6304

05-06-2003, 02:05 PM

Chris, Excellent!!!!
:D :D :D :D :D

dp6304

05-06-2003, 02:52 PM

Good evening:

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets
up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make
a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No."

The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog
noise." So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make
a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and I'm telling you no."

The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we
can go to Disney world!"

:D :eek: :D

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire
become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that
the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a
truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl
in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
:D ;) :D

kazzi

05-07-2003, 08:20 AM

One bright spring morning, a teacher notices that a male student at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.

She goes up to him to find out what's up. He's quite embarrased, whispers he has just been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher sends him to the principal's office to phone his mom and find out what he should do about it.

He does this and returns to the class but after he sits down there's a general commotion at the back of the room.

Back down the teacher goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his wedding tackle hanging out. "I thought I asked you to call your mom" she says. "I did" he replied "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and take me home" :D

hayc59

05-07-2003, 11:29 AM

Kazzi!!:D :D :D

chrisclu

05-07-2003, 02:06 PM

The Lucky Frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit.9 Iron"

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,"What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit.$3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room or my name isn't William Jefferson Clinton!!

MegaHertz

05-09-2003, 05:46 AM

GEORGE W. BUSH

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

AL GORE

I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

COLIN POWELL

Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq Ambassador)

The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.

SADDAM HUSSEIN

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it

RALPH NADER

The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN

To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH

I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART

No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR. SEUSS

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY

To die. In the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON

Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX

It was an historical inevitability.

VOLTAIRE

I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

RONALD REAGAN

What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

SIGMUND FREUD

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES

I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN

Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

COLONEL SANDERS

I missed one?

hayc59

05-09-2003, 06:38 AM

Mega very funny thank you...:D :D :D

Snaky

05-09-2003, 01:48 PM

Hi all, I was sitting down having my breakfast one morning when my wife walked in and said to me "I wish I had larger *******" I turned to her and replied " Why don't you rub toilet paper between them".She looked at me puzzled and said "What will that do"and I said "I don't really know but it seemed to have worked with your butt". Snaky :D

chrisclu

05-09-2003, 04:53 PM

Cute Snaky,
But I think I'll leave that one here in the forum.;) Safer that way.
Chris

chrisclu

05-09-2003, 04:54 PM

For those of you who watch what you eat...

Here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

daonlyfreez

05-09-2003, 11:39 PM

One day in school, Ms. Smith, the teacher, is asking her students to solve a riddle: "What is brown and eats grass?". Little Sandra answers: "A cow, Ms. Smith!". "Could be, Sandra, but it could be a horse too, couldn't it?" After a few of these riddles the teacher askes the children to come up with ones of their own. Little Tim immediately sticks up his finger. Ms. Smith, knowing that Little Tim likes to joke around, warns him: "Now, nothing dirty, Tim!". "Ofcourse not, Ms. Smith. What is hard when you insert it and comes out soft and sticky?". Ms. Smith smacks him one. Little Tim: "Could be, Ms. Smith, but it could be a chewing gum too, couldn't it?!"

:D :D :D

Greetings,

daonlyfreez

http://daonlyfreez.mirrorz.com

chrisclu

05-10-2003, 05:24 PM

It was 40 years ago and she didn't smack me one, she beat the daylights out of me.:D:D

dp6304

05-13-2003, 02:10 PM

Good evening:

"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting with your best friend
is a terrible thing to do!"

"He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him."

The mother stated emphatically, "When he threw a rock at you, you
should have come to me."

The boy quickly replied, "What good would that have done? My aim is
much better than yours."
;)

Jimmy and Johnny, panting and pulling on their tandem bicycle, finally
reached the top of a long steep hill.

"Whew!" gasped Jimmy, "What a climb!"

"Sure was!" agreed Johnny. "If I hadn't kept the brake on, we'd have
gone down backward."
:rolleyes:

There is a fly who has been on the go for quite some time and is getting
really tired and hungry. He's passing over a lovely pasture and spies
a rather fresh cow patty and zeros in on it for a landing. He gorges
himself. After a bit of a rest he tries to take off, but can't get off
the ground for all he has consumed. He really needs to be going, and
sees a shovel handle sticking out of the pile. Thinking that if he can
just get up off the ground, he might have the "lift" to be on his way,
he climbs slowly to the top of the handle and prepares for take off.
Upon take off, he plummets to the ground landing rather painfully back
in the pile.

And the moral of the story is: "Don't fly off the handle when you are
full of crap".

:D

hayc59

05-13-2003, 02:23 PM

oh good one....thanks:D :D :D :D :D

chrisclu

05-13-2003, 05:45 PM

The world's smartest dog!!!

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company.

One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dachshund thinks "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

Just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says, "Where's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

IT ISN'T THE KNOWLEDGE.....IT'S WHAT YOU DO WITH IT! :)